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December 12, 2007
Ascetic
And other things I am not.
I love food, wine, and have recently discovered much to my chagrin that I love whiskey. I also love being a little crazy, feeling slightly out of control, taking cleverly calculated risks (like the time I jumped on a plane to go spend the weekend in Chicago with a man I had met once... and he picked me up from Midway Airport on a tandem bike!) and living to turn it into a funny story.
I don't see myself retiring to a convent any time soon.
Never before did it seem like such a struggle to integrate all these things into a pretty decent CR practice. But as I'm trying to go lower, it's so hard. MR isn't going to just stand by forever and watch me poison myself with secondhand smoke and whiskey. And I really don't want lung cancer, or to misplace my liver. Of course I don't.
I have turned over every part of my brain looking for some thread of asceticism to grab onto to help me get really excited about ceasing to eat, other than one day a week, anything that is not calorie controlled and nutritionally optimized. It's always been my deal that I eat out once a week, and don't worry about it, just make up for it on other days. But lately I've been out way way way more than that. I have been indulging in my hedonistic tendancies and I am not supposed to be doing that!
Now if you look at the above paragraph and decide that you wouldn't want to live that way, fine. I don't care. Don't write in a million comments about how miserable that sounds because we're not talking about you, we're talking about me. And I will admit in fact just did admit that it has drawbacks. It's not for everyone, in fact it's not for most. So if you don't want to do it please don't, just don't whine to me about it.
I've been so excited about CR for most of the time I've been doing it. I really love the software, cooking, playing with optimizing, sharing a project that we are both passionate about with the man I love, and even the fun of being a little bit of a food rebel. Not to mention the joy of being attacked in national magazines... wait, that's not fun!
In fact, it was my hedonistic tendancies that drew me to CR in the first place. I wanted to have more fun, longer, and I wasn't having any fun when I was overweight and getting sick all the time. I loved the sensation of weight loss, and I missed it when I was done. I enjoyed playing with how different foods made me feel. I even found entertaining how much harder alcohol hits me now that I am smaller... I mean, after the first few awkard incidents before I figured out that I can't drink at 107 like I could at 137.
CR wasn't like a job... it was a hobby, a passion, an intellectual pursuit and a great way to freak out my friends and family. At times it was like a drug, but never like an addiction. Not compulsive, and very much something I could turn on and off. Better, actually, at turning off than on.
It was no sacrifice at all. No asceticism required.
For so long I felt like the danger on the rocks was surely past. And I know I'll never go back to eating ad lib, or gain back the weight, or actually take up smoking as opposed to secondhand smoking which I am trying unsuccessfully to quit.
But how long have we watched and waited with varying degrees of patience while I try to go back on hardcore CR and then don't?
There are so many excuses. I can't stand excuses... I get plenty on the job... "I can't go to the meeting because the dog ate my husband" and such. Thank heaven my staff of amazing people are also allergic to excuses. I can't very well claim that I would love to go hardcore, yes I would, but you see I can't because to access my inner ascetic I would need to fall in love with a Buddhist monk with anger management issues and ask him to beat me every time I fall off the wagon. Isn't it enough that I live with the true shining orange icon of CR perfection? You'd think that would be encouragement enough, wouldn't you? And I get so much support. From MR, even from my friends, even when they think I've gone right round the bend. They support me in doing whatever I want to do. Unless it's really, obviously, blatantly stupid, like crossing the road in front of oncoming traffic. Edward did once have to stop me from doing that.
So can I just whine for a moment? (Wait, I've been whining on blog for three years! Why ask permission now?)
IT'S SO HARD!!!
It's not hunger that's the issue, it's trying to cut back on going out. If I could make up for going out by just not eating at other times, believe me, I would. But it doesn't work if you do that all the time because you end up severely compromising nutrition. That kills the rats. Can't be good for me either.
I have a little magick spell that I am planning to put on myself, just a bit of scripted meditation really, nothing fancy or creepy or Harry Potteresque (no it does not involve a Buddhist monk. Wait: it just dawned on me that I hung out last night with a friend of mine who is a Buddhist! But does he have anger management issues? I doubt it.) that I think may help. I'm very good at wiring up my brain to do what I have to do when I have to do it. Seriously. You should see how I am at crunch time in a campaign. I develop superhuman levels of energy and focus in the face of extreme pressure. Then once the campaign is over I watch 18 hours of Big Cat Rescue videos in one weekend.
