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February 12, 2007
Cheap Tricks
[Warning: Do not read this if you are under eighteen, squeamish about women expressing thoughts of sexual desire, or Bill O'Reilly.]
Well, now that I've told the world about my superstar crush on Keith Olbermann, I may as well share with you a trick that I've learned recently to deal with sudden cravings for foods I don't, in my right mind, want to eat.
Here's the basic idea: when you find yourself contemplating consuming a food that you've made a conscious decision not to eat at this point (not in the calorie budget, something you're allergic to, high sugar gak that you know will shoot your blood sugar sky high and make you feel anxious, or whatever), think of a much more difficult to resist craving, but a craving for something that is not currently on offer. Get that image clearly in your head. Really relish the idea of having this thing you might want but would also make a conscious decision not to have, and in this case, isn't available to you right now anyhow.
I call it the "Keith Olbermann in a Hotel Bar Trick." I imagine Keith Olbermann sitting at the bar in a dimly lit, fancy-foo upscale hotel bar in New York. The light fixtures are modern and blue. There's jazz playing in the background. There is no smoking. Keith Olbermann is sitting alone at the bar drinking a glass of pinot noir (or seltzer water with a lime if he'd prefer... that guy would look so good with a slice of lime) and looking dashing. He's wearing a striped shirt with a blue tie. Or a red tie, I can't decide. His jacket is draped over the back of his chair. His hair is ever so slightly messed up, as though he'd just gotten off the show and run his fingers through it to disturb the ever so slightly too styled look he has on TV. In this fantasy, he's single, available to people of my sort (short, female) and exhausted from another fabulous night on the air but still energetic enough to make a new friend. (For the record, I have no clue whatsoever as to Keith Olbermann's marital or other status, and it's none of my business. I have no intention of actually seducing him, I just use him as a trick to avoid eating M&M's. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.)
There's an empty bar stool next to Keith Olbermann. And I have to somehow resist the temptation to sit down next to him, knowing full well that he's single and likes little redheaded leftist girls with long curly hair and glasses... and I have the key to a very nice hotel room upstairs.
And then, all of a sudden, resisting a handfull of cheap chocolate is no big deal.
In fact, I find that when I use this technique, I forget about food all together. Sometimes I decide it's a good time to distract my actual partner, my favorite example of male physical perfection (who will wear glasses upon request, even though he doesn't need them to see) from his work on reversing aging. Sometimes I drink a cup of tea. Sometimes I go for a skip on the treadmill. But I do not eat M&Ms.
I'm amazed at how powerful this trick is. No food is a match for the image of Keith Olbermann in a hotel bar. To paraphrase the founder of Weight Watchers' famous quote, "Nothing tastes as good as Keith Olbermann... looks."
Posted by april at February 12, 2007 9:17 AM
Comments
Whoa, I totally have a mantra now!
Dave Foley is more succulent than pad thai.... Dave Foley is more succulent than pad thai... Dave Foley is more succulent than pad thai....
Posted by: allswellinhell at February 12, 2007 8:35 AM
Did you say he'd look good in just a slice of lime?
No...right, with just a slice lime....sorry got distracted myself for just a moment...
..thanks for the post...it certainly will help.
Posted by: Deborah at February 12, 2007 9:07 AM
O.K. so I just finished eating a whole bag of M&M's.
I did what you said and imagined Keith Olbermann sitting at a hotel bar. Then I imagined myself wearing a long curly red wig, glasses and a dress. Keith Olbermann looked over at me, winked and patted the empty bar stool next to him as he raised his eyebrows twice. Then I said to myself WOW does Keith Olbermann have a thing for cross dressing men in red wigs? A cold sweat soaked my brow and a panic attack ensued. The only thing that would bring me back to reality was a bag of M&M's!
Did I do something wrong? I'm sure I can master this technique with a little more practice.
Posted by: Tim at February 12, 2007 2:28 PM
Sorry bout that Tim! I probably should have mentioned that you need to imagine an appropriate object for your own hotel bar fantasy! The Keith Olbermann thing only works with a small subset of M&M avoiders.
:)
If that doesn't work, try eating a grapefruit.
a
Posted by: April at February 12, 2007 2:40 PM
Greetings from the long time absentee witchy,
April, I am insanely busy with the new plays project and between reading 80 plays and dealing with bitchy playwrights, I've had no time to read you guys' blogs for the longest time. I missed your entries! I just want to add my own temptation avoidance image or fantasy if you want: It's Debra Messing in Diesel jeans and a nice, tight CK white t-shirt enjoying her glass of chardonnay waiting to meet me at the bar of the Hyatt in NYC. We have a room reserved for the night and a bottle of champagne in the room.
I am afraid that if that fantasy ever had the slightest chance of coming even close to coming true (like me running into Debra Messing at any hotel lobby bar any where in the world for example and just catching a glimpse of her in person) I would gladly eat cucumbers only for the rest of my life!
Posted by: istanbulwitchy at February 12, 2007 3:18 PM
Happy Saint Valentines day to you, April,,!!!!! Nick
Posted by: Nick D. at February 12, 2007 4:41 PM
Hey there, Zeynep! Glad you're back! JD :-)
Posted by: Judith at February 12, 2007 5:58 PM
Bad news: While I love this fantasy, all it seems to be doing for me is making me have fantasies about getting naked with Keith Olbermann and a bag of M&M's.
Posted by: Karmabitesthebigone at February 12, 2007 7:01 PM
Bad news for me too: I'm having fantasies of eating M&M's off of a naked Gerry Butler. He's 6'2"... I'll need the big bag.
Posted by: Nenette at February 15, 2007 5:39 AM