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October 22, 2007
I've Changed My Mind: I'm Ready For You This Time
It is a matter of public record that I love girlie pop music. Britney, Christina, Kylie, Rhianna... bring it on.
My new favorite pop tune is Nelly Furtado's "Do It." MR survived one listening to it as I downloaded it to my Itunes. I find that the second I feel stressed out (and you would too if you were half responsible for winning good contracts at two newly organized hospitals... thank God/ess Edward is also half responsible. Between the two of us, we always save the day.) I just hit play on the Ipod MR got me for Christmas last and listen to "Do It" and I feel absolutely fine. The headline is taken from that song, and remorselessly taken out of context.
I was recently involved in an interesting dialogue on Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder. https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=27277534&postID=8599859190953731341 Yet another vicious and uninformed attack on me personally and CR as a concept, and a rather uncharacteristically sharp reply from me. Then some other stuff. I'm still waiting for Dr. Stacey, who apparently wasn't up at 4:40 am, to publish my most recent reply to the string of comments. To be clear, I have much respect for Dr. Stacey, and my quarrel wasn't with her, it was with one of her commenters.
It seems that some people who come from eating disordered backgrounds often have very intense, very sharp emotional reactions to the concept of CR. Not Emi. Emi is a rational robotocist and my favorite blogger. She is also someone who really has anorexia... and is fighting to get better, and winning. Not to be confused with the legions of wannarexics out there.
When folks don't really know anything about CR, but respond from a purely emotional place, projecting their own issues onto me/us, they can say some pretty unkind things. This is the comment that appeared on Every Woman... in response to something I had posted re: Alicia Silverstone's recent appearance for PTEA:
cut to, just now, i'm reading april's comment and i check out her blog.
i think to myself, "in what universe is this CR business not an eating disorder?
it's just another name for anorexic behavior."
And please, if u think this lengthens ur life, please read The Obesity Myth or something, the facts really don't support that theory.
Then i thought "who the f am i to tell anyone they have a disorder?"
It's not my business. But, this CR blog and countless anorexia blogs - all obsessively dealing with food etc - are up ther online so i guess it cant be TOTALLY offensive for me to spout my views. After all, it's all out in the open and people can just ignore me as i'm sure they will.. or respond and say their opinions as well...
Anyway, if u wanna live like that then fine, whatever. even if i'm right, ur only hurting urself so thats ur choice and ur responsibility. But i think back to "Thin" and i think that these women whose blogs i see are in such a place.... I don't mean specifically just april, a LOT of commenters here seem to have similar "lifestyles, i look at their blogs sometimes and wonder what they are looking for here on this blog... And I think to myself, good god, these women are going to have children some day.
and THAT scares me, what these children - esp daughters but sons too - will inherit and learn.
all this obsession... how people who devote blogs to their diet, who in some cases (i think, i could be wrong) have trouble holding down a job because it interferes with their dieting, can then tell themselves they have a peaceful healthy relationship with food - this astounds me.
well, i'm sure im not changing anybody's mind but i did feel like expressing it and hey all the other people can share their opinions so.
And had i not seen Thin and that mother-daughter hell, i wouldn't even say anything.
btw, here is an interesting post of Kate's where she links to an interesting article.
http://kateharding.net/?s=calorie+restriction
and i love that this thin woman ate, before she went on this diet, MANY more calories than people somehow think they "should" eat or than people think a slim person eats. it's just an interesting read (tho she too says that if she ever got overweight she would do some balanced diet to lose the weight, but i'm guessing because she was thin she has never seen that those things don't necessarily work. but i digress, that's not really the point. u should read kate's post and the article she links to.)
aanyway im sure people will be pissed at me now. and maybe i shouldnt look at their blogs anymore because it just upsets me and then i react and then that upsets them and it certainly wont change anybodys mind.
and maybe as a result i shouldn't read, or i should ignore, some of the comments on this blog. because i don't want to be the bitchy commenter. esp since it's not my own blog i'm only a guest.
so i guess, that rant out there, i should shuddup. slam me if u wish.
5:05 AM
Your wish is my command. My response:
April said...
