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March 1, 2007
Talking Back To Those Negative Voices
Our CR sister Emily wrote a beautiful post the other day in which she mentioned talking back to the negative voices about food and body image that haunt us all. In it, she said:
Because as it turns out, until writing this right now, I still have these thoughts in my head that I'm weak for eating more than 1000 calories every day, that if I were really strong, I'd be able to fast and exercise and drop this extra weight right away. And that is just not true. I would not be morally stronger, I would not be a better person if I'd eaten less. It is an accomplishment to not give in to the thoughts telling me just to lose the weight first and then get healthy, not a weakness. Eating less than my target number of calories is NOT an accomplishment. I need to learn to really, truly believe that.
Wow. YOU GO GIRL! Way to go, talking back to those destructive voices! Tell them where to go!
Controlling our calories in an obesogenic environment is hard. Monitoring our nutrition in a world where that's considered obsessive is hard. But the hardest task of all, I think, for the CR'd, especially for the CR'd woman, is talking back to those negative voices about food and body image in our heads. We spend so much of our lives absorbing the message that our weight = our worth that even as we get skinny the healthy way, it's still hard to keep perspective and realize that we are NOT a number on the scale.
It's hard even for me. I've been quite happy with my weight since the summer of 2004 when after spending ten years struggling to maintain a weight in the 120's with everything from lowfat veganism to weight lifting, then taking a short but horrific journey into the upper 130's (I am less than 5'2") I finally learned the CR tricks of the trade and got my weight down to 115. As it dropped gradually lower... 110, 108, 106 for a long time, followed by 104, 102, a brief spell at 99 and these days around 104 until I started putting on muscle through intense exercise and lately hit 107. I feel great in my body, enjoy the many health benefits of moderate CR, and shop with confidence for bikinis in the Victoria's Secret catalogue. But even I have moments when I hear the negative voices about food and body image in my head.
Take for instance these media appearances. I've grown accustomed to the look that reporters get when they finally meet me after reading the articles and the blog. There's a split-second look me up and down, followed by an almost tangible disappointment, and I see them mentally striking the word "emaciated" from their article. Sure enough, I'm not Kate Moss. I've still got the girly stuff, and lots of it. I can see them thinking, "I was expecting someone... thinner." And while I am extremely pleased with my persistent feminine curves, wouldn't want to give them up, and very happy in my body, even I find it rather frustrating to have to explain for the millionth time that I've lost forty pounds, CR isn't about looking like a skeleton, etc.
Luckily, I can produce someone who is as thin as these media folks want us to be. MR walks down the stairs and fulfills their sterotype of the CR'd male, but the fact is, even pre-CR, he was plenty skinny enough to do that. It's not about weight! Lots of skinny people are unhealthy and not CR'd! I know that and you know that, but I still experience the moment of frustration and self-doubt when I realize again that I'm not as skinny as people think I should be.
MR reminds me that "You're not skinny at all!" is usually a compliment. Especially when coming from a male. But I get sick of hearing it, and while I (with the help of my partner) always talk myself out of the negative thoughts, they still cross my mind every time someone exclaims that I'm really quite ample for someone on a calorie restricted diet.
Sometimes I am tempted to lose some weight before these media appearances, to become more of the skin and bones look that people expect from CR-bloggie girl. After all, I know all the tricks. I know how to lose weight the healthy, safe way, and I also know how to lose weight the fast and dangerous way, the way that leads to binges and self-hatred and wacky blood sugar roller coasters and unnecessary fights with one's best friend.
But I always talk myself out of these negative feelings, with the help of MR and my own internal survival instinct. I check in with my goals. Am I doing this to impress the media? NO! Am I doing this to live as long and healthy as I can in a youthful body and brain? YES!
And how can I best set a good example for my friends who are working to implement healthy change in their own lives? By sticking to healthy CR principles: no fast weight loss, no starving, nothing but good, nutrient dense food, enjoyed with the people I love (and the cats I love) and treated with the respect that our sustanance deserves. Yes, I am lowering my calories gradually. But when I find that I've gone too low, or implemented too much change at once (increased exercise plus decreased calories threw my body for a loop) I've got to readjust and find a balance that will keep me on the right track. I'm done with detours into the land of self-hatred, bad habits, and punishing my body for behaving the way it's biologically programmed to behave. I'm in it for the long haul, and that means that talking back to those negative voices is a matter of life and death. I've had to make peace with them, but it's an ongoing process... I just know that if I don't do what's right and healthy, I'll end up squandering years of health that I otherwise might have enjoyed. It's not worth the trade off.
I'm so happy to see my CR girls talking back to those negative voices. Learning to feel the pain, but to still choose the healthiest course of action, the one that comes out of self-love and respect for your body, not self-loathing and an urge to punish the body, is a key to long term success. We've got to argue with those destructive voices in our heads. Our lives depend on it.
Posted by april at March 1, 2007 10:49 PM
Comments
Okay, that's it. This is my absolute favorite April post, EVER. Absolute favorite! Ever! That's pretty much all I can say. Speechlessly thankful.
