April's CR Diary

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March 24, 2005

Chloe, The World's Oldest Living Mouse

It's not easy being 500 in mouse years.

Well, actually, it is. I have a good life. It's hard to complain when everyone you come into contact with is dedicated to your health and well-being.

Also, it is very satisfying to outlive the family cat.

My name is Chloe. You've probably heard of me because I am the winner of the Methuselah Foundation's Longevity Prize. Yes, that means I'm the world's oldest mouse. And I look pretty good, if I do say so myself.

People often ask me if I think that wearing a pink bow in my fur is a little young-ish for a mouse of my advanced years. Note that the people who ask this are usually women who are a bit jealous of my fantastic good looks. I say, if you've got it, flaunt it! We'll see how you look at 500!!!

My mom is a writer, fundraiser and organizer. My dad used to make supplements for a living, but now he spends most of his time writing articles and books with this nice guy named Aubrey de Grey who lets me climb up his beard when he comes over. Very warm fellow, doesn't do CR. I'm a hardcore CR practitioner, and have been as long as I can remember. My mom and dad are too, so they're not quite as warm to cuddle with as the non-CR'd masses, but they're still pretty nice. Of course they're not really my parents -- I'm a mouse, hello! But they're both terrified of human children, so they decided that raising a prize-winning mouse would be a good outlet for any bizarre parental instincts they might have.

Like I said, I'm a hardcore CR'd mouse. How do you think I got to be 500? My littermates are all long dead. They went to MIT to work in a cognitive science lab where they drink chocolate milk all day. Ick!

I eat one lettuce leaf a day, lightly tossed in a salad dressing that my dad made. It's the perfect mouse nutritional formula, with everything I need and nothing I don't need. It's also quite delicous, as the base is fine French olive oil. It has just a touch of cardamom for seasoning. I eat it every day, and have for the last 499 mouse years.

Since I'm so old, people are always coming to me for advice. I give advice on nutrition, longevity, and love. I like to cuddle because I'm always chilly, so if you drop by to visit me and cuddle, I'll answer your questions. Or if you send your questions to my mom, she'll cuddle me and write you back my answers.

First piece of advice: ladies, cut it out with the high carb diets. High carb diets make you attracted to the wrong kind of guy. Let me tell you a story:

Once when I was a rather young mouse, my dad was messing with my salad dressing and upped the carbs over 40%. I was living with this mouse back then: he was such a rat! Laid around all the time drinking chocolate milk, wouldn't help me clean up the cage, you know the type. As soon as my dad dropped my carbs down to below 40%, I said, "Get this loser out of my cage!" Mom took him away immediately. It's nice to be in charge.

Mom has often asked me if I'd rather have a CR'd mate. I know she's very happy with Dad, who's about as CR'd as they get, but fact is, I've never liked skinny guys. Besides, there's something liberating about knowing your boyfriend is going to die long before you do. So, you get tired of this or that bad habit. Don't worry -- mice don't live very long. He'll die and you'll get another! It's like dating back in the 80's! All casual, no commitment. So you share a cage for awhile, no big deal.

On the topic of nutrition, I've found that a 30:30:40 Protein:Fat:Carb ration works well for me. My dad's an old Zonie, and he makes my salad dressing up every morning while he makes his breakfast salad. Then we eat together while mom drinks her coffee and eats eggwhites. Then a few hours later, we feed whatever guy I'm shacking up with at the time. Those non-CR'd mice have so little energy! If you didn't wake them, they'd sleep till noon!

I've met a lot of interesting people in my time. Aubrey de Grey is probably my favorite, aside from mom and dad, because his beard is so warm. I also really like this girl named Emma who knitted me a tiny pink sweater. Every once in awhile, some of mom and dad's friends come to play with me. There's this guy from way north in Canada who pets me and has a very strong Canadian accent. Then there's the one my mom calls the Brother from Denmark. Sometimes at night when not a creature is stirring, except for the mouse, I chat with him over skype, cause he's always awake. It takes me awhile to type, as I have to run all over the keyboard, but he's very patient.

As you might imagine, the party at which I was awarded the Longevity Prize was a big event in my life. My mom bought me a brand new pink bow for my hair, and Emma made me a really fancy sequined sweater. My mom and dad won a giant bottle of champagne, which they'll never drink because they only drink red wine for resveratrol. This really nice guy gave me a tiny bite of his lemon pound cake, which I'd never had before. I don't think my mom saw... she would have been mad, as I'm really only supposed to eat lettuce with special dressing. But I figure, at 500, a little bite won't kill me!

If you have questions for me about life, love, longevity or macronutrient rations, write me here and my mom will bring you back my answers.

Stay young, and never let them tell you not to wear pink.

Posted by april at March 24, 2005 5:51 PM

Comments

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