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May 24, 2005
Dealing With Feeling Like A Failure
Now that I've outed myself as a Good Kid, I feel like it's safe to talk about how horrible I feel whenever I don't live up to my fairly high standards. I think that CR tends to attract very serious people who have a touch of perfectionist in us, and the struggle to stick with our plan, whether it's Calories, exercise, or whatever, is a particularly charged emotional issue. People are always posting to the list asking for advice about how to stay on track, get back on track, or make the track a little more pleasant. So clearly, I'm not the only one who struggles.
Yesterday I was having a great day. Got up at twenty till five, did all my usual morning activities, went to the gym, went to work. Had very productive day, including calling 100 nurses. I am not exaggerating... I called precisely 100 nurses Will probably call a few more than that today.
Went out to lunch with my friend whose graduation dinner I missed on Friday night. I took her out to a nice place in my little town called the Fayette Street Grill where they have excellent salads. I ate a house salad that included about an ounce of blue cheese, tomatoes, cucumber, dried cherries, spring mix greens, and a raspberry merlot vinegarette that I had on the side. I ordered grilled shrimp on top and dipped the shrimp in the vinegarette before eating, but put plain vinegar on the rest of the salad. It was quite delicious and seemed like a good meal out... low calorie, high protein shrimp, lots of veggies, just a little cheese.
Lunch was low calcium though, so for my late afternoon snack I ate a cup of my cottage cheese with 10 grams of hazelnuts. Then on my way home from work I stopped at the produce store and got some beautiful veggies... a giant head of flowering green kale, two pints of grape tomatoes, several bunches of broccoli, portabello mushroom caps, and brussels sprouts. Also picked up some Wild Berry Zinger herbal tea, as I have been drinking a lot of berry teas lately. Went home and made a fantastic vegetable soup with broccoli, brussels sprouts and portabello mushrooms in veggie broth, to which I added my requisite two tablespoons of brewers yeast and a teaspoon of flax oil. Had a glass and a half of wine.
I was feeling great... here's how the day was looking nutritionally:
Food List : 5-23-05.FLS
DATE : 05/23/05
Num. Foods : 16
Food #1 : Egg, white, raw, fresh 1 cup
Food #2 : Oil 2 teaspoons flax, one olive oil dressing
Food #3 : Cheese, blue about an ounce
Food #4 : Cherries, sour, red, canned, light syrup pack, solids and liquids
these were dried and sprinkled on top but this is the closest thing DWIDP has
Food #5 : Lettuce, butterhead (includes boston and bibb types), raw
Food #6 : Tomatoes, red, ripe, raw, November thru May average on salad + 50 g grape
Food #7 : Crustaceans, shrimp, mixed species, raw guessed at amount on salad
Food #8 : Cucumber, with peel, raw on salad
Food #9 : lowfat cottage cheese 1 cup
Food #10 : Broccoli, frozen, spears, cooked, boiled, drained, without salt fresh, close enough
Food #11 : Brewer's Yeast 2 tablespoons
Food #12 : Brussels sprouts, raw 100 g
Food #13 : Mushrooms, raw 50 g
Food #14 : Soup, chicken broth cubes, dehydrated, dry actually veggie broth -- Dwidp
Food #15 : Alcoholic beverage, wine, table, red 1.5 glass
Food #16 : Coffee, brewed, prepared with distilled water a lot
NUTRIENT TOTALS:
Abs. Values %RDA/SA
Calories 1009.88__cal 50%
Protein 98.55__gm 179% RDA
Total Fat 23.18__gm 36%
Sat. Fat 9.11__gm 46%
Mono. Fat 5.89__gm 20%
Poly. Fat 5.93__gm 89%
Carbohydrate 80.75__gm 27%
Fiber 10.25__gm 34%
Cholesterol 243.75__mg 81%
Vit. A 4167.17__IU 83% RDA
Vit. B6 3.33__mg 208% RDA
Vit. B12 3.28__mcg 164% RDA
Vit. C 134.62__mg 224% RDA
Vit. E 4.72__mg 59% RDA
Thiamine 1.32__mg 120% RDA
Folacin 229.88__mcg 128% RDA
Riboflavin 3.26__mg 251% RDA
Niacin 15.84__mg 106% RDA
Panto. Acid 15.34__mg 307% SA
Calcium 1006.65__mg 84% RDA
Copper 1.84__mg 92% SA
Iron 9.07__mg 60% RDA
Magnesium 213.99__mg 76% RDA
Manganese 2.90__mg 97% SA
Phosphorus 2569.39__mg 214% RDA
Potassium 2905.90__mg 145% RDA
Selenium 179.44__mcg 326% RDA
