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May 19, 2005
You're A Good Little Girl, Aren't You?
That's what a nurse said to me today at contract negotiations as I ate my little snack pack of lowfat cottage cheese.
I was unsure of how to respond to the question. It reminded me a bit of when I was in college and people would ask me where I went to school. When I said Yale, they would invariably say, "You must be pretty smart."
That's a tough one to answer. I mean, it seems impolite to say, "Yes, as a matter of fact I am pretty smart. Thank you for noticing."
But what am I supposed to say? "No, I'm actually a complete idiot and the admissions committee made a huge mistake."
You can't win.
So when this particular nurse asked me if I am, in fact, a good little girl, I was similarly puzzled.
I could say, "Yes, as a matter of fact I am a very good little girl. In fact, like Little Miss Muffit, I am sitting here here enjoying my curds and whey."
Or I could say, "I'm actually a very bad little girl, I just happen to enjoy eating lowfat cottage cheese."
Or I could engage in a discourse about the moral value of food.
Or I could point out that at thirty, I am hardly a little girl, though I am finally reaching the age when I consider that a compliment, not an insult.
I finally responded, "I didn't eat particularly well yesterday, so I'm trying really hard today."
That seemed satisfactory. I think people like to think that you screw up sometimes. People have this weird visceral negative reaction to the appearance of perfection.
I did, in fact, screw up quite a bit yesterday. It was a very long meeting day on which I left my house at 6 am for work and got home shortly before 10 pm. I ran out in the morning so long before my normal breakfast hour that I skipped my usual eggwhites and flax oil. I had a great lunch at Ruby Tuesday's, which has a new salad bar that I highly recommend. It was amazing: all kinds of veggies, hot peppers, kalamata olives, tabouleh, lots of fruits, beans, even edamame! If MR had been there with his portable scale we could have constructed a perfect CR friendly measured out meal. Of course, the waitstaff might have had us arrested for weighing all our food at the salad bar, but that would have made a kinda cool headline in my local paper: "We Shall Not Be Moved: Skinny Redheads Refuse to Relinquish Food Scale."
Then the afternoon took a turn for the problematic when I thought I would have just one little bite of the sour cream and onion potato chips. A bite turned into a handfull. And a handfull turned into two. I recognize that the world will not come to an end over this, but it still seems like such a stupid waste of calories. One of my co-workers came over to me and said, "I can't believe you're eating potato chips," which made me feel even worse.
The nurse bargaining committee went out to dinner as a group at an Italian restaurant, and VLC and I negotiated with the waiter to get the shrimp scampi over steamed broccoli rather than over pasta. That was delicious. I had my house salad with just plain vinegar, as there was plenty of olive oil in the scampi to fatten out the day. Not that the potato chips left me low on fat, carbs and salt. Ugh.
So yesterday was one of those days when I'm not sure what I ate because it was all restaurant food, and while it might look like a very good day for a normal person (shrimp over brocoli? giant salad?) it's not good enough for someone who is trying to push her calorie averages ever lower without getting so hungry that she eats the neighbors' pets.
So today I am solidly back on track. Eggwhites and flax oil for breakfast, cooler bag packed with cottage cheese and yogurt and hazelnuts for during the day. At lunch mid-negotiations we ordered out from a pizza place, and the nurses urged me to try some of the pizza, but I politely said no. I ordered a house salad that turned out to be fabulous: spring mix greens, arugula, red and yellow bell peppers, carrots, celery, and red onion. I ate it with just vinegar and a cup of cottage cheese along with 10 g hazelnuts for fat. I didn't feel deprived as I watched everyone chow down on pizza... remember how crappy I felt yesterday after eating sour cream and onion gak was enough to convince me that the straight and narrow path is the one for me.
The social implications of unusual food choices are numerous. Liz wrote an absolutely rockin blog entry about it the other day
http://seespotcron.blogspot.com/2005/05/she-looks-like-scrawny-crow.html. People act really weird around thin people. It's just darned freakish to be in control of your health these days.
I've been pleased that for the most part my nurses have been supportive of my life and health changes. They often ask me how I lost so much weight, and I tell them about CR and refer them to the CR Society website.
The issue of weight is so emotionally charged for women. I know that I breathe a big sigh of relief whenever I am in the company of other CR girls... we can genuinely discuss the possiblity that our partners might think we're too skinny without anyone throwing a donut at us. I'm so lucky that my genius boy likes me just the way I am... and I suspect he'll like me just as much even if I get skinnier. He'd be a damned hypocrite not to, as he has about the lowest BMI out there, but taste is, as we all know, a matter of taste.
Food is such a moral issue in our society... and like beauty, it's one you just can't win on. If you're fat, you're lazy and lack self-discipline. If you're thin, you're anorexic and self-centered.