I have written extensively about how CR is different from EDs. For example, unlike almost all the women who post here, I don't hate my body. I love my body. And my life. So I want more of it.
I don't spend countless hours wondering how I could stop hating myself. Cause I never hated myself in the first place.
I spend some time figuring out how I can be my healthiest, and feel my best. Is that a crime? Feeling my best isn't about stuffing my face with crap. It's about taking care of myself, on every level. Physical, mental and spiritual.
Have trouble holding down a job? What the F are you talking about? I'm probably the most successful union organizer in the country. Sometimes I overeat when I'm on the road... big deal. It's something I'm working on. Just like I'm working on new skills in my meditation practice, and improving my workouts and learning how to cook new dishes.
You should really read more, or think more, before you post. Or maybe your own head is so fundamentally disordered around food that anyone who can exercise any sort of self-control is going to bother you.
a
Now that wasn't very nice of me, was it?
Okay, let's see. Unfounded accusations, calling CR an eating disorder, and saying that I would make a bad mother?
Huh?
A rather civil dialogue followed, and you can read it yourself on Every Woman...
But to be quite honest, I felt a lot better after firing off a post that says what I really think.
I think that for way too long, I have been too nice. I've been polite. I've tried to deal lightly with the nasty commenters and was even relatively nice to Rebecca Traister (whose other work I really do love... we have so much in common, too bad she decided to hate me and ruin my Thanksgiving last year. We've patched it up rather nicely as of late though, and I do hope we can meet in RW some time.)
Repressing my real genuine anger, being nice for so long, has really taken a bite out of me.
Last winter I was so very miserable because every time I'd turn on my computer I'd get hit with another piece either attacking me personally or CR in general. Kate Taylor, the Rudd Center, Salon, etc. And you know what cheered me up?
All the reports of people learning to eat healthy in some part by reading the blog. My partner's mom losing 40 pounds the very healthy way, looking and feeling great, eating a lot of my recipes. My wonderful readers taking out these evil people in comments from pointed to downright aggressive. But most of all, reading Allswellinhell's beautifully written commentary, both on blog and in personal email, on all this crap.
She is very, very nice. In person. But she doesn't let anyone push her around in print, and she verbally beat the s*&t out of anyone who tried to beat me up online.
Erica Jong has this great piece in Fear of Fifty where she talks about how we straight women fall for men because we want to *be* them. My old friend Julie Davids used to call it a "life crush," when you have a crush on someone because you want his or her life. I definitely have a long term life crush on MR... and happened to fall deeply in love with the man he really is. Convenient that. But I note that I surround myself with people I want to be like... MR, Edward, Allswell, Robin.
I would read Robin's (usually nice) rants and Allswell's not so much nice rants and think: yeah, that's how I really feel!
But I took the high road. Partially out of a genuine belief that there's no point in hurting people, but also out of fear that speaking out more, uh, distinctly would lead to more attacks.
It is at this point obvious that I am going to get attacked no matter what I do.
Even when I've made it very clear that I oppose weight bias in all its forms.
Even when I've written extensively and nicely about how CR is different from an eating disorder.
Point being: there are a lot of people out there with issues, and some of them are going to project those issues onto me and or CR and there's nothing I can do to stop them.
But: I can be true to myself and speak the truth and tear them up. Verbally, of course.
:)
"Shooting fish in a barrel," Edward would say. He says that a lot, referring to when I do things that are really easy for me. It's easy to take on people who know very little about their topic of choice and react on a purely emotional level having done no research. But that doesn't mean it's not fun!
In my latest post to Every Woman, I compared how I feel reading the comments on that blog to walking into the junior high school gym locker room and walking in on the last few words of a suddenly hushed conversation about how the other girls hate me.
All the talk of how you can't be a feminist if you're thin, how anyone thin must have an eating disorder, how horrible it is to try to control what one eats. "Size 0" is thrown around as the same kind of insult that "slut" was in high school.
To be clear, it's not Dr. Stacey, at least not most of the time. It's the commenters. And they have every right to post whatever nasty, hateful comments they want. But for a bunch of people who preach size acceptance and sisterhood and women's empowerment, quite a few of them have a big blind spot when it comes to little women.