Sodium 2955.66__mg 123% SA
Zinc 5.08__mg 42% RDA
Tyrosine 7.63__gm 795% RDA
Lysine 15.04__gm 2089% RDA
Phenylalanine 8.63__gm 899% RDA
Leucine 15.45__gm 1610% RDA
Valine 10.68__gm 1272% RDA
Methionine 4.08__gm 1359% RDA
Cystine 1.95__gm 649% RDA
Tryptophan 2.46__gm 1369% RDA
Threonine 8.69__gm 1811% RDA
Isoleucine 9.79__gm 1359% RDA
Keep in mind: the cholesterol is probably showing up as higher than it actually is due to a bug in DWIDP that we can't figure out. The calcium is over the RDA cause the RDA changed... or something... MR told me I was getting plenty of calcium but I can't remember why. I have this habit of remembering what he tells me to do but not why, just to save space in my brain for things I actually have to figure out for myself, like how to organize all the registered nurses in Philadelphia.
So it was a wicked awesome day, nutritionally, if I may channel a skate rat named Kurt I went to seventh grade with. He was always referring to things as "wicked awesome."
Then, in my infinite stupidity (and feeling a little hungry) I decided to eat one of my low carb snack bar things that I had purchased to have as purse food during the last week of negotiations. Purse food, for you men out there, is food that's small enough to put in a cute little purse but filling enough to keep you from eating gak or taking a bite out of a colleague.
That was stupid.
Wow, they were really yummy. Tasted exactly like a Butterfinger candy bar, which is the only chocolate candy that I really really love. It was quite the sensory experience. And only added 120 calories. So I was up around 1129. That's really not bad, if you consider that I'm cutting down on those wild and crazy go out days, so averaging in the 1100-1200 range seems smart. Now it wasn't the best use of Calories -- MR would have had a little hazelnut oil instead -- but it wasn't exactly going to kill me, at least not much.
But then, in the heat of the Butterfinger remembrance moment, I ate another.
Bringing my total Calories to 1250. And really, the things are just fortified candy, much like my calcium chewy but with lots more Calories.
I felt terrible. Well, I felt really good while I was eating it... wow, I used to love Butterfinger candybars! But when I finished eating it and added up my total Calories for the day, I felt so bad!!!
And then the "I am a failure" tape starts to play in my head.
Now I recognize how absurd this is. I work a very demanding job, volunteer for the Mprize, write a blog about CR, entertain my mother and my cats, manage to be a pretty darned good friend to a whole host of people all over the country and the world, drive a fuel efficient car, cook excellent CR food, am basically a good person. I even did laundry! I used environmentally friendly products to clean my shower!
But I ate two low carb peanut butter crunch bars and immediately decided that I am the lowest of the low, a major failure, bereft of moral value.
Now to the brothers, this may seem a bit odd. I think that the brothers are less familliar with the "I am a failure" tape than the sisters, cause boys are just trained differently. But I'm sure the sisters are saying, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
It's so easy, when you're a Good Kid almost all the time, to get really freaked out when you're even a shade off of perfect. Food shouldn't be a moral issue... it's not "bad" to eat gak, it's unwise, if you want to live a long and healthy life. It has bad short term effects and bad long term effects.
I know, intellectually, that eating 1250 yesterday is still putting me in the range of nice, happy, moderate CR and is probably a much better day than many of most of the wild and crazy going out days I've had since I started CR.
But when I'm having such a good day, and then it seems like the Spirit of Gak invades my house and jumps into my mouth, it's rather disheartening.
The moral of the story: don't beat yourself up. I figure that by blogging about it and telling you bloggiefriends about how I screw up and how I feel when I do, it will help you to forgive yourself next time and get right back on track, skipping all that useless energy wasted on guilt.