Real CR really does take a lot of self-discipline, but I find self-discipine really hot, both in others and in myself. There's a reason why I've always been attracted to serious people, of whatever sort. It comes in many different forms, and some people think it's a zero sum game. Like if you blow all your self-discipline on your work, you might not have as much left for your health. Or vice versa. But I've always thought that was a convenient excuse, and the dog did not eat my husband so I have to show up at the meeting. If I could channel the focus and self-discipline that I put into my work onto CR, as I once did, I'd be set.
I am beginning to think that all of these years going out and eating and drinking and now secondhand smoking are just ways of making up for something that was missing in my life, and that if I had that one thing I would be fine with just hanging out with my friends when we go out but not eating. I never really knew what it was until very recently, though I'm sure I suspected. And it's the one thing that MR says I can't have.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you guess it: it's a tarantula.
If only I could have a tarantula, she whines as though bargaining with God, I could do hardcore CR. I know I could. Just one. Not necessarily the giant mouse eating kind, but just a cute little garden variety cricket eating fluffy spider and I know I would finally have all that has been missing in my life.
Don't get me wrong: MR does not oppose tarantulas. He thinks they're creepy neat. But he doesn't want one in the house, or any more pets at all. In fact, he doesn't even want the pets we actually have. So needless to say he does not want to add to the population.
I know what kind I want, I think. She only needs to be fed once a week, and she prefers no attention whatsoever. A lot of women would like this in a husband. A blue one. Spider, that is. Not husband. I don't want a husband, and I like my partner orange. I'm sure there are women who would not so much mind that their husband was blue as long as he only had to be fed once a week and wanted no attention whatsover. I am not one of those women.
He's not my husband, but he is my life partner, and I can't impose an unwanted spider on him. And he may be worried that I'll get ideas from her and one day eat him immediately after mating.
Of course, the anarchist has a clever idea: keep the spider at the office. He really wants an office spider. They don't move much, and perhaps we could pass it off as a houseplant.
This plan is so fraught with difficulty that I don't even know where to start. It's probably against the organization's by-laws to have a spider in the office. If it's not, I'm sure there will be a special emergency convention to pass a new anti-tarantula by-law.
But I still have this dream of a cute little tarantula chilling out in the corner of my office. Feeding her a weekly cricket... watching her barricade herself into a little hole and refuse to come out... talking to her even though I know she doesn't care that I'm talking.
I've even picked out a bunch of possible names for her.
Come on, I'm not having kids, can't I have a tarantula? She'll be cute, she won't get in the way, she'll just sit quietly bothering no one. What more could you ask for?
How about this: if we can organize 1000 nurses this year, calendar 2008, we can have a spider?
It'll help me with my CR. Really!
Posted by april at December 12, 2007 7:28 AM
Comments
I once had to take care of 12 tarantulas my friend had, when I was housekeeping for him, no farther away from you than Norristown.
and once I woke up and saw a cricet on my pillow checking out my face, I quit. I mean, tarantulas are no fun, really, they're rather scary.
Forget about hardcore CR. Who but MR is asking for it? You've been doing moderate Cr for years and it obviously works. Don't try to replace your out nights with a weirdo like a tarantula. Go out as much as you like. You obviosly need it love.
Posted by: zeynep at December 12, 2007 7:34 PM
i wish i could just give you a big ole hug after reading your last three posts.
to the public: i am sorry, but april is right and you are wrong, (to the negative have no life nay-sayers).
april, keep on doing what you are doing.
and yes, i am back...
Posted by: sheila at December 12, 2007 10:28 PM
I think the only way a spider would help me with CR would be if I kept it in the fridge, next to the cheese I keep in for P. I'd be too scared to even open the door, let alone touch the stuff... Hmm. Maybe you do have an idea after all. :-)
Second-hand smoke though - ew! Can't say I miss that in my life since bars became smoke free and P quit the filthy habit.
Posted by: Sara at December 13, 2007 3:35 AM
I can't help you with your other temptations, but whisky I know about. I love that stuff like other people love breathing.
But, it's a calorie sink, it doesn't have the possible health benefits of red wine, and left to my own devices I'd happily spend more money on whisky than rent. So I made a deal with myself which turns out to be very easy when it comes to whisky.
