April's CR Diary

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September 29, 2007

Cranberry Salsa

It's cranberry time again!

Today I made a cranberry salsa. I made a salsa out of 300 g cranberries, cooked down till they popped in water, about a fourth teaspoon of garlic powder, a dash of dried onion, a dash of half-salt, and 230 g tomatoes, chopped. Plus 18 g fresh jalepeno peppers, diced. All stirred together with a tiny dash of pure sucralose... probably a packet of Splenda would substitute if you don't have the pure stuff.

Cranberry is definitely a fall favorite in our house. I'm decorating for Halloween today, and I am already having fun with fall foods like the chili pumpkin dish I made today for lunch, and the cranberry salsa that MR will be eating for the next few days.

What are your favorite fall foods?

Posted by april at 7:02 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Just Because You Don't Like It, It Doesn't Make It a Disorder

Before I waste one more minute when I could be on the treadmill, cooking, or doing any number of things that are useful and productive arguing with people who insist that CR must be an eating disorder, I decided to compile, as best I can, all the entries I've written in the past so that said people may reference them and stop wasting my time. Their arguments are so consistent that any of these is practically a one-size-fits-all. So why bother responding every time? Life, no matter how radically extended, is too short.

Reply to Katherine Stevens on the Rudd Center blog.

Second Rudd Center article accusing us of having an eating disorder, my reply, and their webmistress' reply to my reply.

My response to Kate Taylor's article in Slate, which was at best pathetic and at worst a violation of journalistic ethics.

Wow, this is an old one. Just found it from goggling myself + anorexia!

This is one of my all time favorites, On the Nature of Compulsion.

Ooooooh, another all time fave, Women's Magazines.

On my personal experience of having close friends who really did have anorexia.

Another basic one on the differences.

Great post from Emi, who really knows.

More fun stuff in comments... recent exchange with "Jackie:"

I would agree with you on one point: that there exists a distinct paradox where a woman's weight is concerned. Either a woman is fat, or she is weight-obsessed and "anorexic." On the other hand, I think there is one fatal flaw with the rest of your argumentation here. You claim that NOT ALL women have eating disorders (either ones that involve eating too much/emotionally, or ones that eat too little/obsessively). In claiming that not all women have issues with food in this way you seem to be offering yourself as an example... because what other profound example could you have? But you CAN'T offer yourself as a proper example of a woman free of disordered eating. I would say all this CR business is just as obsessive as anorexia. Perhaps the goals and the driving force behind it are healthier (and I use that word very loosely) but it is still obsessive to the core. It seems quite disordered (and a great waste of time and energy) to be "in a state of panic" (for example) because a coworker suggests you go out to lunch with him. That is just as disruptive as any other sort of disordered eating. Food and thoughts of food should not dominate a person's life so entirely. So while at the end of the day I agree with the general principle that not all women have disordered eating, and with the thought that women in America are forced to suffer through the weight paradox, I do not believe that you personally can offer yourself as a paradigm of the "healthy, eating disorder-free" woman. A woman can only be free of eating disorders if she eats to live (to use a horrible cliche) as opposed to living to eat. And while I know the "science" behind CR promotes itself as a system designed for "eating to live," in reality, it is just the opposite because it forces a person to obsess about food -- which in my opinion is definitive of "living to eat."

I am not trying to criticize, here, by the way. I'm just a little frightened by CR. It makes me feel that the world will never be free of this weight obsession that it seems to have acquired in the last several decades.

Posted by: Jackie at September 25, 2007 11:18 AM

And I reply:

Oh for heaven's sake Jackie, how many times have I addressed that?

I may be obsessed with union organizing, but I am definitely not obsessed with food. Unlike those with eating disorders, be they anorexics or compulsive overeaters, those of us who practice CR actually love food, love our bodies, and love our lives. Anyone who actually knows one of us, and actually knows an anorexic, can tell you there's a big, big difference.

In fact, I think we're a lot happier with our relationship with food than your average American. We just don't eat mindlessly: we eat for actual reasons, not just because food is shoved in our face at every turn. We eat for nutrition, we eat for energy, we eat because we enjoy the experience of good food shared in the company of those we love, but we don't just eat because it's there. And most of us manage to avoid eating just because of social pressure. Who are other people to tell me when and where and what I should eat? That's all social pressure to eat or not eat is... why would I allow that to make my decisions anymore than I would allow social pressure to convince me to take dangerous drugs or do anything else harmful? Maybe I am scarred by the eighties, but I am a firm believer in "Just say no thank you," if someone is pushing you to do something you don't want to do.

I am so tired of this line of argumentation, which is not really your fault as you probably haven't read the zillions of entries I (and others) have already written about it.

To pay attention to something, to research it and decide what is the course of action that one wants to take, and then to take that action, to reach one's goals, even when it takes self-discipline and self-control isn't a disorder. It's behaving rationally.

But in our society, any symptom of self-control gets hit with "disorder! obsession!"

I think if you read the blog a bit longer, you'll find that CR is not disruptive to my life at all... at least no more than traffic lights are to driving. I have so much more energy, feel so much better, never get sick, and I don't waste any time hating my body, cause I love the way I look and feel!

You know what was disruptive to my life? How I lived before CR. Getting a cold twice a year, having to buy new clothes because I kept gaining weight, having to wait for the elevator because I was too unfit to climb the stairs to my forth floor office. Wow, I've saved the time I spend chopping vegetables already!

But you know what's really disruptive to life?
Aging, disease, and death. Aging really slows you down. Disease sure can ruin a good time. And death speaks for itself.

It seems to me that having a "I'll make choices to improve how I feel today and my long term health," is actually the non-disordered attitude here. Perhaps your priorities aren't in line with mine... no problem! It's quite unusual to be interested in CR, and if you are scared of it, I suggest you stay as far away as possible. Perhaps something in you can't handle the idea of anyone exercising conscious control over his or her food intake. A lot of former anorexics feel that's too close to their bad experience to be able to be in contact with it, and I totally respect that. It's wise for people to set their own boundaries. I don't watch scary or violent movies or tv shows because I don't want to put those images into my brain. My choice: others love Law and Order.

But I do wish folks could stop projecting their own issues onto us. It wasn't such a problem when there were only male CR practitioners, but now that women do it, people assume we're all anorexics. If only any of you actually met us... you'd see how vibrantly healthy and happy we are. To the point where the girls among us often get called vain because we love our bodies that much. Of course, it's annoying to be mistaken for being in my early twenties when I'm 33 and trying to be taken seriously at a national meeting for work, but it's a price I'm willing to pay. That didn't happen pre-CR, for sure.

Loving our bodies enough to take care of them, in a real way. Radical, I know.

I apologize if I sound harsh. It's just that I've been through this territory so many times that I have lost patience. Please don't feel unwelcome, and browse some of the earlier entries if you want a better understanding of what's going on. Especially the "Women's Magazines" article from the old site, which if you google aprilcr blogspot "women's magazines" will probably come up but I'm on such a slow connection right now that I can't seem to find it.

a

Posted by: april at September 25, 2007 12:57 PM

I didn't mean to upset you, I was just making an observation regarding what I view as faulty logic. I have read only one or two items on this blog and decided to post my opinion on those few. I will of course cease and desist if I've offended you in some way. But I would imagine that someone who begins a blog such as this might be open to opposing lines of thought. Really, I'm just trying to understand the mindset, I suppose.

You say that you are happier with your lives and with your eating than the average American is... but that isn't saying much. It's merely an attack aimed at a group so general that I don't think you can make it with any modicum of certainty and would be foolish to try to do so. Also, I'm sorry but you still haven't made any headway on denying the obsessive aspect of CR. If you need to weigh your food and enter every single thing you put in your mouth into a computer program... that is obsessive. (Or at the very least it necessitates much more time and effort than I am willing to put into food. Which isn't a proper arguement in and of itself, I know.) You claim that you are happier because you don't eat mindlessly. But it seems you do just the opposite: you eat TOO mindfully. You've reacted to one problem by turning to the extreme opposite... Personally I greatly enjoy the things I eat. I eat healthily and when I want to eat. I know what is healthy and what isn't and I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I am also at a very healthy weight, rarely get sick, and am very happy with my body. Period. There is no calculating or worrying (by worrying I mean in the literal sense of the word...).

I think you've been ruffled by what you read as my equating anorexia with CR. I can understand why that would upset you. I don't believe they are the same. As I noted above, the thought processes and justifications are opposing. Furthermore, I'm sure you are a great deal healthier than an anorexic. But, to me, they both seem to be eating disorders. That's the only way I would equate the two. I would tend to label CR as "disorder" because it seems to me, and clearly I could be wrong, that CR-followers can't stop what they are doing. It seems that once a person really turns to a CR lifestyle it becomes a drug of necessity. Now an overeater functions in the same way. Binging... they can't stop doing it. Anorexics are the same: they seem to crave the control etc. They can't stop. Isn't that the definition of disorder? You claim that you get "wiggy" if you break your calorie count for the day. It is a very unforgiving way of life, I think. If you were to discover that CR wasn't as beneficial to your health as you had at one time believed it to be -- would you be able to stop? Would your life suddenly be alot less meaningful? Would you regret the way you've lived? I'm only asking these questions out of curiousity, not as a means of leveling an attack at you.

In closing, my problem with the CR belief structure as I see it, I believe, is that at the end of the day, the goal (in the extreme and purely theoretical form) seems to be to basically achieve immortality. That is not an endgame I can get behind. I suppose you could call CR a new-age religion in that sense. It seems to be the result of an excessive fear of death. But perhaps you can change my mind, if you are so inclined to respond.

Posted by: Jackie at September 25, 2007 2:31 PM

Jackie,

Again, your comment shows that you haven't had time to look into the matter fully.