Also, don't leave temptation lying around. I brought the rest of the low carb Butterfinger bars into work today to give to my officemates, who will find them to be an improvement over their normal fare. Why take chances? Life, however radically extended, is too short.
Posted by april at May 24, 2005 8:01 AM
Comments
April,
I think just recognizing this tendency is very healthy. I'm really goal oriented and feel like all my goals will be unreachable if I stray from a plan I've made for myself. My husband laughs at all the lists he finds around the house with titles like "Three things I can do today to help me achieve X goal." I write out my strenth training workouts before I do them. Sometimes I pick out the exact music I will use the day before a cardio session. I plan our meals and am completely thrown when I have to abandon my CR lunch in the work fridge for an impromptu lunch with the boss at some neighborhood restaurant. So, I too, feel a little out of control when I inhale an entire unplanned box of strawberries while cooking dinner or half a head of cabbage. Even though I know intellectually it's okay.
But, I've read a lot about various diets (I bet you have too) and the people who end up thriving are the ones who allow a little leeway and flexibility from time to time. If you eat on plan 90% of the time, you will succeed with your goals and maybe avoid some nutritional deficiency that even DWIDP isn't aware exists. If you want to read some horror stories about dietary rigidity, look at some of the long-time raw foodists stories on Beyondveg.com
When I've been on plan too long, I get REALLY hungry. I think I now know why. My resting energy expenditure tested out at 1555. If I add just a bit for sitting at my desk all day and for my workouts, I need 1800 to 2000 to maintain my current weight of 103. That means a couple of days below 1500 is okay, but I really do need a healthy meal out from time to time. I'm not ready to lose more weight!
I like that you discussed the perfection issue and are thinking of how to deal with it long-term. I'm still trying to figure out the most comfortable CR for me which I why I love reading your blog.
By the way, pickles are okay? (I worried that high consumption might lead to stomach cancer. Can't remember where I got this idea.) I LOVE Japanese pickles. If you would like to share a recipe, I'm ready to try it!
Have a great day.
Laura
Posted by: Laura at May 24, 2005 9:48 AM
I know what you're going through with those "nutrition" bars. If you really need a portable, eat-anywhere food, they are certainly not the worst thing you could eat. But if you leave them in the house, they can easily draw you toward the "Dark Side."
I have noticed, though, that they're starting to come out with some that are almost CR friendly. Have you seen those Lara Bars at Trader Joe's? Just fruit and raw nuts (all organic). There's also the ReBar, which is just organic fruits and vegetables.
Sounds good, but they all have too much sugar and not enough protein. You could eat a high protein, low sugar bar to compensate, but they all seem to have lousy oils and vitamins in forms you don't want. They also tend to be dripping with sugar alcohols, which can cause gastric distress in some.
I basically try not to eat my food in bar form unless I'm on travel or need something easy to digest before or during a tennis match. Still, it would be nice to have better choices. If anyone can find a way to inject some whey protein into one of those raw, organic food bars, you'd have my gratitude :)
Posted by: Dan at May 24, 2005 11:31 AM
Oh my dear, the only way to get over that crippling, paralyzing, self-torturing fear of failure is to just plunge right in and fail. In the beginning, set yourself a goal to fail at least once a day, starting off with small private failures. First thing every morning, do one thing badly that no one else will ever know about: sing off-key in the shower, put on mismatched socks, mess up the crossword in ink, misplace your keys. Then stand back and look at your failure, and take a deep breath: yes, you failed! and you survived! Now, get on with your day.
Once you're comfortable with the small private failures, you can graduate to slightly bigger more public failures: every day, make an effort to sing off-key at a karaoke bar, or spill wine in a crowded restaurant, or mispronounce the name of someone famous. Strike out at the company softball game. Eat a donut. Bounce a check. Drop a 50 pound barbell on your toe in front of the whole gym.
Build up to bigger and bigger failures until eventually you're not the least bit afraid to fail at anything. Once you've learned to be absolutely certain that you can survive and rebound from any failure, no matter how painful or humiliating or irrevocable, whether it's a failed diet, a failed marriage, a failed career, or a botched attempt to learn ballroom dancing, you'll feel like a 20 ton truck has been lifted off your shoulders. It's a marvelous and freeing way to live.
Been there done that,
-Liz
Posted by: Liz at May 24, 2005 7:06 PM