I've been the victim of girl bullying. I've read books about it. I was even interviewed for a book that I think is coming out soon about women bullying other women in the workplace.
Here's what I should have learned from those experiences: being quiet, trying to be nice, and attempting to get along just leads to more bullying. You have to either run away or fight back.
Running away took way too big a bite out of my self-respect, and it didn't work anyway.
So I think from now on, I'm going to fight back. It may be pointless. But I seem to be making a bit of progress, and I definitely feel better.
I've changed my mind: I'm ready for you this time.
Posted by april at October 22, 2007 6:16 AM
Comments
Hi April,
I've read your blog for so long and waited until now to post a comment. I always shake my head at how much you and your beliefs get beat up on--either through malice or ignorance. On the other hand, I appreciate that you always try to decipher between the two. I've seen some honest, but misplaced, questioning on your blog that you've answered with respect and thoroughness (education is important when one truly wants to learn). On the other hand, I think that these clearly meanspirited, meritless postings, both on your blog and others, should be addressed head on (if you have the energy--I know this can be emotionally draining). You would think that we would live in an age when we would not need to defend two things so vehemently, that is: science and body image (as you say, what about the small women?). Kudos to you. You and CR have more fans than you realize. Keep the faith!
Posted by: Keej at October 22, 2007 7:02 AM
The commenters there have an agenda that colours everything they see, regardless of whether it has to do with body issues or not. Or as my dad always put it, to someone who's only got a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Posted by: Brooke at October 22, 2007 8:38 AM
Hi April:
Since reading about you and CR in The New Yorker, I occasionally check your blog.
I'm in my fifties, about 30lbs. overweight. I read your blog for inspiration to change my diet, but also because I find you to be a good-hearted person.
I wonder how many others are happier for reading your postings and appreciate your efforts and your personality.
I sense that you always do your best and I wish you continued success. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Tom at October 22, 2007 8:42 AM
The are the kind of comments from people you need to keep in your mind is one that how healthy and young you look (one of your previous posts). It is really nice when you get these comments isn't it? It really motivates you more.
For a couple years I always worried about what people thought, and tried to always get my point across why I was doing CR and that it isn't an eating disorder... but there is only such much you can do or say, you'll get a good idea whether or not they understand you or your CR quite quickly... Mostly these kind of little conflicts just end up in more stress and anxiety, which as you've said before is not good at all.
Keep in mind that you and everyone else that has researched CR knows that it is life giving, not life destroying as with what happens with true eating disorders. Though some might think CRers look ill, if you compare with real anorexics that need help, there is a big difference in how they appear IMO.
April I've seen you in some videos, like the latest ones on CNN, and you look a million times more healthier than you did back a few years ago when you just started out CR.
I don't claim either to understand anorexia or what's going on there. I can't even comprehend what it is like or must feel like. It is totally alien to me. I practice Calorie Restriction, but I have never obsessed about food in my life. CR is one part of my life, not my life. I bet this is the case for you and many other CRers out there.
I hope you do get back to doing media appearances eventually. But do what makes you feel happy. We who have read your blog for years support you! know that :)
Posted by: matt - uk at October 22, 2007 8:51 AM
I think it's about time you fired off a few snarky responses to these trolls (politely, of course). Let the FireCat out, girl! As to what you would be like as a mother, I think you'd be fantastic. We are sad that you don't want children, actually. They would be raised with not only love, but also a balance of affection and discipline and obviously, they'd be nourished with great care and attention to their needs as growing beings. MoMR
Posted by: Judith at October 22, 2007 9:43 AM
All good thoughts, and I completely understand your desire to fight back and set the record straight.
I was a strict vegetarian from age 20-30, incorporated chicken and fish from 30-32, and then re-eliminated chicken from my diet at 32 (I'm now 36).
So, aside from fish/seafood, I eat only vegetables, light dairy and whole grains. No fast food, no junk food. (I do occasionally eat pizza, though! On occasion. And it's usually made from scratch, by me.)
And other people have an opinion about this. About me. My diet. Like I am somehow less American because I don't belly up to the McDonald's counter, or grill up a big steak on a weekly basis.
