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October 17, 2005
Survivor's Guilt
You know those stories about war veterans or survivors of natural disasters who feel tremendous guilt about the fact that they made it when their friends and comrades were killed? I used to feel that way about anorexia. I had several friends whose lives were either ruined or severely impaired by anorexia, including Marya, the author of Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia, and I always wondered why the evil monster got them but not me. Almost all women my age suffered with food and body image issues at some point, and you've read in Women's Magazines about my own struggles. Finding CR and learning how to have a relationship with food and my body where I'm happy with both has been quite a victory.
Lately, a new kind of survivor's guilt has replaced the old one. This is CR survivor's guilt. When I see people who are close to me eating poison and visibly aging before my eyes, I feel rather terrible. I recognize that CR is no zero-sum game, and that my eating fewer calories does not force those around me to eat more. But my awareness of my own biological aging processes has made me that much more attuned to the slow motion death march that so many of my friends are on. I feel like I am watching the Titanic sink, and waving as my lifeboat pulls away towards the shore. Luckily, there is no Celine Dion music playing in the background. If living a radically extended life meant having to listen to "My Heart Will Go On" for a thousand years, I might have to re-consider.
MR and I had a conversation about this last night over dinner. "You throw out lifelines to people, but you can't control whether or not they grab onto them," I said. We had a wonderful weekend of food and friends, including having a friend over for lunch who is doing serious work on his diet and lifestyle. We really enjoyed ranting about nutrition to someone who actually cares, and we both found it very gratifying to actually be able to help someone a bit, instead of just wringing our hands while our friends eat themselves to death. Then I spoke with a long term CR practitioner on the phone and found out that he has taken his CR even harder-core since I last saw him. It was exciting to CR-geek out with yet another freak such as ourselves. In the midst of all this rejoicing, I started to worry about all my friends who are not on the healthy path. I very much respect the right of people to eat what they want, and I try hard not to preach to the uninterested. But it makes me sad, especially when I see people who have thrown me very powerful lifelines in other context going under themselves.
[Side note: I now have that horrible song from the Titanic playing in my head. ARGH!]
I can't exactly kidnap my close friends and forcefeed them CR'd Zoned meals every day. Well, I could, but I'd get in trouble with the law, and MR would find it a bit disconcerting to host a prison camp in our living room. I can try to set a good example, and I can answer questions for those who actually want information. But I have to accept that sometimes that's all I can do.
In my rational mind, I can understand that saving myself does not mean that I am personally responsible for the drowning of others. There are an infinite number of seats on this lifeboat, and I'm willing to do what I can to pull others onboard.
But in my sad moments, I am acutely conscious that I will lose some of my friends much earlier than I want to. Smoking, eating too much of the saturated fat filled American diet, drinking too much... it adds up fast. Before I started CR, I was aging so fast that I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. "What happened to the girl who always gets carded???" I used to think to myself. By the time I was almost begging liquor store employees to ask me for ID, I knew something had to give. And I grabbed onto CR as though my life depended on it. Which of course it did.
It seems that a lot of CR practitioners came to CR through a crisis of sorts. I can only hope that if such a crisis occurs in the lives of those non-CR'd folk who are close to me, that having known me and known something about CR might convince them to give it a shot.
As a dear friend of mine once said in a radically different context, "It's better than a sharp stick in the eye."
And it beats the hell out of dying.
Posted by april at October 17, 2005 8:53 AM
Comments
I feel like I've grabbed onto the lifeline, but I'm still in the water - not drowning, but not exactly making a lot of progress in hauling myself out of the water just yet.
Perhaps you could start a CR colony, or commune, with a central kitchen. That'd be cool. Maybe CR retreats, where people could pay to come stay for a weekend, a week, two weeks, a month at a time. Or something modeled on the artist/writer workshop design, where people apply for grants to come live for a summer in peaceful surroundings and work on their writing and art (longevity related, or course) and come together for one lovely CR meal at the end of every day.
CRONies-in-residence. CRON Outreach centers. Fun to think about.
Posted by: Suzanne at October 17, 2005 10:43 AM
Great post. I know what you mean about watching others eat themselves to death. It's really heart breaking. I get so sad when I see my "little" brother now - he looks 5+ years older than me (graying thinning hair, lines and furrows in his face), and I'm 2 years older than he is. My jaw always drops when I see him (which is only once a year now that he lives in LA). And it's not like he doesn't know about CR, either - the whole rest of our family practice CR. I know I'm lucky, though - I'll have my parents and one brother for a much longer time, at least.
Posted by: Sarah at October 17, 2005 2:06 PM
All my friends are eating themselves to death too. Don't care about healthy eating at all but they understand what I'm doing and some of my friends support me and listen to what it's all about which is great... So far all my friennds have quite high blood pressure and when they use my BP cuff the results are always consistent, the majority of my cloest friends have bp's of around 150/110 at the ages of around 19-23. Looks like Im going to lose all my current friends!
Although my father and sister are quite healthy even tho they dont eat good and just basically eat crap almost everyday. my father is 51 and has BP of around 110/70 and hasn't been ill with anything for aslong as I can remember... Infact I don't think i've ever seen him get sick from colds or flu. Good genes in the family?! hope so!
People say howcan I eat the foods I do everyday... but i really really reallly enjoy steamed vegetables and all the rest of it. I enjoy my food much more than I have ever done now lol.
Finally my family have accepted what I am doing (CR) and have stopped moaning about how skinny I look. I said to them, Until they know a better way and can help me achieve my goal of longer life, i'll continue with CR :)
Posted by: Matt at October 17, 2005 5:46 PM