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February 6, 2006
Re-Reading the RANT... and Some Thoughts On Hunger
Sometimes you need a good shot of fire and brimstone. Sometimes you need to get the wind knocked out of you before you're ready to emerge from your cocoon. Sometimes you need to mix metaphors.
This is one of those times.
I am actually hungry.
This doesn't happen all that much for me. I've managed to maintain a calorie level and nutrient balance such that I feel pretty satisfied all the time. Sure, I'm hungry just before my meals, but it doesn't last long and doesn't feel particularly uncomfortable. It's quite lovely to be hungry just before a meal, something that ad lib eaters sometimes forget about. The joy of physically (not just psychologically) needing food, and satisfying that deep need. Yum yum yum!
But this is different. I've learned that consistency makes it easier for me to go lower, so I'm pushing the envelope. I'm exercising and measuring everything. I did go out last Thursday, so I know I was in calorie-overage. But after several days of 950, I'm feeling it.
And tonight I met my best friend for a drink on the way home from work. So there are some resveratrol socializing calories that don't exactly fill a girl up.
I learned, back in my last episode of hunger in the fall, how to note that the hunger is there, say hello to it, and then move forward. On with my day. Just like how you note that an annoying person you work with is still there: you may not be able to fire him, but you can scurry past his desk without getting entrapped in conversation.
I also find that hunger blunts some of my less pleasant emotions rather nicely. For example, if all around me are having a crisis and acting insane, I can observe them and say to myself, "I'd love to join you in your emotional mayhem, but I'm too busy contemplating my next meal." I'm sure to some folks this sounds like a horrible way to live, but I find it much more pleasant to worry about the beauty of nonfat cottage cheese and when it will next intersect with my mouth than to take part in other people's hysteria. I have always had an excess of emotion, so a little emotional deadening was a welcome change. I haven't experienced all that much deadening... my libido has definitely *increased* since CR, but the major confounding factor is meeting and moving in with the love of my life, which is bound to increase libido. I've also had a very stressful year, so it's possible that I have had tons of emotional deadening but I can't tell cause I'd just be insane if it weren't for CR!
Meanwhile, back at the place where I'm not eating, I needed some motivation. Needed to touch the flame, if you will. So I did an archive search (how my heart speeds up when I type in his email address into the "author" line in the search engine!) and came up with my beloved RANT again. Memories of quoting his funniest lines to him while we sat staring into each other's eyes over dinner at the CR Conference. Memories of carrying around the RANT when I went bar hopping with friends in Philly, as defense against the random guy who would hit on me. "What ya reading?" "A paper about how you really have to dramatically reduce what you eat in order to live longer by this really hot guy who weighs 115 pounds!" Dude-repellant if I ever saw it!
Hunger is not so bad, though too much of it is often distracting, and has to be factored in with other quality of life factors in deciding on a total CR program. I find hunger infinitely more bearable than say, cold. I hate being too cold or too hot, which is awkward since I am almost always too cold, except for when I am too hot. I just don't like weather -- never have, not growing up in the South, not going to high school in Northern Michigan. I despise weather of any sort. I dislike climate. There is just about one temperature I like, and it is rarely availble. I've learned to live with it, but I definitely prefer a little hungry feeling to being cold. Especially to having a cold nose. I hate that. I wish someone would knit me a nosewarmer.
I feel compelled from time to time to check in on the website of a computer geek I was totally obsessed with in college who shares the same initials as a large government agency. I am no longer obsessed with him, so I only check his website about every six months, but every once in awhile I find it gratifying to learn that he's doing well, designing software, writing books, speaking at conferences, and in general being the genius boy that I expect all of my ex-lovers to be. We had a brief fling my sophomore year in college, and I got over it in about 2003. I kid you not. I went on with my life, had lots of lovers, tons of career success, even fell in love a couple of times, but never got over the dude with the initials of the government agency that the former governor of Pennsylvania was head of for awhile until some point in 2003. It is just a coincidence that I moved to his home town and that my union represents the nurses at the university where his parents teach. Point being, years of obsession with a guy who wears an MC Escher tie with a bright purple sport jacket is much, much more painful than hunger. I am so glad I got over that years before I met my angel... and if we ever run into the dude, I will ask him to donate to the Mprize. After I demand an apology for dumping me in 1994. I mean, after I politely inquire about his wife and children.
Missing my Orange is a great deal worse than hunger, because the longing for my Orange One is something that is in fact quite healthy and I know that if he were here, I would enjoy him much more than I would enjoy, say, a grapefruit. Even a Star Ruby grapefruit. And he has no calories. So the absence of him has no upside, whereas the absence of excess calories (with adequate nutrition, blah blah blah for those of you who are just joining us this is about Calorie Restriction with Optimal Nutrition) has a life-extending upside.
Annoying people are INFINITELY worse than hunger. I would rather be quite ravenous than have to deal with some of the annoying people who populate this earth. Call me a misanthrope, but as I get older, my tolerance for annoying humans is actually decreasing. I think that I have less need to connect to others now that I am very satisfied with my own company and the company of those close to me, so I am more discriminating in my taste.
I would rather be hungry than angry, or hungry than tired. I would rather be hungry than clean out the basement. I would rather be hungry than anxious, and I would definitely rather be hungry than sad.
I would rather be hungry than dead.
So what's the big deal about hunger? People act like it's the end of the world. It comes and it goes, and most CR people don't experience that much of it after the initial weight loss phase is past. I am in another weight loss phase, a result of pushing my calories lower now that consistency has given me the tools to do so. I'm kicking it up to 1050 again for awhile because I think 950 was a bit *too much* hunger, more than I'm willing to deal with at the moment. But that doesn't mean I'll run away from the moments of hunger that will come even at 1050... I'm sitting here now thinking that I'm actually quite hungry, but I'm going to bed instead of eating because I'm done for the day, calorie-wise. The temptation in the past would have been to realize that I was hungry, panic, and eat the highest cal, highest carb gak I could get my hands on. Now, I realize that I am hungry, process the information as *information,* not as a disaster alarm, and make decisions accordingly, juggling my life-extension goals, my quality of life issues, and three organic kiwis for a dollar. (Actually, I don't know how to juggle, but I like the image of someone juggling three organic kiwis.) I can realize that I'm hungry, make a decision to eat something, and make that something very healthy. Or make a decision to postpone eating until later. Or make a decision to postpone eating until I learn to juggle. No, that would be bad. I am very uncoordinated and would starve to death.
Occasional hunger is a small price to pay for the chance of making it to the time when real anti-aging biotech is available. It's a small price to pay for spending years upon years in the arms of my Orange genius boy. It's a small price to pay for looking good in a bikini long after that dude who dumped me in college is old and fat.
I mean that in a nice way. Really, I wish him all the best.
Posted by april at February 6, 2006 7:27 PM