I don't drink anything but the best. Luckily when it comes to whisky the best is so far beyond average it's another dirnk altogether. And when I say the best, I mean 16-y.o. Lagavulin, *minimum*. Jack and Diet? Outta there. Macallan 12 y.o.? Not even close. Even my beloved Baillie Nicol Jarvie, the queen of blends, I have it maybe once a year now, max, and only beause it's a Christmas gift for my next door neighbour and he won't let me out the door without a wee dram.
If you like whisky, the enjoyment you get is directly proportional to the quality (which is also often, though not always, proportional to the price). Trust me, a single of 25 y.o. Benromach bottled by Gordon and MacPhail out of a cask dating from before the distillery closed the first time, once a year in lieu of dessert at a meal with friends, is such an overwhelming whisky experience... it's worth being ascetic for.
As for the secondhand smoking, why not move to a place where smoking in public enclosed spaces is illegal? It's ever so nice in the pubs now...
Posted by: Brooke at December 13, 2007 4:25 AM
Wanted to draw everyone's attention to this terrifying article in Newsweek (http://www.newsweek.com/id/76929) about people in rural areas not having access to healthy food.
American farm subsidies all go to crops like corn, hence the high fructose corn syrup in everything. (Highly recommend Michael Pollan's "The Omnivore's Dilemna" for more on this subject.) I've lived in Europe on and off for the past 6 years, and there fresh fruits and vegetables are plentiful and super cheap (in season). Wish American farm subsidies worked nearly as well as their European counterparts.
Posted by: Katerina at December 13, 2007 9:26 AM
April - do moderate CR. Hardcore CR is for head cases. And the joke is, for all MR's hardcore CR for life extension, he may get hit by a bus.
LIVE your life - otherwise the years mean nothing.
Posted by: Alison at December 13, 2007 4:17 PM
Radio Controlled Tarantula
by Steve
Friday, September 30, 2005
What makes this Radio Controlled Tarantula creepy is that each of its eight legs move independently, so that it looks and walks like the real thing. It's life-like legs are just for show however; it moves around on wheels.
Still, imagine the screams you'll hear as you pilot this thing throughout the office! Watch out, you may end up with someone pulverizing it with a phone book.
Takara Co. Ltd., it's manufacturer, has a Quicktime movie so you can watch it in action.
It sells for about $20.00, and is available just about everywhere.
Perfect for Halloween parties.
Posted by: Reader from Nashville at December 13, 2007 8:01 PM
Won't the cats eat the spider? Or will the spider eat the cats?
I thought tarantula bites were fatal to cats?
Posted by: Lindsay at December 14, 2007 1:32 PM
My experience with tarantulas has been in ridding our house of the critters. I used to go after them with a broom - sorry about that April - but I had small children and didn't want them bitten by a tarantula or a black widow. I encourage other types of spiders - I dont even mess with their webs until they're interfering with traffic. They're great scavengers.
Peg
Posted by: enmuffins at December 16, 2007 2:53 PM
hi april, i have been reading your blog posts for some years now but never bothered to post.
i've been drawn out because i have some practical questions and you seem to do a better job of answering those than others do.
methionine restriction: how do you tell what an ad lib level is? how do you tell if you're restricting sufficiently? is it even worth attempting to restrict if it means your only protein source can be whey powder because vegan sources are too caloric (beans) or too high volume (broccoli) and non-vegan sources are too high-Met?
i'm not an ascetic and i enjoy my food. i also enjoy meat and fish a lot.
Posted by: negatory at December 16, 2007 3:14 PM
I'm so grateful you wrote this post (accept for the spider part) I too find it hard to practice CR during the holidays. I don't think a spider will help you find your inner ascetic. Perhaps a walking meditation will do?
Let me whine with you. not eating at a party is so boring.
Posted by: bethsheba at December 16, 2007 5:36 PM
hi April,
why is it so freaking' difficult for some women to admit they want a baby?
this is one trade-off you might not be able to get over.
best,
christina
btw - re: danger on the rocks
i married him
Posted by: christina at December 17, 2007 6:41 PM
Christina,
Congratulations on your marriage! And thanks for getting back in touch!
As to a baby... I assure you, that's not what I want. After spending a weekend with my niece and nephew, aged 8 or so months and 4, I am once again reminded that I don't want children. They are the sweetest, most well-behaved kids on earth, mostly due to their excellent parents, but I really can't imagine anything more miserable (save perhaps jail) than having to build my world around small children. Can't deal with it. Don't want kids.
Sometimes a spider is just a spider.
a
Posted by: april at December 18, 2007 5:03 PM