Lots of people go on and off CR... I've done so! But I find that I *feel* better, day to day, if I am doing proper CR. That's just how I feel... physically and mentally. Others may differ.

See Erin's comments above re: bank accounting. I wish I were as careful with my credit card as I am with what I put into my body! But then again, health is more valuable than money, isn't it? I do pretty well... I spend healthily, as you would no doubt say, and I'm not in any debt. But I'd like to be more mindful there too, and to save more and have more put away for retirement. Planning ahead is good!

Frankly, who are you to say that I eat *too* mindfully. Too mindfully for whom? For you, or for me? No one is trying to get you to do CR. I have tried both ways, and many varaitions, several times. I know what works for me. I suppose I could say I'm sorry if that bothers you, but I'm not. It's not my problem if it bothers you: it's yours.

I think that "obsessive" is a meaningless term. Do I display any of the classic behaviors of an obsessive compulsive in my relationship to food? No, I don't. Do I find that my eating habits get in the way of doing other things I want to do? No... actually, they facilite doing other things I want to do. Like feeling well and having energy and looking great in anything I put on.

If you had gathered a bit more information, you would be aware that no one thinks that CR will be a gate to immortality. At best it may slow the aging process a bit. At worst, it decreases our risk of disease and improves our health and quality of life in the here and now.

For me, I spend a lot less energy practicing CR than I spent worrying about my weight before I started CR. It takes a lot less time to just feel good in one's skin. I feel good in my body, and I go about the rest of my life. My job is so demanding that trust me, I don't have a lot of time on my hands.

You write:

"Furthermore, I'm sure you are a great deal healthier than an anorexic. But, to me, they both seem to be eating disorders. That's the only way I would equate the two. I would tend to label CR as "disorder" because it seems to me, and clearly I could be wrong, that CR-followers can't stop what they are doing. It seems that once a person really turns to a CR lifestyle it becomes a drug of necessity. Now an overeater functions in the same way. Binging... they can't stop doing it. Anorexics are the same: they seem to crave the control etc. They can't stop. Isn't that the definition of disorder? You claim that you get "wiggy" if you break your calorie count for the day. It is a very unforgiving way of life, I think. If you were to discover that CR wasn't as beneficial to your health as you had at one time believed it to be -- would you be able to stop? Would your life suddenly be alot less meaningful? Would you regret the way you've lived? I'm only asking these questions out of curiousity, not as a means of leveling an attack at you."

As I said, it's clear that you haven't done much investigation into the topic which is fine... you're still welcome to write in! But you're wrong: many CR folks go off and on or to different levels based on evolving scientific evidence and their own personal priorities. If I were to find that CR would not extend life in humans, I would probably stay where I am now (very moderate CR) but not attempt to go any further. I feel better when I'm eating better: it's just a fact for me. When my body is in a state of optimal health, not dive-bombed with excess calories, I feel fantastic. So why would I want to give that up? But I probably wouldn't go any lower in my calories, I'd stay as is rather than trying to go lower.

I want to feel, when I'm forty, as good as I do now. I want to be able to function, when I'm sixty, as well as I do now. I want to be alive and well when I'm 80 and 90 and 100. At the moment, calorie restriction is the only intervention that has slowed biological aging in mammals. I hope that eventually other, biomedical advances will become available. Hence my support for SENS research, the Mprize, and my partner, whose dinner I cook so he can write about said research.

If I found out now that CR wouldn't increase lifespan, I wouldn't regret for a minute the way I've lived. Because for me (and this is what you don't seem to be able to understand) it's no sacrifice. I eat well, I pay attention, sometimes I go out or eat a dessert and I enjoy it without guilt because I'm no longer living in the pathetic negative feedback loop that most women are stuck in where food = moral judgement. Food is just food. It's great, when it's great, and it can do great things, like nourish my body and provide me with sensual pleasures. But as you said, I eat to live, I don't live to eat. Food is a great part of life, but only one of many parts. And I'm not willing to sacrifice my health for more cheeseburgers.

a

Posted by: april at September 25, 2007 4:03 PM

And here is where you come in, dear readers. See if you can find more pieces I've written on the difference between CR and anorexia... and email me the links so I can improve this page!

Thanks, as always!

Posted by april at 11:13 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

September 28, 2007

Waste Not!

Yesterday we had a pre-meeting at noon before negotiations in Scranton started at 1, so there wasn't a logical time for lunch. Edward called me while I was driving up and asked me to ask Lisa (interesting how we always very carefully honor the chain of command: I am Lisa's boss, so he doesn't direct her, he asks me to call her.) to pick up "a vegetable tray, some hummus, a fruit tray, and other healthy snacks) for the twenty-five people on the committee. She did so, but the store had no veggie tray, so she got chips and crackers and hummus instead. I decided not to take any chances so I ate my South Beach Diet emergency backup bar that I've been keeping in my purse for just such an occasion. Then I sat in traffic in construction for so long that I got really thirsty and just drank the eight oz of milk that MR had packed me to mix with my whey protein later.

When I got to the meeting, there was another group having a luncheon across the hall. Their food smelled really good.

Then they left.

Then we took a break, right before management was going to come in to start the negotiations.

Then Edward said to me, as we were standing in the doorway, "Look in the next room. There's free vegetables."

So I did, and sure enough, the other party was gone, and left HUGE amounts of leftovers on the buffet. Tons of steamed veggies, salad veggies too, pasta, chicken, beef, enough for twenty.

I got a small plate of steamed veggies and ate it, keeping a lookout for hotel staff who might disapprove of me eating the leftovers from the other group.

Then Edward made an announcement to the entire committee: "There's free food in the next room, go for it!"

Twenty hungry nurses filed into the other conference room and raided the buffet.

It's sad to think of how much hotel and restaurant food goes to waste every day. It was good to see the leftovers find a good home for once.

I have a meeting at 11 up here, then I'm heading back home for what I hope will be a quiet weekend at home. I feel like cooking, and cuddling, and even a bit like cleaning.

And this weekend, I finally get to decorate for Halloween!

Posted by april at 6:32 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

September 24, 2007

And While We're Having This Hop Down Memory Lane...

I glanced at one of the comments from the Salon.com article era, and my response. Most of you wouldn't have read it because it was buried deep in comments, so here it is, if you feel like reading:

Curious asks:

So, what do you plan to do with this supposedly extended lifespan of yours, other than enjoy sexual pleasure? Are you working to make the world better, or is this an exercise in selfish self-control that only the wealthy (and those with time on their hands) can afford? What do you do in your daily life that will make this purported "extra time", if you actually achieve it, worth it? Why, when justifying this choice, do you and your compatriots talk about "having fun" instead of using the time to work at effecting positive changes in the world? Is a 125-year life of pleasure better than a 75-year life of duty and selflessness? Why are no CR people using their time to work in Third World countries, fighting against poverty and disease? I'm genuinely curious of your thoughts on this.

And I answered:

Well, I'm a union organizer. I've dedicated my entire adult life (eleven years) to helping workers get power on the job and improve the standard of living for themselves and their families. I've helped people get health insurance for their same-sex partners, helped nurses get protection from being fired for speaking up for the quality of patient care, and secured decent pensions for workers who spend their entire lives caring for others and then had to retire into poverty. Those are just a few highlights.

I plan to keep doing more of the same. When I first started CR, a large part of my motivation was the belief that to see the change to a country that is more fair, just, and economically equitable, I'd have to live a very long time. Things are improving, but it's a long road. My CR practice helps me work the 80+ hour weeks that I have to work to help workers make the improvements they need on their jobs.

I have spent the last eleven years fighting the capitalist system that makes the rich richer and the poor poorer. I plan to keep on doing that, and it's going to take awhile.

Here's what I don't get: why does this commenter, and many other naysayers, including this pundit on salon.com, assume that those of us who are doing CR are doing nothing worthwhile with our lives?

I am not one of those people who sits comfortably in an ivory tower thinking about the problems of our world. I spent my twenties, while my friends were either making tons of money as corporate lawyers or having fun "finding themselves" in all sorts of exotic places, working. Working to help the working class in America get some power and improve their lives. Working day and night, weekdays and weekends, holidays and all, to make sure that health care workers had a voice on their jobs. And I continue to this day. I don't take summer vacations, I don't get to be home for dinner most nights, I don't get weekends off, all because I care more about changing the political economy of this country than I care about leading a "normal" middle class life. So no, I am not leading a life of idleness and vegetable chopping.

Because I do CR, I have more energy, more mental focus, and more general health. That makes me better at my work. I take fewer sick days. I require less health care. I need no medications. I am at very low risk for the diseases that disable and kill most Americans. My footprint on the world is lighter than that of someone who eats all her or she can possibly consume.

But what if I didn't do something particularly selfless or useful? What if, for example, I were a professional poker player? Would you prefer that I eat more and land in the ICU at age 65? That doesn't make any sense. Do those of us who actively choose not to destroy our health have to justify this with good works? Can't it just be enough that we don't choose to overconsume?

The commenter describes CR as a "selfish exercise in self-control." Now why is that? What is selfish about self control? Are we supposed to infer that eating more is less selfish? To me, it seems that eating more than one's body needs is quite selfish indeed, for not only are you consuming food resources, you are also setting yourself to consumer more scarce health care resources a few years down the road.

I refer to the pleasure of sex because I think it's something my readers can relate to. The sublime pleasure of watching a worker's face when she realizes that due to this union contract, for the first time, she will have health insurance for her partner's children, is definitely worth living for. But most of my readers have not experienced the joy of union organizing, and most of my readers have experienced the joy of sex. I pick my analogies based on what I think will be most widely understood. However, I've written about my work enough times that I'm surprised that long term readers don't remember.

The real question should be: why does anyone think that his or her life is so lacking in value that it is worth trading a few years of life and health for a cheeseburger?

