April's CR Diary

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March 5, 2006

Rejuvenation

The other day as I interviewed a candidate for an organizer job, he asked me why I sound so pessimistic about the timeline for nurses organizing in Philadelphia. I said it was because I had been organizing for a very long time -- ten years now -- and it has made me realistic. Realistic enough to know that the world isn't just waiting for me to burst on the scene. Realistic enough to know that the conditions that make people want to organize are largely out of our control. Realistic enough to know that change takes a long, long time.

I told him that the main reason why I started CR in the first place was to try to live long enough to see a radically different kind of world. Sometimes I feel like I must count on the success of Aubrey de Grey and MR's work to bring forth the radical anti-aging biotechnology, or else I'll never live to see even the beginning of a change. It's so hard to live in a world where so many people are miserable, yet for forces in the culture and in their own psychology, they refuse to take the steps that would allow them to take control of their lives.

I've been going through a period of rejuvenation in my organizing work, and feeling more connected to it than I have in ages. I keep telling MR, "This is what my life is really like," as I walk out the door at quarter till six in the morning, not to return until nine at night. I have two campaigns in full bloom, two more in the little tiny bud on the branch stage, and a brilliant new organizer who needs lots of training and attention to reach the incredible potential she already shows. I find myself feeling the enthusiasm of a young organizer as I set out in the morning before dawn to meet the professionals on their way into work, but with the endurance and skill and strength of a very old organizer who has won a lot, lost once or twice, and learned what it really means to fight the fight for the long haul.

My organizing rejuvenation makes me wonder if this is how it will feel to partake of the first generation of anti-aging biomedicine. To have the experience and wisdom of age, while feeling my body getting physically younger. CR was a rejuvenation in itself, and I know that I rely on the greater strength and stamina that CR gives me to make it through my long and stressful days. It is often said that youth is wasted on the young, and as I experience a kind of second youth in my work, I see all the ways in which I could not appreciate the energy of my first organizer youth when I was 22 and 23. Watching my newly minted organizer begin to try her wings (I never met a metaphor that didn't need some mixing!) I re-live many of the same emotions I went through, but this time with the distance and analysis of someone who has been through and learned so much more.

CR has so much in common with organizing. Both require a major transformation that has effects far beyond the immediately obvious. Both require individuals to take control of their lives, in spite of society's pressure to conform. Both can be stressful and cause you to make a mess of the kitchen. When I hear people complain about their bodies and their health but continue to eat gak, I am filled with frustration. When I hear nurses and other health care professionals complain about their working conditions but shy away from taking the very steps that would result in an improvement, I want to rip my hair out or worse. But over the years I have learned distance, patience, and to take the long view. None of this has come easy to me, but it was a matter of my very survival.

To learn to live with the frustration, I had to learn to forgive the part of myself that sees things I want to change but can't quite motivate to make the change. I still struggle with it every day, and when I find myself becoming furious with either the nurses or the gak-eaters, I force myself to reflect on all the ways in which I am still not fully in control of my life. I still frequently eat too much of the wrong foods and fall short of my goals. I appear to be a human being, and it manifests in all sorts of annoying ways. I never want my bloggie friends to think for a minute that I hold myself out as an example of perfection. That's not what this is about. This is about striving to become the people we want to be, and supporting each other, even when we make different decisions.

I have told you what helps me to be the person I want to be. Good, healthy food; a quotidian diet that is easy and fast and ultra-nutritious and yummy spiked with a weekly night out at one of my favorite Center City restaurants; hard work in an environment where I am supported by the most amazing people on earth; the love of a brilliant and beautiful slightly orange man; a supportive and loving family that sees me as an adventure, not a freak; soft, furry cats who howl a bit more than strictly necessary but love me; daily meditation and care for my soul, not just my body. Maybe some of those things will work for you, maybe they won't. I offer them only as observations, maybe suggestions, not prescriptions. You are the only one who can figure out what works for you.

I am so happy now, so truly blessed in all areas of my life, but life has not always been perfect. I still cry about old injuries, still feel the pain of things that didn't work out the way I wanted or loved ones I lost. I cry about people I can't help, those I've loved and will never stop loving but simply can't save. I cry about people whose lives I saw destroyed by depression, anger turned inward on self, abuse of substances of whatever kind, or just plain lonliness. I find myself paralyzed by sadness over things that happened twenty years ago, and MR holds me until I feel better. It's better to feel the pain than to push it down until it erupts in less healthy ways, but it's still not a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I am grateful to have my angel here to hold me, and I wish that everyone had such an angel in their lives. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the consciousness that in a world of such pain and lonliness, I have found so much love and happiness. It doesn't seem fair, and it's not. But depriving myself of love wouldn't help others, it would just make me look silly. I do all I can to love those around me, even if it's just praying for them.

Just prayer... what a silly statement. No matter what you call it, the results of actively focusing your attention on the well-being of someone else, even someone whose life you can effect in no material way, can be very powerful. In just the last few months I've received the incredible gift of friendship from someone I had spent a lot of time praying for, and I believe that her life has been enriched as well. Sometimes all you can do is pray (or meditate, or send positive energy, or just stop annoying the person in whatever way you see fit), yet this is a powerful action to take.

There are so many ways in which you just can't change other people, yet changing your response can cause change far beyond what you had originally hoped to accomplish. I finally hit a point in my organizing work where I realized that I had to create a life for myself, independent of work, else I would wither away while waiting for something to happen and have nothing at the end to show for myself besides a whole bunch of notebooks of contact sheets and a whole lot of messages left on answering machines (you may have to be an organizer to get that one!) I worked hard to find life and love, and I did. For awhile, my work seemed less important. But as I experience a rejuvenation in my work, I find the love and life outside of work that I developed supports and strengthens me. There is more of me now (well, physically there is less of me now, but you know what I mean!) and I will need the additional strength and calm and power to face the challenges ahead.

It's not all about broccoli and brewers yeast, now is it?

But I have to make dinner. So go meditate on that.

Posted by april at March 5, 2006 4:45 PM

Comments

Posted by: Judith at March 5, 2006 6:50 PM

Posted by: ICR at March 6, 2006 8:20 AM

Posted by: zeynep at March 6, 2006 7:04 PM

Posted by: Judith at March 6, 2006 7:47 PM

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