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February 4, 2008
He Said I Locked You In This Body. I Meant It As A Kind of Trial
I can't be a role model anymore.
When you become the public face of something, you take on a responsibility to model its proper practice. You have no idea (unless you were on the CR Society list) how much criticism MR and I received from inside the CR community about every one of our media appearances, especially New York Mag. "You made Quorn??? You don't seem normal!!! You should have made something normal!'' "Don't tell them that MR eats 1913, it seems too weird. Just say it's around 1900." "Don't show them how you weigh and measure everything... it makes us seem like freaks."
Dudes, we are freaks. Being a) interested in slowing our aging process b) willing to go against the food environment, capitalist machine, and hardwired biological programming is pretty darned freakish. Let he or she who is normal throw the first nasty email message.
I stopped doing media awhile back because I was sick of having to represent. I'm sick of being a punching bag for snarky "journalists" who have a looming deadline and nothing better to write about. I am sick of wondering if the fact that I don't look like a supermodel means that my partner doesn't get an interview that would launch his book sales into the stratosphere. I am sick of feeling like I had to live up to everyone's expectations. I never meant to be an icon, I never meant to become the designated media spokesperson, I just did interviews when I was asked to.
I am sick of being accused of promoting anorexia. How many times have I told people to EAT MORE!!! I am living proof that you can't just catch anorexia... believe me, if social pressures alone could make you anorexic, I'd be there. How many times have I heard, "You're not skinny enough to be on CR." I'm not what the media wants to look at... they want a freak show. I'm a slim, healthy looking girl with a more than full time job and a couple of demented cats. Boring!
When you do media and become the public face of something, there is a lot of pressure to make it acceptable to the masses. I've accentuated the positive, easy aspects of CR. And to be quite frank, moderate CR (which is really just obesity avoidance) is not that hard. With tools and information and support and access to a grocery store, most people can lose weight and lower disease risk. Not be Kate Moss, but who wants to be Kate Moss? Other than, I assume, Kate Moss. What's she up to these days anyway? Not slow biological aging, likely, but certainly dramatically lower risk of heart disease, stroke and cancer, and look and feel better too.
I want all of my wonderful readers to know that I am so happy to have helped you in any way I can. You've kept me going through all of this hellish stuff, and far more than you know. I don't want you to go away, and I want you to take from the blog what you can and leave what you can't use there on your computer screen. I may be going to places where you don't want to go. It's okay! We can be friends! Make my recipes, read my entries, laugh at the ongoing sagas in my life. When I started this blog I had no idea that it would ever help anyone, and it has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life to be a person who helped you realize that you have power over your own health. You have no idea how much every one of your comments means to me. They are little shiny sparkly treasures that I wear in a psychic necklace around all the time, defending me against the snark and nastiness.
Moderate CR is easy. But hardcore CR is not. It's not for everyone. I'm not trying to recruit anyone. I am only telling the story of my own journey, both physical and spiritual. I'm not trying to tell you want to do. If you feel like you have an eating disorder that can be triggered by what you read here, stop reading! I do not have an eating disorder. I may have an organizing disorder: I definitely put organizing above everything in my life, with the possible exception of my partner, and at crunch time he definitely wonders who comes first, him or the nurses? But I do not have an eating disorder. If you are too threatened by the very concept of someone eating less than you do to read about it without freaking out, please go somewhere else. Your problems are not my problems. Don't project.
I am only speaking of and from my own experience.
Hardcore CR is hard, especially if you are not willing to lock yourself in a box away from the temptations of the world and give up things like wine and going out and occasionally being in the same room as the cheese plate. Not that anyone I know would ever do that. :)
MR's version of CR is that he perfectly consistently eats the same number of calories, each meal, each day, at the exact same time. Consistency spares him hunger, and yet even with him it varies quite a bit. There was a period of involuntary weight loss in early CR when his metabolism did it's inevitable jump up after a period of CR-induced slow down he was hungry almost all the time. Sometimes he feels unusually hungry earlier before a meal than usual. But these days he's pretty content.