I believe that every human being has intrinsic worth. I believe that health care should be for all, and that quality food, not just what the food industry finds it cheap and convenient to market to us, should be available to all. To me, every pre-mature death caused by the diseases of obesity is a tragedy. And every moment wasted in body-hatred and obesity induced disability is a loss to all of humanity, not just to those who suffer most directly. There are many things we can not control, but what we put in our mouths (unless we are in prison or disabled to the point of being dependent on the care of others) is up to us. I believe that people should have access to information that gives them the power to make choices about their health. I know, it's weird.

I believe that every life is worth living. Do you disagree?

Posted by april at 8:26 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

You Can't Have This: You're CR Girl!

That what my friend said somewhat ironically as he split a Starbucks macadamia nut cookie with our third friend. Ironically because he's split cookies with me several times: I just look up the calories online and count accordingly.

The fact is, there's no forbidden food on CR, but you do have to calculate how much you want x, y or z vs. how much you want to give up in other areas. It takes some decision making. Yes, taking responsibility for our own choices instead of having our diets dictated by the marketing we come into contact with. So radical, I know.

Anyhow, it's Monday and I'm not sure why I was surprised that Susie led a movement to go out to lunch. Luckily, Edward drove straight to Ruby Tuesday's, where we all got the salad bar and the two of them got a White Bean Chicken chili (210 cals, I think... it was on their old calorie-controlled menu.) I put about a cup of cottage cheese (there's is lowfat, I've asked) on my salad of romaine, cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes, onions, and broccoli, plus olives, chickpeas, and vinegar for dressing. Earlier in the day I'd had a MacIntosh apple from the stash on my conference table (my attempt to provide sweet treats to my co-workers that compete with the M&Ms in our accountant's office) and 12 g almonds.

After lunch we popped by Starbucks, and my co-workers got a cookie to go with their coffee, while I stuck with my coffee, black. I can honestly say I didn't feel deprived. Sometimes I crave sweets... not so much lately though. MR made me up some of my favorite jellos so if I crave sweet, I can have it at home.

I'll go home to my salad and yogurt and nice glass of French red. I'll hit the gym on the way home and do a good 30 minutes on the treadmill... that's in addition to my 45 min Pilates class this morning. I find the exercise keeps me sane in times of stress.

We're heading into a big time of stress. With two contracts to negotiate, and the holidays coming on, I think we're all on edge. I felt a little fit of sadness coming on late last week, and wondered if it might be the one year anniversary of that New York Mag piece coming up that had set me off. I'm very attuned to seasonal things, anniversaries, etc. But I worked out a ton over the weekend and felt better. I can't be responsible for other people's feelings, just my own. And I can work very hard to take responsibility for myself... a concept that is rather alien in our culture.

Funny how I sometimes find myself sounding like a Neo-con. All this talk of personal responsibility. Yet when by accident, not by design, you become a big screen onto which people project their own issues and insecurities, it makes you start to wonder. I don't have a lot of conclusions, and I try very hard to reserve judgement. It seems to me that 90% of the errors we make come from thinking we know what other people are thinking, when we don't. Most people can't truly empathize with others at all... so attempting to understand why someone says or does one thing or another is pointless at best, and harmful at worst. I have no idea, in the end, why the snarky journalists and negative or even threatening commeneters are the way they are. It's better not to wonder. I think it's time to put that year behind me, and go on with doing the things that matter most to me: organizing nurses and supporting MR as he works on a cure for aging and taking good care of the people and cats I love.

I don't really see myself doing any more media for a long, long time. I've developed a phobia of journalists, and these days can only talk to Allswellinhell and David Martin, the wonderful producer for Sanjay Gupta who stole my heart when he put a long shot of Kieffer the tabby cat in the Chasing Life documentary. Oh, and when he actually researched the science and knew what he was talking about.

I'm not going to say the media stuff was a waste of time or energy: all of you who came to healthier habits and/or became my friends because of it make it all more than worth the trials. But I seem to still feel very weary. I think it's anger mixed with resignation that eventually just turns you exhausted. Two ridiculous articles on the Rudd Center blog, home of my idol, Kelly Brownell, accusing us of having an eating disorder (by people who by their own admission have no training in diagnosing such disorders, and have never spoken to us.) Thanksgiving ruined by a nasty article in Salon.com by someone who's never met us. What would have I have done without Allswell and Robin and Lindsay and Deborah, and all my CR blogger friends... and of course MR? Crawled into a cave, no doubt.

I've got 50 nurses to call tonight, the house to finish vacuuming, groceries to buy, the treadmill to hit, dinner to cook, and a long life in front of me. Every time I look at the nurses I've helped to organize, I know it's worth it. I wish I got to see you healthy happy people more often: I need to see you with my own eyes, share a cup of tea with you, not just read about you or know you're probably out there somewhere. Meeting hkgrace was so much fun! I wish I could meet Sara and we could toast our old calico kitties over bottles of expensive red wine, and eat just enough kale to survive on for a couple of days. Hanging out with Allswell in NYC was one of the highlights of my year... that girl is just amazing. She appeared as though on cue when I was at my worst, and she continues to entertain me nearly every day with email messages that are more eloquent than your average novel.

Heck, even arguing online with those who report ridiculously low calorie levels cheers me up!

I'm sure there's a subsection of readers out there who will say, "Look, you're sad! You're not always happy! Obviously, you should eat more!"

That's just stupid. Even CR girls get the blues. If one could obliterate the American snark media, that would cheer me right up. Till then, it's kale and yogurt and cottage cheese and flax oil and toasting the hope of a better day with good French reds in cute little glasses.

Living well, they say, is the best revenge.

And in my defense, Julian Dibbell was really, really gorgeous, especially when he was skinny. Not as gorgeous as my Orange One, of course, but for a guy who makes his living trading in commodities that don't exist, he knows how to keep it looking good.

But there I go, flirting with the media again.

Posted by april at 3:15 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 23, 2007

Actually, Not Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder

[Welcome to any new readers... and before you accuse me of being a size bigot because I will not assent to the thesis that all women have eating disorders, please read my entry Against Weight Bias.]

There is a most interesting blog called Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder that I enjoy reading from time to time. I agree with some of what the author says, and I disagree with other things. But I've found that over time, I get more and more annoyed about the title of the blog.

Now to be fair, I have to give the author tremendous credit for coming up with a catchy, controversial title that sticks in one's head. She's working on a book, and I suspect it is a book that will sell. Clearly, many women find food and body image to be an uncomfortable issue in their lives. No one sane would deny that. She's clearly hit a nerve with the title, and much of the content is insightful and interesting, whether you agree or not.

My thesis is pretty simple:

In the food environment in which we live, it is very difficult, and at times pretty near impossible, to be a woman with anything near normal genetics (hello, not Julia Roberts!) and maintain a healthy weight and body composition without going to a great deal of effort. When a normal breakfast meeting for work means catered trays of donuts, danishes, and bagels with cream cheese... when lunch out with colleagues means ordering off a menu filled with cream soups and pasta dishes... when a nice Friday night date means a steak, appetizer, dessert, and half a bottle of wine, or else you're "eating like a rabbit," or "You must be anorexic," it's hard for any normal women to eat "normally" without getting fat.

Add to that the fact that we work more hours than ever, often more then men in the very same job, while most of us have greater responsibilities for childcare, care of elderly or ill parents, and upkeep our our home than our male counterparts, so we don't have a ton of time or energy to devote to working out. Our jobs are mostly sedentary, and we're lucky if we get enough time to sleep, much less enough time to go to the gym. It's really, really hard to fight all these forces and maintain a healthy weight.

And let's face it: when we get fat, most of us feel like crap. I know I did. Having less energy, not liking the way you look in the mirror, being more susceptible to illnesses and knowing your risk of disease in later life is rising: that's just not fun. You don't have to be obsessed with thinness to know that being thin and fit feels better. Your definition of fit may vary: I know runners who don't feel fit unless they're running six miles a day, but there's no way I'd run that far unless a wild boar was chasing me. Our definitions of our own personal best can and do vary based on our own lifestyle choices and preferences, but I seriously doubt that there are many people out there who are truly happy with being obese. A few, to be sure. My point is that being happier in a body that is thin and healthy than one was in a body that was overweight and out of shape if not evidence of an eating disorder.

When women lack the tools, education, and resources to maintain a healthy weight through healthy means like eating well and exercising, it's easy for a negative feedback loop to start. The self-hatred, the blaming, the angry, guilty feelings that seem to lead to yet another binge. Some of us have been there, and it's not fun. That's where I think the idea that every woman has an eating disorder comes from: the observation that most women, when faced with the host of bad choices that our society presents us with, react by feeling pretty darned bad about our bodies and our food choices.

I find, however, that describing this situation as an epidemic of eating disorders pathologizes the individuals, while absolving society of the larger problem. The very same women who grow to obese weights when eating the standard American diet can easily maintain a healthy weight (not necessarily "skinny" but most of us grown up women don't want to be Kate Moss, we just want to look decent in our clothes and feel good when we get up in the morning) by eating lean proteins, lots of fruits and vegetables, and avoiding the processed junk that pervades the aisles of every regular grocery store and the menus of most every restaurant. To be sure, there are individuals with medical conditions that make it hard for them to maintain a healthy weight, but these folks are in the very small minority. Most of us can be healthy, and would be, I believe, were we to live in an environment that made it easier to choose healthy foods, where full information and education were available to all, and where physical activity was a part of every day life. Every woman does not have an eating disorder... but most women live in an obesogenic environment in which we will, if we do not take steps to the contrary, become overweight or obese.