People have an opinion about what I eat and they feel compelled to chime in. (and it's not because I'm exceptionally thin, because as I've mentioned, I'm not...I'm average build, solid.)
There was a time when I'd explain myself. But now, I just think evil thoughts about their ignorance and say, "It's a personal choice." And I leave it at that. If someone is curious and they want more information, I'll talk with them. But if someone just wants to argue or pass judgement, I haven't the time or energy for that.
And I'm not saying it's better that I've decided not to comment to them. I just don't think my views on food - no matter how strategically I would deliver them - are going to be absorbed into those thick skulls.
Even if they don't practice CR, they are just not interested in eating healthily, close to the ground, cleanly. These are the people who walk nowhere, never ever take the stairs, will take the elevator up one floor!
If they don't have "rolls", their arteries are certainly clogged, their lungs are weak, their heart not as regular. They lack muscle tone. Their brains aren't getting as much oxygen.
They have no discipline.
And they will never understand that by simply raising their awareness of what they put in their bodies, they can improve - or in your case, elongate - their lives.
They criticize and I can't make them see why they're wrong.
But I applaud your efforts and will be thrilled to read more posts where you're setting other's straight!
Posted by: Serena at October 22, 2007 10:20 AM
It's true. Except for when I have to get into knockdown brawls on the subway over mah popcorn, I'm a pushover in person. Online, though, where people have a million powers of research and the time to think critically, there's no reason for people to make flip judgments about the way April eats and looks at life, both of which are a million times more positive than the girls who drug their depression with chocolate cake, self-injure with french fries, and declare themselves powerless before a Quad Stacker.
My parents' immediate reaction to seeing me in person after becoming "CR'd" was to tell me I looked "scary skinny" and "too skinny." It's one week short of the day I decided to stop munching whatever breakfast burritos came down the pike and examine What I Ate. Today, on the birthday that officially knocks me into late 20s territory, I'm more healthy (besides the hangover... it's my birthday, fer fuck's sake) than I've ever been in my life, and more happy with what I'm eating, which daily provides me with all the vitamins and minerals a gal could need. I weigh and wear comfortably the sizes I did when I started high school. And I just had the best steak for breakfast.
April, here's to a year of being a reader. Thanks for helping me back away from the tots.
Posted by: allswellinhell at October 22, 2007 10:53 AM
"Feeling my best isn't about stuffing my face with crap. It's about taking care of myself, on every level. Physical, mental and spiritual."
LOVE THAT!!! Your reply was so beautifully and perfectly worded. Politeness doesn't work for these people. You need to get in their faces, just as they're getting into yours.
Kudos to you, girlfriend!
nen
Posted by: Nenette at October 22, 2007 12:30 PM
Hi April - I've been reading your blog for awhile and am inspired by all that you do (as well as your highly entertaining writing style!). It's unfortunate that you have to constantly defend yourself, when you've done such a thorough job with your blog. You patiently answer the same questions and explain the same ideas again and again! But people are very threatened by healthy, mindful eating habits. I have experienced that, too, as a super healthy eater (I don't offically practice CR). Anyway, keep in mind that you rock! And, yeah, you should definitely sound off when provoked like this!
Posted by: Merritt at October 22, 2007 7:19 PM
Give 'em hell, April!
Posted by: Robin at October 22, 2007 8:24 PM
hey April.
I left a comment on EWHAE in response to the exchange. I am in recovery from AN but also have used CR in the past (we have emailed before) as a mechanism to help with recovery. It was largely very helpful for me, because the notion of 'recovered' invariably means 'eat what is typical' and that, to me at least, doesn't seem very sensible. Anyway, I appreciate what you have to say and I certainly haven't been drinking the ed-recovery kool-aid. But, for sure, there is a way of seeing in the ed community; for me, eating very well has always felt nurturing as opposed to denying. I think that, while behaviourally eds and CR can look similar (at least on the surface), there is a gulf between the two cognitively. And that's what is key to my mind....
Take care. I have a few good songs on my ipod which have that effect on me, too.
Alex
Posted by: alex at October 23, 2007 6:00 PM