« The Rug Doctor and How To Make Your House Smell Like Spiced Wine | Main | Happy Hallo-Tatta! »
October 30, 2005
Your Transgression Is Being Processed
The ATMs for my bank flash the message, "Your transaction is being processed," while they spin around, trying to figure out if you have money in your bank account and then counting out the crisp twenty dollar bills that used to be referred to as "Yuppie food stamps." For several years, I would very clearly hallucinate that the ATM was telling me, "Your transgression is being processed."
I thought of this in the middle of the night when I woke up in the midst of a carb-induced anxiety spike. Not a full-blown panic like I used to have, but a distinct feeling of spinning, irrational worry... a feeling that almost always follows an unusually high carb meal.
Last night we went out with our friends in Center City, and after the event we attended everyone wanted to go to Bertucci's, an Italian chain that specializes in brick oven pizza. MR had packed a delicious megamuffin for me, and I ate half of it while everyone waited for a table, sitting at the bar and drinking a nice glass of cabernet. Cabernet and megamuffin: two great things that go great together. I felt rather full after half the muffin, so I gave my friends the other half so they could try it.
Then we sat down to eat. And I started to get hungry. I'm at the point in my CR journey where when I'm hungry, I'm HUNGRY. I LOVE Italian food. I took a bite of my friend's cheese ravioli. It was really, really good. Then I was really hungry. Ate a pizza dough roll. That was really yummy too. Then I ate some of the brick oven pizza that my friends hadn't finished... that was really good too. I also had a bite of my friend's chocolate cake, but that wasn't all that good and we left most of it.
I thought for a moment about how I can eat pizza and such every once in awhile, and because my quotidian diet is so high nutrition and low calorie, I can still maintain a very low weight and excellent health. Moderate CR, as it were. I wondered for a moment if I really do want to take my CR more hardcore, suffer the occasional hunger, and not freak out on pizza.
Then I woke up in the middle of the night with the predictable anxiety. And I felt icky, icky icky... as though my blood was turning to sludge. And I remembered that I ALWAYS feel that way after I pig out on something like pizza.
And I reflected again that even if I were certain that CR would not get me a significant increase in lifespan, I'd probably still do it. The immediate effects of eating high saturated fat, high carb food are so unpleasant that I don't want to feel that way now, much less in 50 years!
I am lucky, I think, in that my body's own response to unhealthy food is so powerful that it serves as great conditioning. I just have to remind myself of what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, seething with irrational fears, and feeling vaguely sick to my stomach and sluggish. This morning, sure enough, I was having symptoms of having eaten too much cheese (I'll spare you the details.)
So why do I still, from time to time, freak out on pizza?
Well, first and foremost, cause it's yummy. I love pizza! I'd better get MR to make me some of those CR pizzas soon! It occurred to me that I should make more of my CR-adapted Italian type entrees for myself, since I love things like marinara and artichokes and such, and I can eat them and still feel great if I CR the recipe. It's also hard to resist delicious food, no matter what the consequences, when one is hungry. It was bad planning to show up hungry and eat only half of my megamuffin.
But there's something else too. There's a definite thrill to doing something "bad." I spent the day cleaning the house, which I actually enjoy and find relaxing, but after a very busy week at work during which I kept very well to my CR goals and a day of cleaning the house, I had just about had it with being "good." I felt like transgressing.
The other day I chatted with VLC, who is doing very well in DC BTW, and we reflected that we seem to have given up all of our old vices. We no longer pig out on bagels, drink like collage students, spend ridiculous amounts of money on dinners out, or do any number of wild and crazy things we used to do.
"We've been so good lately..." I said, "Makes you wonder if we'll just freak out and rob a bank."
While eating a bunch of Bertucci's food is definitely not morally wrong, and not nearly as damaging in the long term as robbing a bank, it's a bad way to express my very occasional need to be "bad." Why? Cause it makes me feel like crap! Forget life extension, I want to feel good in the here and now!