That's why I like to focus on the steps we can take to the contrary, and especially those steps that are relatively painless, like learning what's in our food and making choices to get the most satisfaction from our food with smaller numbers of calories. Getting great nutrition is, for many people who've tried it, the key to feeling satisfied (in fact, feeling better than ever!) while eating (and weighing) much less than we ever did in our ad lib days. Even if I weren't interested in slowing my biological aging process, I'd still be glad to use the tools from the CR toolbox that have helped me get and stay thin with relatively little effort and no real sacrifice of pleasure in life. Anyone who's eaten a meal with me can tell you that I enjoy my food with a lust that rivals a teenage boy looking at Playboy... I just know how to balance my total calories now so that I stay at the level where I'm comfortable... about 20 pounds lighter than I ever was in my adult life before CR. As Elton John would say (and now you'll have the song in your head all day!) "It's no sacrifice at all."

Of course, it took a lot of research to figure out the tricks and tools and techniques that I now use to maintain my moderate CR lifestyle. Before CR, I was unhappy with my body and dissatisfied with my food choices, but I didn't have an eating disorder: I had an information disorder! I didn't know what to eat because I didn't know enough about nutrition or about total calorie counts. Once I had the information, I could make better choices. It's still very hard to navigate around a food environment where high calorie, sugar laden, saturated fat loaded foods attack one on every corner and hotel desk, but it's possible.

More than anything, I think that my problem with the statement: "Every woman has an eating disorder," is that it pathologizes the very idea of being a woman. It sets up an expectation that a woman can not have a healthy relationship with food, so whatever relationship with food a woman may have, it must be unhealthy.

This is really freakin irksome to those of us who have fought hard to create a relationship with food and our body image that we can be at peace with. I know a lot of women who fall into this category, and we're downright annoyed at anyone who assumes that we must have an eating disorder simply because we are female. Whether we come at our relationship with food from the perspective of wanting to slow our aging process, or perhaps we are athletes who maintain a body at the peak of performance for our sport, or just a normal girl who has learned how to eat to feel her best, we know that it is possible to be in harmony with our bodies. Of course, some people will call us vain if we express that we are happy with our looks, but really, life is too short, no matter how radically extended, to entertain such criticism. In a world where most women hate their bodies, somebody's got to be a counterweight!

Being a woman does not equal having an eating disorder, and claiming that every woman has an eating disorder puts the blame on being a woman. I doubt that is the blog author's intent, but that's how the statement reads to me. It pathologizes the very idea of being a woman. How can we be healthy if we're born with an eating disorder? What's the point of trying to make good choices if we're doomed no matter what we do? Why not chuck it all and reach for a large order of fries? We can't help it... we're female! So we have no choice but to eat too much, exercise too little, and get old and sick much sooner than we really need to.

Uh, no thanks. I choose to exercise a little more power over my own food choices, and a little more power over my own life. I recognize that it's really, really hard, and I'm extremely supportive of efforts on the part of folks like Kelly Brownell to make our food environment more friendly to healthy choices. But I absolutely refuse to categorize all women as disordered, damaged people. It's not fair to those of us who don't have eating disorders. If we are to find a way that most women can live in harmony with our bodies, we must start with information, education, and a greater emphasis on making the food environment healthier, not with a thesis that every woman has an eating disorder. I don't have an eating disorder. A lot of my female friends don't have eating disorders. Yes, we are thin, and we are also healthy (with the blood work to prove it) and happy. Are we not women?

Posted by april at 1:49 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

September 21, 2007

She Walks Very Well

When we were in college, my roommate and I decided we were way too negative. So we decided that for a few days we would say nothing but positive things about other people.

We challenged ourselves to say something nice about a list of people.

When we got to the annoying girlfriend of one of our friends, my roommate said, "She walks very well. I've never seen her trip."

So it's rather ironic that early Friday morning, I was almost in tears with relief when I could say this about Philomena, my somewhere between 19 and 22 year old calico cat.

After a very long day of negotiations, a drive back from Scranton, a quick dinner, and an early night-night, I'd woken up at 2 am to find that Philomena was limping and unable to walk. Her back left leg seemed unable to bear weight.

Needless to say, I was terrified. I went to bed and the cat could walk. I wake up and the cat can't walk. She was dragging herself around on her other feet, then would collapse in exhaustion.

I picked up a comforter and blanket and set up camp in the hallway next to her. I brought her a bowl of water and a bowl of fresh cat food, which she drank and ate from a lying down position. She couldn't even get up to eat.

I petted her for hours. She purred, and then she'd fall asleep for awhile. She'd twich as she dreamed her little kitty dreams, and I lay staring at her with tears in my eyes hoping this wasn't to be one of our last nights together.

The cat takes a fall from time to time: being dizzy and disoriented is a symptom of her thyroid condition, and like any old organism, her bones are brittler than they used to be. I was so afraid that if she had a break, it couldn't be set without surgery, and I doubt this cat would survive surgery. She's just so old. She's on fluids for kidney disease and meds for thyroid. She's a bit demented and never knows exactly where her food is until we point it out. But she's the sweetest girl in the world, would rather pet than eat, and loves to cuddle all the time.

By morning she was doing better, and I finally slept for about half an hour while she slept. At eight o'clock sharp I phoned the vet and they said they could see us at 9:40.

I phoned Edward and told him I was taking a vacation day to care for my kitty. Not a problem.

By 8:30, she was walking again.

By 9, she was doing well enough to run from me when I tried to get her into the carrier.

Yes, whatever was wrong with the cat mysteriously disappeared by morning. She was walking and jumping just fine. However, it's very good that we took her to the vet, because apparently older and hyperthyroid cats have claws that grow very fast and very hard, and hers were overgrown, causing some problems with her balance that could contribute to falls. One was grown into her paw pad, causing much discomfort, no doubt. So they trimmed her claws, fixed up her paw pad, took her labs, and gave her a bit dose of sub-q fluids. She was exhausted but feeling fine by the time she got home, and she's been eating ravenously ever since.

Looks like Philo will make it a little while longer. Yea!

I know she's just a cat, but I love her so much. She's my little baby, and while I recognize she can't be with us much longer, I cherish every moment we get to pet and purr.

Since she was fine, I went out with my two good friends last night. We hit Tria, so the trio re-united at Tria. It's a great wine bar with five ounce pours and little tiny appetizers. We shared a bunch and drank some excellent French reds. It was great to catch up with my friends.

Today was a light day, since I ate out last night. Hitting 1200 by the end of the day with way over the RDA of calcium thanks to cottage cheese, yogurt, and three slices of nonfat cheese. For dinner we ate collard green salads with raw collard greens topped with a variety of ingredients. I accidentally bought collards instead of turnip greens, so I had to use them up somehow. I actually really like them raw, and enjoy them on a salad. MR liked them too. I made him a huge salad with collards, Quorn, steamed zucchini and asparagus, shiitake mushrooms, eggwhites, Walden Farms Caesar dressing, red wine vinegar, tarragon vinegar, garlic, and Worsterschire sauce. Plus two teaspoons of oil: flax and olive, and a ricotta/hazelnut parfait on the side for dessert with Walden Farms chocolate sauce. I just had collards with cottage cheese, salsa and flax oil. Light dinner for a light day. Two glasses of an excellent French red.

I'm still so tired from the week, but somehow managed to address some of the housework. Cleaned the bathroom, figured out how to change the filter on the vacuum, and tidied up the living room a bit. The kitchen scrub and laundry await tomorrow. There's never enough time in the weekend, is there?

Next week will be very, very busy. Meetings, negotiations, MR has an interview with the Washington Post in DC. I'm tired just thinking about it. But for now I'm going to cuddle up with my kitty and be glad to be alive.

Posted by april at 8:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 20, 2007

5 am

Here is the truth at the heart of the matter, dear bloggiefriends.

If I don't drag myself out of bed at 5 am and go to the gym, I only work out 3 - 4 times per week. Something always comes up: I have to run hither and yon, the phone always starts ringing at 7 with nurses with crises, and work + housework + family stuff but mostly work consumes my life.

But nothing happens at 5. Other than MR making a salad, which he doesn't need me for, and sleep.

So here is the fact: I must just get up and do it.

Even if I don't feel like it. Even when I'm exhausted. I always feel better when I work out, even when it's just 30 mins on the treadmill. My whole day goes better. It's like I'm sending a secret code to my body that says, "We are a healthy body. We do other healthy things, like eat right and sleep well and say no to an extra glass of wine."

When I get up at five and work out straight away, I always have a great day. Coincidence? Maybe. But an experiment worth producing. I've already experimented with the half-hearted "I'll fit in a workout at some point" approach. No go. Not good.

I am so tired now. We had an amazing day in negotiations. First negotiations on my Scranton campaign, which I just love. Edward was awesome, as always, and our nurses are so smart and so sophisticated. They just get it in a very profound way. I love each and every one of them. And on Wednesay I met with the nurse anesthetists, who have a very complicated job that involves more education than an RN. They do most of the anesthesia at this hospital. It's such a high stress, intense job. Of course I love them because they're very intense, focused, forceful personalities. As you might imagine, I like that sort of thing.

Tomorrow I need to leave at seven-ish to get to a meeting in New Jersey. But I'm going to go to the gym BEFOREHAND! Because I know if I don't the day will get away. Then tomorrow afternoon I'm seeing VLC for the first time in ages! I'm so excited! It's going to be a reunion: VLC and my other best friend, the former clique of three, finally meeting at our favorite wine bar for the first time in a year and a half!

God save me from the cheese plate.

Posted by april at 8:13 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Keep the Kitty Best Friends Together!

First, donate to the Mprize so that we can end the needless suffering of aging, disease and death. If you have questions about why you should donate, or how your donation will be useful, please read MR's piece on why he joined the Three Hundred.