Oh, except: did you eat your megamuffin today?!
Posted by: Hilary Grace at March 1, 2007 7:41 PM
Awwww... thanks!!!
Megamuffin: yes! Cherry berry, for breakfast while sitting in a major traffic jam on the turnpike on the way back to the office from my mom's. Why do they do construction in the morning at rush hour?
a
Posted by: april at March 1, 2007 7:49 PM
Im going to order some mega-muffins first thing tomorrow morning!
Andrea is now making "mega muffin savory squares"
and they have 105.6 calories per serving. She is making mine low sodium and no lactose!
Sheila
Posted by: sheila at March 1, 2007 9:28 PM
I really like this post April. Thanks for the openess and honesty!
Haesel
Posted by: Hazel at March 1, 2007 10:38 PM
Absolutely fantastic! You said it sista!
Posted by: Jacq at March 1, 2007 11:28 PM
Very inspiring indeed.
Thank you!
Posted by: Deborah at March 2, 2007 6:06 AM
THANK YOU for bringing light to Emily's post. I read it the day she posted it but the part that says eating less than your target number of calories is NOT an accomplishment speaks to me more now that I've read it twice. I've had struggles similar to this and it really helps to hear this reaffirmed by voices outside my own head.
Posted by: Jennifer at March 2, 2007 8:57 AM
If only we could convince a nation of girls and women (CRed and non-CRed) that eating and food are not moral issues or feats of strength. While we can recognize the value of nutritionally sound/low calorie food, a few bites of cake do not make us "bad". There's so much to say about this post, but the short answer is: SAY IT AGAIN!
Posted by: Gina at March 2, 2007 9:10 AM
Thanks for this post - it's really interesting and has made me think quite a bit about my attitudes about this.
I'm currently struggling a bit in the opposite direction to you, sort of. I've lost 16 pounds in the last 4 months or so (was 168, now 152 - I'm 5'9", broad-shouldered, and do a lot of cycling so am pretty solid). I was top-end of "normal" BMI to start with & pretty happy with that. I'm obviously still a perfectly healthy weight, and the loss doesn't really show that much to outside observers as I've just gotten a bit smaller all over, & I'm still a broad-shouldered muscley cyclist :-)
But it's freaking me out slightly that *I* can see the change in my body, & I don't actually know how I feel about it. (I'm also a bit annoyed that I need to take some of my clothes in!) It's also freaking me out a little that I'm not particularly noticing the amount less that I'm eating (I'm still eating decent chocolate as I fancy it, & I'm not getting hungry. Really I'm just eating less pasta/rice & very very seldom crisps or sugary biscuits).
I chose to watch my diet a bit in order to lose some weight so I could cycle faster; and given that I'm not hungry I wouldn't start eating more again anyway. But I still don't know how to react to the changes, and it's made more complicated by my strong feelings about the way in which Western women are made to feel about their size. (I don't want to be thinking about losing weight! But I do want to cycle faster, so... ;-) )
I'm not what you'd call CRed atm (only about 100-200 kcal under DRI intake), though I'm thinking about whether I want to restrict a little more (and to what extent that's compatible with my cycling goals). I am finding your blog very interesting and it's given me a real kick to think harder about my nutrition - thanks!
Posted by: Juliet at March 2, 2007 10:31 AM
Thanks so much for the kind words! This is a really excellent post.
Posted by: emily at March 2, 2007 11:28 AM
Oh No! I feel kinda badly now because a while back I think I did leave a comment like "You're not skinny at all!" But what I meant was you two looked awesome and not like some Prison camp people , which is what I expected honestly.
Posted by: Jake Silver at March 2, 2007 2:12 PM
it's okay Jake... I took that as a compliment!
a
Posted by: april at March 2, 2007 3:29 PM
Hi April, a question more related to past posts for your thoughts on egg whites and dairy. I just read "Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease" by Caldwell Esselstyn. He advocates less than 10% fat all from plant sources but gives no information on total calories. He also states casein is carcinogenic and seems to have other problems with animal protein like chicken breasts and egg white. Given your emphasis on egg whites and dairy protein, I wonder if you disagree with this? My interest in CR related to preventing heart disease, and I find CR easy, but don't think I could eat that many beans for his diet. Any thoughts?
Posted by: pathdest at March 2, 2007 8:23 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you, April! And Emily too!
This was something I really needed to hear as I'm experiencing a bit of a CR struggle-spot. I "fell off the wagon" last summer and I'm still struggling to get back. Plus, with this my first CR winter, the cold Winnipeg weather is pushing me to reach for my former warm-weather comfort foods more often than I'd planned.
Beating myself up is such an automatic reaction when I'm not having a good CR day. But with CR, instead of just throwing in the towel like I had with other ways of eating/living, I awaken to a new day, and a new opportunity to do myself some good. CR has empowered me that way.
nen
Posted by: Nenette at March 3, 2007 11:38 AM