I have to find other things to do that will feel good while still feeling "bad." I need new sins, fresh transgressions. I am accepting suggestions.
If only I could convince myself that there was something scandalous about living with a man whom I have no intention of marrying. That used to be really wild. My parents, his parents, and everyone we know are so delighted that it's hard to feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've noticed that it's almost impossible to rebel against my parents, as they're extremely supportive of everything I do. I never bothered as a teenager -- I was too busy working hard to get into a good college so that I could meet skinny geeky boys. No time for rebellion when you have your eyes on the real prize. But I digress.
Union organizing is a rather radical thing to do in this country, but on a day to day basis, it entails sitting in diners talking with middle aged women about their jobs. Organizing people to make real improvements in their work lives isn't about shouting loudly at rallies: it's about talking with people one on one, one by one, moving them beyond their fears and defeatism, and giving them the tools to make change. And then pushing them to actually make the changes, but that's another story. It's exciting to me, and it's a bottomless font of meaning and fulfillment, but on a day to day basis, it's not exactly scandalous.
I have some unusual spiritual practice, but in this day and age when yoga is mainstream and suburban housewives have "The Goddess is coming and she is p*&*ed" bumper stickers, you can't really scandalize anyone unless you bite the head off a bat or something.
Maybe I'll start decorating for the wrong holiday. Like, instead of Christmas, I'll turn the house into a giant Easter egg hunt. Then in January I'll put up July Fourth.
No, that wouldn't be transgressive, that would just be stupid.
I think I might try to embrace the rebellion implicit in refusing to eat the way everyone else does. It's a pretty radical statement to refuse gak when everybody's doing it, and I'd have to admit that I find it maddeningly sexy when MR calmly refused "just one bite" of whatever's on offer. It's also an amazing spiritual exercise every time I make a decision and stick to it. On an occasion by occasion basis, I can decide how I want to eat, and find other ways to be a bad girl. My friends have already demonstrated that they're willing to share their pizza with me or not. I have a group of friends who are unusually respectful of others.
Maybe next time, I'll order off the restaurant menu but eat something CR-friendly, like a big salad. That way I wouldn't feel left out of the social eating experience, but I also wouldn't have a pizza hangover. Maybe I'll plan my calorie week so that I can afford a big feeding on the night when I know I'll be going out with this group. Maybe I'll chew on MR's finger everytime I feel an urge to eat pizza. No, that might hurt him, especially if the pizza stand was placed right next to me like it was last night. You'd hate for MR to go through a radically extended life with a radically chewed up finger. Though surely in a transhumanist future we could address that. But I digress.
My CR is ever-evolving, and I think it's important to be real about how hard it is at times to integrate serious CR into socializing. I'd never call up and order a pizza, but when it's right in front of me and I'm hungry, it's hard to resist. The occasional, or even monthly, freak out on pizza isn't an obstacle to moderate CR, and up until now, I've worked such things into my CR practice with no difficulty. As I've said before, I'm amazed at how easy it is to maintain my weight... it's like I barely even make an effort anymore. But going deeper takes work. I get really hungry now, and while I'm always very satisfied after my delicious, nutritious CR meals, it leaves me more vulnerable to the pizza monster.
I also hope that my occasional CR disasters encourage those of you who are trying to do CR to go easy on yourself when you have little food freak outs. This isn't about being perfect, or moral, or never ever having a wild day. It's about figuring out what you want, how you want to live, and what makes you feel best, and then doing it. If eating fewer calories and better nutrition makes you feel good, then I hope I can provide you with ways to make that easier and more fun. CR is for anyone who wants to try it, and there are as many ways to CR as there are CR practitioners.
It's a lot to process. In the meantime, transgression suggestions are welcome. Just remember, this is a family-friendly website, so keep it G-rated.
Posted by april at October 30, 2005 8:14 AM