But if you've already done that, read the story of these lions and tigers who have lived their entire life together, albeit in horrible conditions, and who can only stay together if Big Cat Rescue can support them for the rest of their lives.

I'm sure you all have many causes that you support. These kitties are my thing, other than CR (join the CR Society!), the Methuselah Foundation, and of course, the labor movement. So if you love kitties too, take a second to read about the big kitty best friends and see if you feel like helping them.

Posted by april at 7:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 19, 2007

Kerfuffi

Dear readers,

I'm sorry I've been away.

My job has caused a series of kerfuffi (nothing unusual there!) and I haven't had time to write.

I do plan to answer your questions forthwith.

In the meantime, read the most amazing piece of writing by my angel MR in memory of my grandfather who as you know passed away a few weeks ago:

a

Posted by april at 7:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 17, 2007

The Leftist Pizza Resistance Movement

Or: Don't leave the meeting without your lunch.

Do you ever have a Monday morning when you just don't want to get up? I woke up today a little before five and I was SORE! It occurred to me that doing 50 mins on the treadmill followed by weights when I'd barely worked out in a week might have been a tad over-zealous. So I stayed in bed, till I started thinking about bills I needed to pay. Then I got up and paid said bills online, and started getting ready for work.

I knew the gym wasn't going to happen so I just let it go.

Got to work, had wild and crazy day (what's new???) and went to negotiations. Rode over with Edward, the most amazing contract negotiator who ever lived. Working with Edward is like living with MR: I spend every day understanding that I am in the presence of perfection. I can whine about it, or I can just try to learn from the master. Luckily, Edward gives me just as much respect about my organizing as I give him about his negotiating skill. Makes me feel better. But sometimes I am just so in awe of him that I want to sacrifice burnt offerings, or at least hand him a Diet Pepsi when he's doing a meeting and he's really thirsty but can't stop to pour himself something. It's the least I can do.

We had ordered lunch for our committee to arrive at 1:30, and while my preferred lunch feeding time is earlier, I thought I'd wait till lunch arrived and eat the lunch I'd brought (quotidian salad, cottage cheese, almonds) with the committee when their food arrived.

At 1:15 Susie walked out to gather the food and I followed her to help.

At 1:30 we started waiting for the negotiations to take a break, since we didn't want to barge in and interrupt.

At 1:45 I had to scare away an aggressive cockroach who made a run at us... the joys of negotiating in a hospital basement.

At 2, we were dying of starvation and started to pick at a grilled chicken Caesar salad. We both ignored the dressing, Susie ate most of the chicken, I ate a bite of chicken and proceeded to mainline Romaine lettuce. My lunch, mind you, was locked in the negotiations room; Susie and I were sitting outside.

We were sitting there with three full, hot pizzas from one of the best pizza shops in Philly. Susie has been watching her calories and has lost about 10 pounds... she looks awesome. We kept talking each other out of eating the pizza.

At one point she even opened the box and looked at it. "Don't do it, dude," I said. And we resisted. Social support is so good... the two of us together can wait to eat our healthy lunch. Separately, or with a bad influence instead of good, we might have gorged on pizza.

At 2:30 they finally called a break. I put Edward's sandwich in his hand cause I knew he was getting hungry and grumpy. Susie and I ate our salads.

Finally I got home close to dinner time and ate a wonderful soup that MR made for me of shiitake mushrooms, scallions, and shirataki noodles and flax oil. I had so many noodles that I am over stuffed! Two glasses of a wonderful dry French rose... perfect for the last days of summer, before it goes fall and red wine only.

Still many thoughts from California... and very happy that my angel is home at last. Tomorrow morning I have to hit the gym early cause we have a staff meeting first thing. So I'll find a way to drag myself out of bed shortly after five. It's the only way I can reliably work out.

Got a call from VLC today that she'll be in town Friday, so we're going to meet up for a CR-friendly dinner! Yea!

Social issues and CR will never cease to be difficult. But it's so much easier when the people I spend my time with are on program. We have so much fun together, whether we're organizing, negotiating, resisting the pizza or sampling California wine. I want us all to be together for a long, long time.

Posted by april at 7:38 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

September 16, 2007

Weekend

Very good. Finally got some sleep. Had a wonderful time with Hilary Grace, who is a ton of fun... I came close to offering her a job organizing, but she's clearly happy in her field of education. We found a great new tea shop and had some very yummy tea with her carefully concealed sucralose. It's so much fun to geek out with a fellow CR girl!

Today I spent over an hour at the gym, hitting the treadmill hard and doing some weights. Spent a lot of time cooking: at lunch I made a dish so big that even MR had trouble getting through it. Tonight was tofu night: yellow tomatoes, silken light tofu, veggie broth with lite soy sauce and garlic. Big sides for MR: nonfat ricotta with Walden Farm's chocolate sauce, broccoli steamed with lemon, and a big salad of raw collard greens with cauliflower and Walden Farm's tomato basil dressing. I had a side of cottage cheese with flax and Carolina Treet.

I have somehow managed to neglect all of the housecleaning. All of it. I suspect that tomorrow morning I'll clean the bathroom... I tend to do that on Monday mornings. Something about leaving for work on Monday with a not clean bathroom gets to me.

This week will be super busy, and I'm just barely getting over my last episode of travelling. Tomorrow is negotiations at the older of our twins, then Tuesday we have big staff meetings, then Wednesay I head to Scranton, then Thursday we have first negotiations at the younger, bigger twin up in Scranton, then Friday I have an appointment in New Jersey also for work. I will no doubt be exhausted again by the end of the week. But at the moment I am feeling pretty good. I am just taking my good food along with me... I am so sick of eating out at this point. I ate a ton of kale today, including 100 g in Single Girl Salad at lunch with a cup of nonfat cottage cheese, 4 tbsps salsa verde and 31 g avocado. It was actually too much volume for me! MR can eat about five times the volume I can stuff into my tummy, yet we are so close to the same size. Weird. Yet I manage to eat plenty of calories, to be sure!

Kieffer the cat is now on the breakfast table, where he is not supposed to be. He obeys his father, but not me. I am a very lax kitty mommy... I let him do whatever he wants. MR introduced some discipline into his life, and of course the cat adores MR. He was bereft when MR left for SENS. "Where is my daddy?" he meowed. Poor MR never had any idea he'd become a full-time cat sitter. We don't CR the cats because he doesn't *want* them to live longer.

Okay, off to bed. Just got email that my other half of running the organization is coming in at 8 so I want to get to the gym at 5 or so, shower, eat, clean the bathroom, wash out cat dishes, and get to the office before 8...

Posted by april at 6:49 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

September 15, 2007

Sungold

The thought of organic Vermont sungold tomatoes from my friends David and Rachel's Full Moon Farm sometimes brings tears to my eyes.

You can't imagine how great these tomatoes are. They're so sweet, so gold, so sunny, so tomato-y, yet they aren't like store bought tomatoes at all. I love them. I used to eat up to six pints a week. And I'd make salsa, gazpacho, all kinds of tomato-based dishes out of them.
They're definitely the best I've ever had, and I'd strongly recommend that you get some if you're in Vermont in the summer. Go to the Burlington Farmers' Market, right downtown on Saturday mornings, and check out David and Rachel's farm stand.

Wait, you don't like tomatoes? Okay, well then you should ignore all that. Clearly, you wouldn't find that sungolds rock your world.

You see, there's a very big difference between liking something, even loving something with a great passion, and thinking that everyone should consume/practice/love it.

Yvonne writes:

April, I struggle with comments like your message to Garry ("No one is trying to convert people to CR"). You have done media about CR (I found your blog via Julian Dibbell's New York Times Magazine piece), you maintain this blog, you say that doing CR brings you euphoria comparable to drug use, you publicly flog yourself whenever you stray off the path (and share with us your plans to help yourself do better next time), you refer to almost all 'normal' food as 'gak,' you see 'gak' everywhere and assert that the culture conspires to get us to eat it (and I'm not saying you're wrong about that!), you assert that you are often subtly persecuted for your "public displays of health," *and* you repeatedly share your belief that in doing CR, you are slowing your aging process and giving yourself a shot at "escape velocity." When people question you about the value, accuracy, wisdom, or likely results of any of this, you accuse them of "not being willing to do the work...and [convincing] themselves that the thing [extended lifespan] is not worth having."

In that context, your protestations that you're not prosyletizing are a little shaky. The fact is, you're witnessing to us, plain and simple. And that's great! Don't be ashamed to be evangelical about CR. Lord knows plenty of people are out there being evangelical about much stupider stuff. But please recognize yourself as an evangelist, and don't act all "I don't know what's wrong with *you*, Garry" when people push back at your values. You clearly feel the world would be a better place if more people *did* do CR; I've read posts where you mourn for all the non-CR people and wish you could make them see the light. In that context, you can't take offense when someone comes back with a good strong "I totally disagree." Saying "But I never *asked* you to agree!" is kind of nonsensical. You make strong assertions which invite debate. Crying foul when people then debate you is a little unfair.

I do think your faith (because that's what it is) is very fragile, and I wish for your own sake that you would explore your abhorrence of aging and death. *I am not asking you to just "give up."* Only to look at your feelings.

To be honest, Yvonne, I don't care if you (or anyone else I've never met) do CR or not. And I'd urge you to look at why it bugs you so much that I do, in fact, do CR. Do you really think I haven't thought seriously about the topic of aging and death? I've thought about it a lot... and decided I'd rather do what I can to make myself healthier, even if that takes some work. It does, as it turns out, take a lot of work, and discipline, and that's not always easy. But since I strongly believe in acting in ways that bring me closer to my goals, I'm willing to work toward my goals, even when it's hard. It's a constantly evolving process... just like most things in life to which one pays conscious attention. I make a lot of mistakes... I'm not a robot. And I'm sure Emi would tell us that getting robots to stop making mistakes is a non-trivial task. The fact that I'm not perfect in my CR doesn't dissuade me from trying at all, any more than the fact that I made a lot of mistakes as a young organizer didn't dissuade me from attempting to help workers organize. Sure enough, I got better. I seem to get better with my CR over time too. I'm lucky that I started as young as I did, and the medical tests of those older than I am seem to indicate that I will enjoy many health benefits, even from my more moderate CR practice but more as I get more serious.