He lives a life that I'm not willing to live. He works from home, he doesn't go out socially much, he never much liked restaurant eating anyhow. I want to have my CR and my sushi too. So super-consistency is out. If I'm going to ever eat out (and keep my red wine) I have to balance it out with extra lower calories and extra high nutrition at all other times. I know from experience that that means being hungry sometimes.
Hunger, true hunger, is something that most people in our affluent society never experience. Getting down to the bottom, in calorie deficit, where the body is screaming, "You can't carry a baby in a famine if you don't eat the cheese!!!" and you're screaming back, "There is no famine and I don't want a baby!" is not a normal situation. But if I want to do real CR, without giving up most of my treats, that's what I have to learn to live with, at least from time to time.
I find it funny how most people are just horrified by the concept of hunger. As though they'll die if they're just a shade past peckish. What a limiting world view that is, I think. Like the world view of my friend who is such a chain smoker that she won't take an airplane ride because she can't handle the thought of being trapped without a cigarette. Being hungry is just not that big a deal. It's not something to be afraid of. It doesn't mean that you'll never be fed again. I think that the fear comes from some biological programming that says, "If I don't eat now, I may never eat again and I'll starve to death and die!" Yet I know with absolute certainty that at a time certain I will have my lovely cup of organic low fat cottage cheese with flax oil and a few drops of Texas Pete. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and doing the dishes.
Lately, I've been experimenting with hunger. Last week I set a goal of being hungry for a total of six hours a day. Usually three hours in the morning, then I have lunch, then three in the afternoon. I've stopped eating breakfast as it seems to be easy calories to cut. I still endorse the high protein no carb breakfast: if you are in the weight loss phase, eat your eggwhites! But I am very long into CR and now trying new things to take it to the next level.
My CR practice is not just physical, it's spiritual. Fasting has long been a method for reaching higher states of consciousness, and I've been playing with it a lot lately. From Thursday night to Friday night I fasted for 24 hours, in part to get my calories down, but mostly to clear my head. It worked.
CR for me isn't just about living longer: it's about living better in the here and now. It's the only drug that works for me. It's the only thing that truly cures my anxiety, the only thing that seems to return me to the space of inner peace that I so long for. Some speak of emotional deadening, but to me it is like being alive without the screaming pain that is too much passion, impossibly directed. "I will never apologize for having passion," said Edward to a meeting of nearly 400 nurses during a strike in coal mining country many years ago. I, however, will apologize for having too much passion. I used to make these apologies at least once a week, but lately I'm down to closer to once a month. It's progress.
I'm not willing to lock myself in a box, so I've decided to confront hunger and the compulsion to eat on its own terms, on its own turf. On Friday I walked through a mall food court with a Taco Bell (my favorite!) having not eaten for 24 hours with my friend who ate Subway, and I confronted those thoughts that said, "You could eat a Subway Club salad, you know the calories, it's healthy." I didn't eat because I had decided to fast for 24 hours and I knew I needed to do so to clear my head. I stepped into the ring with hunger, and I won. Over and over again. Six hours a day of hunger is not what you have to do to do CR: it's what you need to do it you're April CR working on enlightenment at the same time as you're tweaking your diet. You don't have to follow me to the place I'm going, but you're welcome to come along for the ride.
As of late I've felt locked in my body. That's why Leonard Cohen's lyrics from "Lover, Lover, Lover" quoted in the headline jumped out at me. I never really felt like this before, even when I was overweight. The consciousness of the compulsion was never there before. It was back around the time of the New York Mag article that I suddenly recognized how much the biological compulsion to eat creates all these wacky rationalizations in one's head. It was like a filter was removed from my consciousness, and though I still obeyed the compulsion way too often, I could see it at work in my and others' "reasons" why we eat x y or z foods at a b or c times. Now that the filter has been removed, I can see the compulsion working ("It's a social event... you have to eat!" Yet if I've already eaten my food, the 'social pressure' is gone. Go figure.) I've decided to face down the hunger at its most elemental level, and to set up challenges where I can prove to myself over and over again that I don't have to obey my biological programming. I am a rational agent, with my own will. The hummus does not control me. (Yes, I am being a little bit funny. I'm not really a hummus addict. But I do adore it.)
