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January 21, 2006
Beware of Buddhists Bearing Tequila
Last night I had planned to make dinner for two friends at the apartment of one of the friends, and we were going to do work on the script for a dramatic ritual (that's kinda like a funny little play) that we'll be performing in spring. The friend lives conveniently near a Whole Foods, so I had planned exactly what I was going to purchase and cook, and I was saving up calories all day for a big dinner. The plan was to serve hummus and carrots as an appetizer, a variation on MR's CR'd Zoned pizzas on Trader Joe's Low Carb Tortillas with Quorn tenders, tomato paste, olive oil and red peppers and part skim organic mozzarella, a side order of broccoli with lemon and olive oil, and Stoneyfield Farm organic vanilla maple yogurt with almonds for dessert. Sounds like a giant feast, but neither of these friends are CR'd and I wanted to present a plentiful meal, so I ate very little during the day. I had to sit in a smoke-filled bar from 11 am - 5 pm meeting with nurses as they came in and out, so I drank innumerable cups of tea and ate one of MR's brownies (there are still tons of them in the freezer, don't worry) for 260 calories and 26% of the RDA of everything. The brownie is so satisfying that I wasn't very hungry even though I consumed so few calories over the course of the day, which is a testament to the power of the Megabakedgood.
Anyhow, I showed up at friend A's apartment, and friend B had called to cancel due to not feeling well. So friend A and I proceeded to do some work in preparation for the ritual, putting off shopping for dinner until afterwards. It was about 7 by the time we hit the Whole Foods, and by this time we were getting pretty hungry, so we decided to simplify dinner and not go to the trouble of making the whole fancy several course spread. We picked up hummus and grape tomatoes, and then I said we needed to grab some Quorn.
Friend A (let's call him Evil Drinking Buddhist, for reasons that will soon become clear) headed for the produce section.
"No, in the freezer section," said I.
Evil Drinking Buddhist headed for the frozen vegetables section.
"No, not corn, QUORN!"
"Can you spell the word you're saying?"
So I spelled it, and marveled that a vegetarian who lives right next door to Whole Foods had never tasted Quorn. I purchased the tenders, and we headed back to his place, where I whipped up a two second feast of Quorn tenders in simple tomato sauce wrapped in low carb tortillas. We skipped the cheese, cutting tons of calories out of the meal, had no dessert, and snacked on a few "baby" carrots (I put them in quotes because they're obviously not really baby carrots, they're adult carrots chopped in smaller pieces and packaged and sold for higher prices) and hummus while I cooked. The meal was delicious and satisfying while simple and low calorie... much lower than I had planned on.
Evil Drinking Buddhist suggested that we hit a nearby bar for a drink before I took the train, and I agreed as I didn't have to drive (I always take the train into the city when I go, and we live a block and a half from the station so I walk home) and had lots of calories left.
I regret to report that I consumed a very large portion of the day's calories in alcoholic beverages. I started with pinot noir, but Evil Drinking Buddhist got it in his head that it would be fun to buy me my first (and only) tequila shot. Yes, I reached the age of 31 having never had a tequila shot. And I hope that, counting on CR to keep me healthy enough to take advantage of the first generation of radical age reversing biotechnologies, I will reach the age of 945 without ever having another tequila shot. One shot, btw, has 110 calories. Not worth it. I didn't quite get through the whole thing, and it was pointed out to me that you're not supposed to sip it. The Evil Drinking Buddhist finished it for me and I switched to vodka with diet Coke and a lime, a relatively low carb low cal drink I have heard referred to as a "Skinny Bitch." I suppose that's better than a vodka cranberry, my pre-CR favorite cocktail, but still, not a great use of calories or a nice thing to do to my liver. The alcohol hit me very hard after my seven day not drinking holiday, and made me feel like taking another seven day not drinking holiday. I felt fine this morning... I have an incredible ability to not be hung over, but I felt really stupid for consuming that many calories in nutrient-free carbs.
While we were hanging out, Evil Drinking Buddhist and I had a fascinating conversation about the way that people can play the role of symbols in our lives. That can be a good thing, as long as you recognize it. For example, before I met him when I was just reading his posts on the List and in the Archives, MR became a symbol to me of many things I wanted: health, self-discipline, Canadian-ness. Now that he is in my life as a real person, I interact with him as much more than a symbol, but the symbolic MR still functions as a psychological lighthouse, shining in the distance and showing me the way home. The real MR doesn't have to dress in black and white stripes and put a lightbulb on his head to make the symbolism work, and it's important with friends, family, colleagues and lovers to distinguish between what people symbolize to us and who they really are as people. But if you can keep track of the difference, people can function as powerful symbols in the narrative of your life.
I think that Evil Drinking Buddhist functions in my life as great reminder that I'm not perfect. Every time I hang out with him, I end up feeling stupid for drinking more than I really should or normally would. Then I take awhile to beat myself up for not being perfect, to wonder why I sometimes have trouble saying, "No, thank you," and to feel like a horrible inadequate person because I sometimes enjoy drinking dessert instead of eating it. Of course in the lower points of this process I completely forget what a great week I had of keeping my calories below 1150, my nutrition most excellent, and drinking not at all, including turning down a glass of wine that a friend really pushed me to drink when I was out earlier in the week.