Why is that such an issue for you? Clearly you are intrigued by the topic, else you wouldn't keep reading. But something about the idea of people doing CR bothers you. You seem very nice and very genuinely concerned... and I thank you for that. You've always been an extremely pleasant commenter. Yet you seem to have a serious problem with either me or my CR practice, or both.

Would you really be happier if I ate more, or paid less attention to my nutrition? Do you think I would be happier? Having tried both ways, I can tell you that I am actually happier when doing serious CR. So why would you (clearly) prefer that I not do that?

I've done media about CR because I was asked to, and because if someone is interested in doing CR (for their own reasons) I'm happy to help. But for all of those not interested in doing CR, with the very small exception of about three people I personally know, I don't care! Make your own choices, and take responsibility for them. I am happy when the information I've learned helps others to achive their goals, where that be a modest weight loss, an improvement in health due to good nutrition, or even full-blown CR (in rare cases... hello Matt and Robin and Ashley and Deborah and others!) But I'm not doing this because I want masses of people to do CR. They won't and it won't help me at all if they did.

In retrospect, almost a year from that Julian Dibbell article in New York Magazine, I am not sure it was a good idea to do the media. If I had been a reader of NY Mag, I might have realized that it would be snark, not science. But Julian was quite charming, and was a friend of a good friend of mine from high school, so I was not on my guard. Overall, the article was good, in fact overwhelmingly positive about the possibilities of CR actually leading to a slowing of aging. It was the cultural stuff that painted a big old target on us... all Julian's talk about feeling self-righteous while doing CR. But the issues of feeling self-righteous and such were Julian's, not ours. The fact that he pinned them on us, instead of owning them as his own feelings hurt us. It made people think that we do CR to make them feel bad. And we don't.

Don't get me wrong... I like Julian Dibbell a lot. I probably would have been a lot less upset about the article if I didn't like him personally. I have tremendous respect for his work, which I have now read a lot of. But I think he took a rather cheap way out in the NY Mag article... and it caused an avalanche of negative, even threatening messages in the blog and in the blogosphere.

I met Hilary today, and during our wonderful chat she mentioned that she found my blog due to the NY Mag article... many other now good friends found us this way. And that makes me happy. But the entire kerfuffle of media appearances is something I no longer put myself through... I turned down two this week. I'm not saying I'll never do CR-related media again, but I definitely never sought it out, and I've been avoiding it for some time now. I had no idea what negativity would be focused on us as a result of that article. Silly of me not to see it coming, I'll admit. But I'm tired of it... I didn't start the blog to convice people to do CR, I started it to a) attract MR b) keep me more on track with my own CR. Over time it's helped some people, and that's great. But my intention was never to convert the masses to CR. I'm way too busy organizing in my real job to try anything like that, and it would a major waste of time were that my aim.

So why does CR just bug some people so much? Wait, I sponsored an entire essay contest on that subject, and Allswellinhell won! The prize was pretty small: two glasses of wine in New York and some pictures of us weighing Inositol powder on a accurate to the tenth of a gram scale in a bar in NYC. But still.

I find it dangerous ground to speculate on the psychology of those I know, and more so those I've never met, so I won't. But I urge those who have such a terrible problem with the idea that some people restrict their calories to examine their own motivations. What is it about my choices that causes you so much grief?

If I sound a bit annoyed and a bit sharp, it's because I'm tired of this well-worn path. Whether it's nice commenters or trolls, I've been through these kinds of comments so many times that I'm losing my patience. I could just ignore them, but that seems to give some sort of credibility to their argument. And I keep hoping, which is no doubt foolish, that through rational arguments I will eventually convince people that while my choices may not be the same as theirs, that they are reasonable choices that work for me.

I guess the best I can do is say, as my old friend Selena is fond of saying, "You do you. I'll do me."

Meanwhile, onto something we can do something about. Garry writes:

April, I like your blog and think you write well. It's ejoyable to read, even for those who don't do CR. I have a question for you (if you want to answer it): if you think CR can help reverse the aging process, what does it mean if the majority of people can't do it? Why do you think you can do CR when most can't? After all, everyone fears aging, suffering and death. Maybe you've already covered this; I haven't read your entire blog. Anyway, keep up the good work - with CR (since you believe in it) and with the blog. Not everyone could make CR as interesting as you do when you write about it on a daily basis. I think it's because you also write about your life, your human feelings and human flaws, as well. I admire your honesty. So, if I comment sometimes, it's not out of spite or hate (or, I don't mean it to be or come across that way).

Hi Garry... thank you for your kind words! You have indeed come a long way from the days when you called me an obnoxious moralizing woman. I enjoy your comments, and I appreciate your contributions to our discussion here. Please do keep them coming!

Two things (in answer to your question):

I don't think CR can reverse the aging process, I think it might be able to slow the aging process. For technologies that may eventually be able to reverse the aging process, read The Book or check out the SENS website. And I don't think that most people *couldn't* do CR, I think that most people *won't* do CR because they have other priorities that take precedence. That's different. I think I can because a) I've done it before b) I live with someone who does c) I have a lot of advantages, like an already pretty highly self-disciplined personality, and a computer. And a decent organic section at the local Giant food store. It's not that people couldn't, it that they choose not to. Sure, some people couldn't, especially those who can't access a decent food store or a computer with nutriitonal software. But there are a whole lot of people out there who would rather pay for cable TV and put their time into watching it than pay for vegetables and put their time into chopping them. That's a choice of priorities, not an act of God. I'd prefer that folks just say, "I choose to do other things with my time," than say "Those CR folks spend too much time weighing and chopping vegetables." It's really not my business how they spend their time... but if people are going to criticize me (directly, in the media or on blog) I think it's fair that I note that most folks aren't busy negotiating peace in the Middle East or volunteering for Habitat for Humanity with all the time they save by eating fast food instead of making a salad.

What I think about the fact that most people will not do CR: that we should invest our money into technologies that will eventually reverse the aging process for those who don't have the *whatever* to do CR, and even for those of us who do. Even the most wildly optimistic views of CR think it will buy us 10 - 20 years of youthful health, and that's not much. That's why I support the Mprize and SENS research.

What I also think: the pro-aging trance that MR and Aubrey write about is very powerful. People who think there's nothing they can do about aging create elaborate rationales about why aging is in fact necessary and perhaps even good. That makes a lot of sense... if there's no alternative. But if there is, in fact, an alternative, wouldn't that be better?

I urge all of you who think there's no other way to go read The Book. I've read most of it now, and it's quite readable and makes a lot of sense. Before you dismiss the prospect of living dramatically longer, due to biotech advances (not CR), give the book a read. Even if you only gain a few more hours of life due to the SENS research, you'll have made up your investment.

Posted by april at 4:02 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

September 14, 2007

theletter

yoputerisreallyessedup

yesitis

foronethespaebarnolongerseestowork

alsotheletterisdead

soistheperiod

soian'treallytype

looksliketheletterristoasttoo

sonotuhwritingforerightnow

willdothebestiantofigureoutawaytoakeyoputeworkagain

thankyouforyoursupportduringthisdiffiulttie

Posted by april at 1:23 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 11, 2007

My Queendom for A Megamuffin

I forgot to pack the South Beach Diet bars.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT, enter upon a ten hour flying day with no food.

Yesterday (which was more like two days because I was up for 26 hours straight) I ate:

-- eggwhite omlette in airport
-- "Chef" salad out of which I ate the meat, left the cheese, ate the lettuce and tomato
-- and then twelve hours later, at dinner time, California time, a very large dinner of shared cheese plate appetizer, shellfish stew (zinc!) and red wine.

Today, I was so full from dinner that I skipped breakfast. But by lunch I was starving, and it was a "bag lunch" because the nurses were going to a rally at the Capitol. I was meeting up with an old friend, the president of the Vermont nurses' union I organized in 02, but we kept getting our signals crossed so we were a bit late meeting up, and I missed lunch. So I ate a Special K protein bar (ugh, but best I could do) and now I am eagerly awaiting dinner.

The thing about attempting even vague CR on the road is that everything is so laden with gak of unknown calorie content that you basically have to a) not eat b) not eat much c) pack your own food and travel with your entire house on your back, snail style, as though you were a very skinny Nomad d) be hungry until you go out to a meal with colleagues where you do the best you can (footnote to Robin.)

I am at choice d right now, though not quite by choice. I am having a wonderful meeting, but I am so looking forward to coming home to the place where the most amazing man on earth kneels by my bed in the morning and feeds me my supplements, makes me my lunches, eats my food with gratitude, and snuggles me all night. Except when it's too hot, and then neither the cat nor I wish to snuggle.

Just two more sleeps till I'm home!

Posted by april at 7:30 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

September 9, 2007

Actually, I Do Want a New Washing Machine

Our washing machine, we discovered shortly after moving in, kinda sucks.

It's old, it has a habit of eating my clothes. It makes holes in sweaters and destroyed my favorite pair of underwear. It is rather clunky. I can't wash anything I really love in it, and I have to take extra care to handwash anything even vaguely delicate.

But I'm not willing to pay the price to buy a new, fancier washing machine, so I make do. It's just not in the budget. Sure, I could give up some wine or some going out to eat or things like that to save for a new washing machine, but I'm not willing to make the tradeoff. So I keep drinking my French wine and eating out with friends and rescuing my underwear before this damned washing machine eats it.