The quest for hardcore CR has somehow managed to do what anyone who has known me since I was twelve and first got interested in medieval philosophy would think impossible: I am becoming a dualist. I want to escape my body, or at least pay somewhat less attention to its whining. I play games with hunger, and it's fun. I set up situations where I know I will be hungry, intentionally, voluntarily, so as to learn how not to be afraid of hunger, and how to stop letting the compulsion make my decisions for me. I know I am not really starving, it's an illusion created by the biological compulsion to eat as much as I can. I find myself for the first time in my adult life doing something that can be vaguely described as renouncing the flesh. Saint Paul is saying, "I told you so." Saint Augustine is cackling. Saint Augustine is in hell.
[That was an obscure Sting reference, btw, not an attempt to offend the entire Catholic Church.]
Don't worry, I'm not renouncing my status as a card-carrying hedonist. I'm still planning on going out, drinking wine, etc. But I want to do so on my terms, in ways that don't interfere with my long term health goals, instead of just obeying biological programming and applying post-facto rationalizations to explain why. Everybody knows how much I hate my own excuses. If I want to have my hedonism and my CR too, I've got to learn to deal with *some* hunger on the other days.
So I am doing the experiment. I am stepping into the ring with hunger and I am winning most of the time. My weight is going down slowly because I am careful.
Now you see why the long rant at the beginning about not being a role model. I'm going in directions that you may not want to follow. That's fine! I didn't start this blog to tell people what to do, though if you ask what worked for me to lose weight and get control of my health, obviously I'll tell you. If I want to tell people what to do, I can go to work. I'm just sharing, and musing, and hopefully at times amusing. You don't have to fast for 24 hours or be hungry 6 hours a day to do CR... it's just something I'm playing with. Don't take it personally.
I am tired of being locked in a body... a body that I have loved, that I use to love others, but that certainly does complain a lot. I am bored with its needs, I want a little break. So I am exercising self-discipline in a way that gives me a sense of freedom. Enlightenment may not be right around the corner, but at least a psychic reading lamp seems to be switched on.
The difference between fasting and starvation is that you know that fasting is going to come to an end. Well, that and you don't drop dead. Trust me, if you die, you're doing it wrong. A little bit of fasting, in the context of a low calorie, high nutrient diet, can be quite liberating. I don't think I'd want to do it for very long, but having been a three meals a day plus some snacks sometimes kinda person for like ever, it's a refreshing change.
I really should take up yoga. It would no doubt help with the spiritual discipline end of things, and would be an excuse to buy cute new workout clothes.
Posted by april at February 4, 2008 7:51 AM
Comments
I think you need to see a psychiatrist.
Posted by: Wow at February 5, 2008 9:36 AM
Lovely, April!
You said, "A little bit of fasting, in the context of a low calorie, high nutrient diet, can be quite liberating."
I'd actually add that a little bit of fasting, in the context of ANYONE'S diet, can be liberating or even healthful. Exception granted, of course, to those on death's door or under severe dietary parameters.
Keep fighting the good fight - I admire you greatly despite the fact that my personal practices do not fall under the wing of what could be called CR (though ON, definitely). You and Michael both are interesting, fascinating, personable, reasonable, and just plain NICE. Don't change for anyone.... all I (we) ask is that you keep writing about the journey.
Take care.
Posted by: Andrea at February 5, 2008 12:09 PM
I have been interested in short-term daily fasting for awhile now. Not particularly to just reduce calories, though it will help with that, but because I find in the long run I feel better. I function at a higher capacity. (I know this may not work for everyone.) I thought that the concept was original with me (ha, ha) and then found that there is a "one meal a day" group online based under the research of Ori Hofmekler. It is not truly one meal a day because I may have a small piece of fruit or low fat cheese early in the day but there is a substantial "under eating" or fasting phase. I read some of Hofmekler's book "The Warrior Diet". He doesn't really understand CR though he tried to discuss it briefly (I don't think he has enough info.). The book is informative but I still like to stay up on CRON principles. Aren't there other CRON practitioners that practice periods of fasting or 1-2 meals a day? I think that this will be an interesting experiment for you. I believe that the six hours of fasting will produce health benefits that will add up and you will require less of the more extended fasting. Keep us posted as usual!