I think I was starting to get too arrogant about my week of dietary near-perfection. All that moral pirouetting is really quite disgusting, and Evil Drinking Buddhist can remind me from time to time that while I may be doing well and have tons of self-discipline these days, I too can be tempted by the lure of the Skinny Bitch at the corner bar.
Moralizing about food or drink, I find, doesn't help. I start to think to myself, "I've been so good, don't I deserve to be bad?" That's not a healthy way to think about food, and it sets you up for indulging in unhealthy eating or drinking just to feel free and fun. A few drinks on a Friday night aren't going to kill me or damage my health, but I've found that I'm happier when I drink less and that my anxiety tends to spike in response to any giant infusion of carbs, be they chocolate or alcohol. I'd be better off to have one carefully measured drink and eat more food!
Evil Drinking Buddhist says he enjoys pushing people's buttons by tempting them with things they don't think they should have. He offered me some fancy chocolate, and was downright disappointed when I said I didn't like it enough to blow calories on it. Many people enjoy getting other people to be "bad" -- in fact it's a common phenomenon among groups of women -- but most people won't admit to it. I find Evil Drinking Buddhist's honesty refreshing. I think that the desire to get others to do something "bad" often arises out of a wish to nuture the other, not to harm. If someone enjoys something but usually abstains from the behavior, it might seem like doing them a favor to encourage them to give up their usual inhibitions and go ahead. That's no big deal with the thing isn't harmful, or is even helpful, for example, encouraging a workaholic to take a vacation. But eating too much and drinking too much will eventually, now or later, make you sick. A little here and there won't hurt, but for me, a carb overload almost always leads to anxiety spikes. So I should learn to stick to my guns and say no to the next round of drinks, even though I'm having a great time and I love both being and drinking a Skinny Bitch. If I'm feeling a psychological need to rebel, I can always wear white shoes before Labor Day.
When I get stuck in the morally good vs. morally bad way of thinking about my food choices, I am more likely to make poor choices. When I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the goal -- that's living as long as possible as healthy as possible and enjoying every minute of living at peace with my body -- I make chocies to accomplish that. While it's great to congratulate myself on feats of self-discipline, and postive reinforcment is very good (I was so proud after I turned down that glass of wine, in spite of social pressure, on Wednesday, and that's a perfectly reasonable way to feel) I can get carried away by thinking that I am a better person because I make these choices, and even looking down my nose a bit at those who don't make as healthy food choices. Evil Drinking Buddhist can be a symbol that I have to constantly strive to meet my goals, and I can't sit back and rest on my laurels while sipping tequila.
Reflecting upon the evening also gives me more compassion for those who struggle with their food choices. Because I so recently conquered my weight issues, I find myself exceedingly frustrated with people in my life who do nothing about their own weight problems. On the flip side, I am extremely excited when anyone I know takes positive steps of any sort to address weight and health issues. I just flip out when my readers tell me about their successes... it's like re-living my winning battle every time. But watching others ignore their weight problems and eat gak makes me nutty, in a way that is most unbecoming. A Friday night meeting with my nemisis, the urge to drink too much while socializing, is no doubt a healthy slap on the wrist.
It's also a good example of how the people you're around influence you, no matter how strong and self-disciplined you are. My diet and lifestyle have improved since MR moved in, and not just because he packs my lunch and my thermos of green tea. Having someone to eat dinner with who loves my CR cooking and doesn't feel deprived when we eat in instead of going out has helped me cut back on high calorie restaurant eating. When he's just as excited as I am when I cut back on my calories or give up old habits that are counterproductive, it encourages me to keep journeying forward. Sometimes I feel like I have a long way to go, and it's a bit lonely to sail alone when my Orange One is so far away. But the thought of a very long future together propels me forward, even when the tequila-filled waters of my metaphorical CR journey get a bit choppy.
Posted by april at January 21, 2006 10:21 AM
Comments
That's the coolest headline I've seen in awhile April :-)
Posted by: Dave at January 21, 2006 1:27 PM
April, You're always an interesting read..
Canadian-ness is a worthwhile thing.. I, being Canadian, affirm it.. us Canadians generally do make a lot of sense, except for Paul Martin lately.. (but I probably shouldn't bring up election hysteria into the blog) :)
Compassion is important. People do have the right to live their life as they choose (as long as it doesn't harm others).. even if they make sub-optimal choices.. and even if/when it involves people that you care about. And maybe, collectively, we're all the richer for it. There's so much variety in people and what they do in the world... it helps make the world a very interesting place.
Be happy that you can follow your own path among like-minded people. And embrace the others in your life while they're here. After all, any of us, even hard-core CR practitioners, could die tomorrow. Accident or incident can happen to anyone. After all, Kurzweil's Singularity isn't here yet.
Posted by: gregg m. at January 21, 2006 2:58 PM
.. oh, and Quorn is good stuff! Just wish it was cheaper..
Posted by: gregg m. at January 21, 2006 4:02 PM