I've come to realize, as I've become wiser and more resigned to life in general, that washing machines eating underwear is just a part of life. It is immature of me to dream of a better washing machine... this is just how life is. Handwashing Victoria's Secret thongs is my lot in life. It's part of what it means to be human. There's nothing I can do about it, so I've accepted it.

Well, there's nothing I can do about it *that I am willing to pay the price for.*

I do a lot of praying for serenity on the topic. I consult others whose washing machines have eaten some of their favorite clothes for wisdom on how I can better accept my lot and find happiness even as my favorite pairs of underwear meet destruction at the hands (hands?) of this washing machine.

*Pause for reflection*

I don't mean to make fun of anyone. Well, only in a good natured way.

My point is (in case it's not obvious, but I think it is) is that sometimes when people want something, but aren't willing to pay the price, they convince themselves that the thing is not something worth having.

I'm not saying that anyone in particular is doing that. But to be quite honest (and a bit controversial, I know) that's a lot of what I hear when I read arguments against a) biomedical interventions into the aging process b) serious CR c) CR at all.

Try this thought experiment: if you were told that you had a serious form of cancer, and you had 6 weeks to live unless you undergo radical treatment, what would you do?

Throughout history, humans have been unsatisfied with the limits "nature" sets on human lifespan. That's why we have medicine! That's why we have antibiotics, and sanitation, and chemotherapy, and hip replacements, and braces! Well, maybe not braces. Do people die of bad teeth? I don't know, my teeth were fine. It's the only thing about my parents that got along: their teeth.

Aren't you dads out there happy that your child's mom didn't die in childbirth? Even just fifty or so years ago, a whole lot of women did. My grandfather lost his mom when he was only eleven: she died of "childbed fever." My grandmother, now ninety, nearly died after the birth of my uncle (now a dean at Duke University.)

As Gregg points out in the comments to the last entry, no one is going to live forever.

But when people express resignation to the prospect of aging and disease and disability and death, I really wonder why they've given up so easily.

I completely understand being unwilling to pay the price. Most people are unwilling to pay the price of even thinking about their food long enough to achieve a "healthy" weight, much less to do CR. Most people who have discretionary income would rather spend it on something else other than research that might find ways to reverse the aging process. Most people would rather watch TV, or go to a Phillies game.

There are some things in life that we have to accept. The fact that cats shed an unreasonable amount of fur, yet continue to regenerate said fur to fill the vacuum once again. The fact that horrible accidents happen, and that people die too young. I sometimes think about the fact that my best friend is likely to die way before I do. It makes me sad, really sad. But I have to accept his choices, and his parents' choice to have him twelve years before I was born so he's already at a disadvantage. I can only control my choices, not the choices of others.

But as they say in The Rules, "We can't control cancer or drunk drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialing his number."

My motto: "I may not be able to control cancer or drunk drivers, but I can keep my calories low and my nutrition high."

I am willing to pay the price. The rest is just niggling about the technicalities, and getting the system to work.

Now getting the system to work is a non-trivial task: I'm three years in and still have tons of trouble with my CR practice. The system takes some work, but to me it's worth it. And the results, even at my moderate end of the CR spectrum, are fantastic.

As I mentioned earlier, I've addressed the "Death is a part of life, aging is natural" so many times that I'm not willing to do it again in too much detail. If people are still in that mindset, I have no particular interest in talking them out of it.

But I do hope that The Book convinces a greater audience that we can do better, and that investing in doing better is worth the price. Because while CR is a very individual enterprise, funding biomedical research is not. It depends on public consensus, and right now, the public consensus has a long way to go.

Even in the absence of biomedical advances, the prospect of living healthy from 70 to 90 is enough reason for CR for me. My grandparents set a great example of how wonderful those years can be, but they didn't do that by accident. They lived very disciplined, happy lives of work, play, light eating, no smoking, careful watching of weight (my grandfather weighed himself every day and cut back on food that day if his weight was up) and enjoying the company of a huge loving family and a giant circle of friends. They never spent a day in a nursing home, and they hardly ever spent a night in a hospital. My grandmother is still pretty as a picture at ninety, and still drives, is still extremely active, and is a wonderful inspiration to the rest of the family.

So I'm not really convinced, obviously, by arguments that we should just accept aging and get all serene about it. I bet I'm happier actively doing something about it than most people are accepting it. Just from my own experience, I know I'm happier now than I was pre-CR, and I'm happier when I'm on more serious CR than when I'm messing around with "moderation."

The fact is, I do want a new washing machine. I may not be willing to pay the price for one right now, but I'm going to mourn for all those destroyed sweaters and pairs of underwear and I'm going to pray for the self-discipline to spend less of my money on stupid stuff so that I can save for the washing machine of my dreams, one that will carry me (or at least my lingerie) into an indefinite future of happiness with the man I love.

Until then, I'll handwash my undies.

Posted by april at 12:04 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

Living In The Fast Lane Now Fer Real.

So Aubrey and MR's book was just reviewed in the Wall Street Journal!

I think you can read it by clicking here.

I am so proud! It just doesn't seem quite real yet... all this time he's been working on The Book, and it's finally out!

Posted by april at 6:17 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 8, 2007

And Closer To Where I Started, Chasing After You

With MR out of the country, my life is starting to look like my early CR. Simple calorie counts, a struggle to get calcium (how much does that yogurt have?) and dreaming of being with a man who could live this life with me and understand why I'm not content to accept the slow pathetic march towards degeneration and death that everyone around us seems to think is just fine.

But this time I'm not just dreaming... that man is going to be in my house in two days, eating the food I put up for him and feeding my cats.

He didn't really envision feeding two howling cats as part of his life-with-dreamgirl scenario. But you know, we all compromise. I didn't know he'd want to wear a kilt to dinner parties. It's all worked out fine.

I find myself returning to the principles I learned when I first started CR. Get your protein early, get your calcium wherever you can, drink nothing but wine, eat no grains, order the salad with no dressing and vinegar on the side.

Today:

Breakfast: 2 containers of Breyer's light yogurt, total of 100 calories for two, 20% RDA calcium

Lunch: we took my grandmother out. They ate the bread, I did not. I had a Greek salad, no feta, no dressing, just vinegar on the side. Fat came from kalamata olives. Protein from grilled chicken. Glass of chardonnay.

Dinner: My mom picked me up from the airport and we went to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner. I had the salad bar with a huge helping of veggies plus olives and a cup of cottage cheese. Glass of cabernet.

Now I'm home and petting kitties, who are quite annoyed that daddy isn't home. It's funny... he doesn't really like the cats, but they depend on him for their secure routine. So they miss him. Somehow i doubt that he misses them, but I know he misses me!

I leave for a meeting in California on Monday morning. Do we travel enough, you think?

Posted by april at 6:59 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

In Case You Were Wondering...

Very entertaining comment showed up last night:

"I had a hard time figuring out what this website was about! I was first looking for information about curbing my appetite with vinegar, thought I'd stumbled upon a pro-ana site, then found some good recipes to my surprise, then thought, "this is a hell of a lot of emphasis to put on food and diet" (albeit extremely important I agree but daaaang, this is a lot of talk about food from one person!), and now, I've concluded, I spend so much time obsessing about my weight and food in an unhealthly way (namely in a lifelong struggle with ED), who am I to judge this woman on her obsession? At least it is healthy...I think? Oh well, I dunno, it is all interesting nevertheless."

First, I have no information on using vinegar to curb your appetite. The very thought of vinegar makes me want to:

a) make a kale salad and top it with vinegar and cottage cheese
b) go to Williams Sonoma and spend the money that should go towards paying our bills on every kind of fancy vinegar
c) Play with fruits and veggies and spices, put them into jars with various kinds of vinegar, and make my own fancy vinegars.

Clearly, I am not a role model.

Anyhow, it's always good to remind ourselves of what we're doing ("Who am I? Why am I here?") so a quick review: this blog is about Calorie Restriction with Optimal Nutrition, the only known method of slowing the biological aging process in mammals. It's worked in just about every animal on which it's been tested, so now a few unusual people are trying to see if it works in humans. So far our health, our bloodtests, and our overall vitality seem to indicate that it at least makes humans healthier (when practiced correctly -- it doesn't work to just eat less junk food!) and we'll see, as we get chronologically older, if it works in the long term.

Since it's very hard to do this in a food environment where so much junk food is agressively marketed to us every minute of the day, a few of us have decided to blog about our experience to show how it can be done, get feedback from others and suggestions, and share thoughts and ideas. We have a lot of fun with this.

If it seems like the blog is about food, that's because it is. Sometimes I write about other things, like my work organizing nurses, but mostly the blog is about CR (hence the title) and so that's going to be the focus of many entries.

I like to cook, so I talk about recipes a lot.

Those of us who do CR do several unusual things:

a) consciously choose to restrict our calories below what we would eat if we were just eating whatever we "want"

b) monitor our nutrition using nutritional software to make sure we're getting the nutrition we need from our food (hence talk of RDAs)

c) work with our physicians to get at least annual bloodtests done to monitor our overall heatlh and progress

I also strongly suggest that anyone practicing CR do bone building exercise, like running, lifting weights, or jumping rope, and cardio exercise for your heart, and a good balance and flexibility exercise like Pilates to decrease your risk of fracture due to falling later in life, but that's not an official stance, that's just me. (More on bone building supplements later, I haven't forgotten your question Yvonne, I just need MR to answer a few questions for me before I write about the supplements he designed and he's out of town.)

Some of us do other things, like donate to the Mprize or SENS research to improve the possibility that better, biomedical interventions will come to be that will slow or reverse our aging process far beyond what CR could possibly do.