Kay
Posted by: Kay at February 5, 2008 1:11 PM
"I don't want you to go away, and I want you to take from the blog what you can and leave what you can't use there on your computer screen."
Thank you :) Don't want to go anywhere. But I sometimes feel a bit voyeuristic so it's nice to be reminded that I am invited.
What I am currently taking away is to keep listening to my body. I've been making wretched food choices lately and doing some serious wallowing in self pity. But I'm trying to keep the connection between eat gak=feel bad as opposed to feel bad... ok, eat more gak. Because there is probably a very good reason why I was sitting at my computer this morning about to burst into tears. Sure, I'm not happy at my meaningless office monkey job. But I think the baked cheetos for breakfast probably had a wee bit more to do with things :) Baby steps. And the first step is back to greek yogurt for breakfast.
Posted by: Anne at February 5, 2008 1:29 PM
April – if we weren’t an ocean apart I would be there right now and we would be talking and laughing together. I understand your frustration with the media. If it ain’t freaky it ain’t news and you could have been as normal as Mrs Average and they would still have found ways of dressing things up so you wouldn’t even recognise yourself. Even after only 15 months on CRON I realise that these contacts are fraught with problems especially since there is no such thing as a typical CRer. Apart from restricting calories and getting all your nutrition there is nothing else that everyone is agreed upon. I have done some research on the history of medicine and the battles fought between people at the cutting edge have been legendary throughout the ages. The worst infighting always takes place between people working towards the same goals. The CR story has a beginning, a middle and an end, but the end hasn’t happened yet – we are in the middle, which is always the confusing bit. So I avoid the media, partly because I am too new to this to put myself forward as any kind of example and partly because it is a source of stress I don’t want in my life. I’m practically a pensioner and becoming more ornery and picky the older I get – I think I’m entitled.
Of course you are freakish – I’m freakish too – freakish is good, it makes discoveries and gets things done. I’m fascinated to see where you are going next. It may not be where I want to go, but hey, we are all different and we all have to find the path that suits us best. So I’m watching your journey and cheering you all the way. I agree with what you say about hunger. People go through life as if it is an abomination to be hungry for even a second. They eat even when they are not hungry just to feed their badly trained tastebuds. I haven’t measured how much of each day I spend feeling hungry, but that would be an interesting project.
Posted by: Linda at February 5, 2008 3:22 PM
Keep your chin up, April.
I had a miserable ride a few years ago with the Depo Provera shot and in the resulting fallout, I gained 60 lbs and 3 months, and then gained a huge amount of weight, that nothing (eating reasonably, exercise) was helping. Now that I've gotten my hormones under control, which is what was stopping me from being able to loose weight, I haven't found anything that's motivated me to take control of my eating because the whole you're-too-fat-and-need-to-be-thin-to-be-sexy thing just infuriated me (I may be almost 300 lbs right now, but I'm AWESOME and super hot right as I am).
Your blog has been the first thing I have seen that's focused on a diet to bring HEALTH, with loosing weight as a nice side effect. You've been a tremendous inspiration to me and I've already started eating a lot more veggies and focusing a lot more on my nutrition, and digging my old vitamins out of the back of the fridge where I stored them during a stressful move and taking them.
You're writing style is amusing, funny, and you show a human face to CR that I can relate to. I'm going to start my dear sweet lover on CR as well, so you're responsible for at least the two of us getting going.
No, you're not perfect, but no one is, and it's far easier to sit on the sidelines and criticize than it is to get up and DO.
Don't let the critics get you down. You're a human fumbling around trying to do what's best, and I find that a hell of a lot more inspiring than some perfect woman who looks like a supermodel telling me how I should eat (that usually pisses me off).