I think there comes a point where we just have to tell everyone else to deal with their issues elsewhere, and leave us to be happy with our kale salads and megamuffins. VLC and I have a certain harmony when we're together where we can attack the vegetable tray with genuine enthusiasm keep each other company while everyone else eats their way to an early death.
We weren't always like this... I am definitely a woman who has to work hard at eating right and staying thin and healthy. Back before CR, on meeting days like yesterday when we would do four or five meetings in a day from early in the morning till late in the evening, my eating would be just out of control. The stress and exhaustion combined with being surrounded by free, bad food was overwhelming. For example, here's a day that really happened back in September of 2004 when I was working on a giant contract campaign at a Philly hospital.
5 am: pick up the bagels and donuts for morning meeting. Eat: 1 toasted bagel with veggie cream cheese, one large coffee with cream and sugar.
8 am: cleaning up after meeting: eat another bagel with cream cheese
1 pm: pizza at the 1 pm meeting. at least two slices, maybe three.
6 pm: dinner between 4 pm and 8 pm meetings: probably at a diner near the hospital: pasta with marinara sauce, garlic bread, salad with fat free dressing.
After meetings (10 pm ish): a couple of beers or glasses of wine with co-workers to unwind post meeting.
Next day: bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cream and sugar for breakfast.
Is it any wonder that I eventually weighed 137?
Yikes!
I was all angstful about yesterday's slips, but when I look back on how I used to be, I feel rather cheered up about my progress.
A couple of reader questions:
Laura:
Eggwhites are better than eggbeaters because eggbeaters have synthetic beta carotene in them for color and that's bad for you. I think that kefir has more probiotic goodies than yogurt, but I'm still not drinking it. It's gross, and its name sounds like my cat.
Chris:
My diet, which proportionally high in protein to total calories, is not particularly high in protein when compared with any normal non-CR'd non-vegetarian. I just talk a lot about protein because it makes me a lot less hungry, more energetic, and mentally focused. Also because one of the first changes I made when I started reading your brother's writing was to up my protein, so eating protein reminds me of him. I'll see what Genius Boy says about your question.
[Later -- I asked Genius Boy, and he says I eat way more protein than that. He really did the calculations to determine that I eat enough protein for a 258 pound man. I don't think I even know a 258 pound man! But anyway, I'm not convinced of this, so I'm going to DWIDP some sample days of AL meat eaters and see what I come up with. I know, it's probably stupid to challenge the Orange One to a contest of any kind where nutrition is concerned, but it's fun for us to disagree from time to time. It cuts down on the danger that we will turn into one giant Orange One, who would still not weigh anywhere close to 258 pounds. :)]
Mary:
I asked MR to promise me he would never ski. No dangerous sports for us. I drive the NJ turnpike so much that I figure I've already used up my nine lives.
Liz:
Your blog absolutely rocks my world.
Fruitgirl:
So glad you're back! I miss you!!!
Dani:
Same to you! You've been with me from the beginning!
Jacob:
Yea Nurses!!! More on that soon.
Dan:
You haven't commented in awhile... am I boring you? ;)
Enough for now.
I'm off to be a good little girl elsewhere.
Or a bad girl who gets a whole lot of calcium.
Posted by april at May 19, 2005 6:21 PM
Comments
Try this one next time: "I'm very good, actually, but I haven't been a little girl for about 20 years!" JD ;-)
Posted by: Judith at May 19, 2005 4:51 PM
April,
Kefir has 5% alcohol, the same as beer! Micro-organisms (I hardly remember "kefir" is a symbiotic mix of about 12 diferent species of bacteria/fungi) in kefir that turns milk into "kefir drink" converts lactose into CO2 and alcohol, so is not the same as yogurth where lactose is converted into lactic acid.
You choose: kefir or yogurth`"Pine Noir"
Posted by: Willie at May 20, 2005 12:36 AM
So happy to hear that Ruby Tuesday's salad bar has my favorite--next to ice--tabouleh......Let's go.
Posted by: Marti at May 20, 2005 6:13 AM
April,
thanks for the answers! I wonder if you ever got my references email? I use a mac at home and the email program is not the best.
Free food is one of my problem areas too. If I know I am going to face it and have a plan, I do much better. This is what I call the "challenges" approach. So, at the beginning of the week, you identify what challenges will exist during the week to your CR program and figure out how you will deal with them. I ususually (not always) am able to be disciplined and avoid the unexpected free food, but I usually feel much more deprived in that circumstance. I have a hard time avoiding it, if I consider it healthy. Yes, I a meeting I recently hosted, there was tons of fruit left over. I ate at least 2 cups in addition to my normal meals and literally put a whole bunch of grapes in my purse for later -- it's a big purse! Keep up the great writing, Miss Muffet!
Posted by: Laura at May 20, 2005 7:11 AM
can't a girl have a f'n chip if she wants one once in a blue moon without someone commenting on it. we sure don't go about telling people what crap they're eating.
Posted by: fruitgirl at May 20, 2005 8:52 PM