Those who want more information should go to the website of the Calorie Restriction Society. I can't put in any links because I'm on my dad's computer and it messes with the blogging software, but google it: I did, and it changed my life!

Posted by april at 8:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 7, 2007

A Little Bit of Road Food

Breakfast (in airport at five thirty this morning): South Beach Diet bar, 210; vegetable juice, 60

Upon landing: Starbucks iced latte with skim: approx 80

Lunch: combination of the cup of lowfat cottage cheese with a tomato on top that I ate at my grandmother's before the service, followed by four slices of turkey cold cuts on top of lettuce, tomato, and onions that I ate at the reception afterwards. 180 in the cottage cheese, less than 30 in the tomato, not sure on the coldcuts, very little in the veggies. Ate one of my aunt's homemade cookies at the reception when my uncle specifically directed me to try a cookie. The man's father just died, I can eat his wife's cookie. This is one of the approximately six occasions per year when I actually did eat to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

Dinner: We're at my dad's and my step-mother has made a lean roast pork with a strawberry, avocado and cilantro salsa. I assume there will be salad or steamed veggies on the side.

All in all, a decent day considering I've had almost no control of the food supply. Unfortunately, I walked out without my almond bag (at five am) so I haven't had much fat or Vitamin E. Calcium will be not too bad due to the latte and the cottage cheese, and I picked up some nonfat yogurts for breakfast tomorrow morning. I was experimenting briefly with not eating breakfast, but I think for the time being I'm going to return to eating it, at least when I'm travelling.

I've been up since three and I'm exhausted, but the service was beautiful. We stood in a receiving line and met over 100 guests who came to say goodbye to my grandfather. Then we hung out at the reception till about half past six. My grandmother was so tired, but relieved I think to have this part over.

I miss home, I miss my kitties, I miss MR. Most of all I miss my Orange One. I should really start calling him my "ever so slightly peach one," as people seem to be disappointed that he's not like flourescent bright orange when they meet him. Either that or they're existentially horrified by the idea that someone could eat enough vegetables to acquire the orange tint of carotenoids. Aren't we past the point of judging others by the color of their skin?

Time to go downstairs and join the family for dinner... more when I can.

Posted by april at 7:22 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Off to Memorial Service

I'm headed off to my grandfather's memorial service with my chocobanana whey powder in my Hello Kitty backpack, leaving on a 7:25 am flight. I'm so exhaustd from all this travel and work I can barely move, but must keep going... what else is new? It will be good to see my family, even on a sad occasion.

Back tomorrow evening.

Posted by april at 4:32 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

But Am I Really What I Eat?

[This is the first in a series of posts largely in response to the comments on recent entry re: long term CR goals. To all commenters: thank you very much for your well-thought out, articulate comments! I really appreciate your thoughts, your concern, and your contributions to the discussion.]

Mary writes an interesting post, some of it in response to my earlier post on CR goals:

It seems to me that for April to achieve CR perfection - a la MR - she will have to let go of food as a social pleasure and quit thinking of it as a treat. She would have to tone down the drama in her life and bring her stress level down. She's need to quit caring so much about other people. I'd really hate to see her do that. She just wouldn't be April. She's pretty close to perfection already - calories, calories, calories-wise.

First, to set the record straight, for the last four or five months I definitely have not been near perfection calories-wise. Too much eating out, too much eating on the road, too much stress eating and social eating have become an excuse I have made to myself for taking in too many calories. This is showing in my weight and in my general energy level, but as I'm taking off the "baby weight" from the twin campaigns we just won, I'm feeling better every day.

That being said, first, thank you Mary for all the kind words!

Second, as you might all suspect, I have to disagree, most respectfully, with my CR Mom.

And as you all might suspect, I'm going to take the comments point by point.

she will have to let go of food as a social pleasure and quit thinking of it as a treat

Actually, no. Going out to eat and eating gak are not necessarily the same thing, as Mary herself illustrates on a regular basis. Nobody is forcing me to eat the fried calimari... I can just as easily go to the same restaurant and eat nothing but the grilled chicken salad that is so consistent that I know the calories within 100, and skip the other gaky foods that my friends may order. And for food as treat: it's perfectly possible to have calorie controlled "treats" that fit into an overall CR plan. It's also possible to eat a big restaurant meal out once a month or so and not throw off the averages *by that much.* None of those things are problems in my CR plan. It's the unplanned, unexpected, uncontrolled eating off people's plates/eating cause someone ordered appetizers/eating cause I'm hungry and didn't plan well that's creating the issue.

She would have to tone down the drama in her life and bring her stress level down.

Why? The drama in my life and the stress level do not force me to eat. It's my response to the drama and stress that is the problem. There's no iron law of physics that says that if I am stressed, I must eat. Or that drama requires medication with food and rum and Diet Coke. Food and stress don't necessarily go together. I'd much rather find healthy ways of dealing with stress, and put my energy into those, then continue to use it as an excuse for overeating. Exercise, mediation, and quality time with the people (and felines!) I love are all better stress relievers than calimari anyway (why am I picking on calimari? I don't know, it's just an easy, squiggly target.)

She's need to quit caring so much about other people. I'd really hate to see her do that.

Yikes, I'd really hate to see me do that too! Luckily, I don't have to. It's not really about what other people think... that's just an excuse. Yes, there are about six occasions per year when I really do need to, for either social or professional reasons, eat the food I'm served, no matter what it is. Weddings, our annual convention, the occasional dinner at a nurse's house. That's not a serious impediment to my CR. It's when I *pretend* that the fact that my friends are overindulging means that I must do the same. In the face of their own sworn testimonials that they don't care what I eat.

I decided to try an experiment. Last week, one of my staff wanted to go to lunch, but I had already eaten something... maybe my salad, maybe a whey shake, I don't recall at the moment. Point being, I wasn't hungry. So I said I'd love to go along but I'd just be social as I'd eaten.

Amazing. That need to fit in by eating just disappeared when *I wasn't hungry!*

I ordered nothing, I ate nothing.

Nobody cared. At all. I had a nice time. We had a productive and pleasant discussion. My two co-workers ate their lunches and didn't give a second thought to whether or not I was eating.

I thought to myself: I may be on to something.

Nice weighed and measured weekend. Ate a bit more than planned at the barbeque party on Labor Day (lox on a cracker... funny how I like salmon when it's smoked) but not much. My friend grilled my tilapia. No one batted an eye.

Up to Scranton last night. Had a big Single Girl Salad (Kale, cottage cheese, tomatoes, flax oil, salsa or hot sauce) for lunch, then dinner wasn't till after the very last meeting, very late for me, nineish.

We had a brief staff meeting over in the hotel lounge between meetings, and my co-worker ordered appetizers "for us all to share." Flatbread pizza.

My first thought was, well, I'll have to eat it.

My second thought was: let's see: useless carbs in the bread, saturated fat in the mozzarella, and maybe one tomato, which I can't just pick off and expect someone else to eat the rest.

My third thought: since when does someone else decide what I eat?

I didn't happen to care for flatbread pizza at that moment. Sure, I was hungry. Freakin starving at 7 pm with two hours to go before dinner and nothing since lunch! But that didn't mean I had to eat whatever someone else felt like ordering.

I walked over to the waitress and asked if she could bring a plate of carrots and celery.

And you know what? My plate of carrots and celery was consumed by the gang faster than the flatbread pizza. I nearly had to fight one of my nurses for the last piece of celery.

When I ordered it, I thought, "What if my new staff member (who doesn't know me well or know about CR) thinks I'm an obnoxious skinny bitch engaging in public displays of snotty healthy eating?"

Then I thought: wait, this really nice, smart woman isn't going to think anything of the sort. She's most likely to not notice, or to eat some carrots, or to figure I fancied some celery and carrots at the time. And if she did somehow associate something negative with my eating carrots and celery, whose problem is that? Certainly not mine. I respect her enough, after even a couple of days of acquaintance, to know that she's got better sense than to judge someone for what they eat.

My other two staff members know me well and really don't judge me by the calorie content of my plate, high or low.

The moral of the story is: it's not work, or stress, or travel, that's an obstacle to my CR. It's my own responses to these. Sure, it may be harder for me. MR's life, with working at home and going out infrequently and a somewhat less dramatic social life, is more conducive to CR than mine. MR isn't battling years of evolution that tell a woman of childbearing age to eat as much as she can so as to carry a baby to term in a famine. CR may be harder for me.

It would be harder for me to outrun a wild, hungry bear, than it would be for MR. He runs everyday, I refuse to run, and instead walk fast on the treadmill. I despise running. I have short little legs... he is as tall as a giraffe. If a bear were chasing us, it would be easier for him to run away.

So I could respond to the wild hungry bear by giving up and letting him eat me, but loving myself and forgiving myself for my inability to run fast enough to escape.

Or I could run as fast as my little legs will carry me and hope that the bear if feeling a bit sluggish after a large lunch of ad lib fed campers.

The fact of the matter is, it's not stress, or my friends, or my job, that cause me to eat more than I find optimal. It's me! I make the choice! I am not in Guantanamo being force fed by NG tube like the hunger striking detainees. I am a free woman, of legal age to drive and fight in wars and buy myself a drink. I embrace the choices in my life, and encourage others to do the same.

And making different choices about food doesn't change *Who I am.* I'm still the very same person I was before CR, just lighter and healthier and happier. My friends and co-workers value me for who I am, not for what I eat. MR loves me for who I am, not because I can make the best 639 calorie Zoned dinner on the planet in 20 minutes or less. Anyone who is shallow enough to dislike me because I eat carrots and celery instead of flat bread pizza is not someone I have time to be concerned about. And frankly, I don't think I've ever met someone who really, really had an issue with choices like that. Sure, they might think it's weird, but they've got other things in life to worry about. The people who are