<3
Lotus
Posted by: Lotus at February 5, 2008 5:03 PM
Amen! I am in day 3 of a 4 day water-fast--I wasn't sure why I started it, but I knew I needed to clear my head. I had been thinking about food incessantly and overeating some on the weekends (though eating very well during the week), and was just *thinking* way too much. So I start fasting, and I had completely forgotten how peaceful and quiet the mind gets. I am more alert, calm, and don't need music/radio/TV all on to feel satisfied. I'm just happier.
I am seriously considering a once a week water or fresh juice fast to keep me connected with this sense of calm. I also find that two meals can be helpful.
Thank you, this was timely for me. I am excited that tomorrow is my last fasting day, but I still won't break it 'til the next morning (and with just fresh juice all day), so it is great to focus on the spiritual benefits. In addition to reading and practicing yoga (which is also a philosophy), of course :) I hope you get a chance to explore it.
Posted by: Sara at February 5, 2008 9:15 PM
Hunger is something I have real problems with, so I will be fascinated to continuing reading about your experiments with it. I'd say that I am hungry 95% of the time and that's fine, that's my choice, and most of the time it's bearable. It's the extreme hunger that has me climbing the walls and being a complete bitch from hell that I'd like to eliminate from my life - or rather, defeat. I'd like my body, with its temper, to realise that it's not starving in any sense. I haven't managed it yet.
And in the real sense of it, since I live in the Western world, am affluent and have access to food and good nutrition whenever I want it, I can't really call the physical sensation of hunger, "hunger" in the true sense. We really don't know what hunger means. To be able to play with the compulsion to eat is a privilege. We should treat it with respect.
Posted by: The other Sara at February 6, 2008 3:13 AM
Hi April,
As one of your long time readers, I just wanted to say that I'm still here, along for the reading ride! Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with us.
Posted by: gini at February 6, 2008 6:42 AM
I understand the appeal of dualism, but there is a danger in idealising complete physical control to justify exploitation of the body. In seeking to leave the body behind you risk valuing it only as an instrument, a resource. You're probably wondering what's wrong with thinking that, as the body serves your needs? But you probably understand on a far more subtle philosophical level than I do how the human experience is necessarily tied to the senses. Nothing wrong with fasting - transcend your body for a bit, it's a nice place to visit but impossible to live there - and maybe consider ways you can get out of your mind for a bit, too? (Predictably, I'd suggest team sport, because yoga and running are a little too much thinking, a little too little doing sometimes.)
Posted by: Brooke at February 7, 2008 7:40 AM
wow... you are fucked up!
Posted by: Lynne at February 7, 2008 6:29 PM
Hmmm, Brooke's comment is interesting. I am not interested in dualism either, but I find find fasting, running, and yoga to be practices that quiet my mind and get me more in touch with my body. There is not much thinking, but experiencing living in my body. That is the beauty of it! Team sports may do that, too, I don't know (competition is not my thing, but it's a great activity).
As far as hunger goes, yes, my body does want me to get fat and pregnant (that conversation of April's sounded awfully familiar), something that would be appropriate in another time and place, and this is in opposition to my mind. But eating in this toxic environment in suggested amounts also makes your body feel awful--so there are many different messages even from the body to listen to or not. It's very complex, but I don't think moderate CR is going against your body at all. Extreme may be, but it also gets you more in touch with other parts of your being and other senses. So, no answers, just another way of looking at it.
Posted by: Sara at February 7, 2008 9:49 PM
Hi Sara, I simply meant to point out the standard feminist critique of academic dualism.
Also re: exercise, it is one thing if yoga is used to still the mind, but very often in modern practice mental fitness is deemphasised in favour of physical fitness. Where such practice is beneficial to the mind it is of course suitable, but the results are not the same for everyone, or as it is said in internetese, YMMV. My suspicion is your frame of mind when approaching these things is probably rather different from April's.
Posted by: Brooke at February 11, 2008 4:06 AM