April's CR Diary

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February 10, 2008

Perfection Is the Enemy of Progress

Didn't Chris have an entry about this?

[FYI, blogger isn't letting me post comments, so to Chris: I'm so sorry for your loss. Virtual hugs! To Mary: thank you so much for your entry re: my entry. I'm so happy it spoke to you. You've long been a role model to me!]

And to Sara: I love your new headline under the title of your blog:

If it works the first time, you've probably missed something.

I am not a perfectionist. I seem to be attracted to perfectionists... have any of you met my boyfriend? But I am not one. MR and I have said that he believes in doing everything right, whereas I believe in doing everything. I get more done. I am very, very good at my work, in a field where being flexible, responding quickly to every changing facts on the ground, and the ability to adapt adapt adapt is the difference between winning and losing. You can't be a perfectionist and an organizer. You have to make snap decisions and follow through on them. You don't have time to revise much.

MR is frustrated by the fact that knowing what is "right' re: my CR practice, I don't just do it. He and I had both hoped, even assumed, that back when we got together three years ago (wow!) the holes in my CR perfection would be plugged and I'd be a mini version of him, perhaps with a few meals out (which he would never have) but overall an ultra-disciplined CR goddess.

I have fallen so far from that.

I put other things in my life ahead of CR, and I very easily gave into the temptation to hang out with the bad kids and do what they do: eat, drink, not smoke but secondhand smoke. I used them as excuses for my own lack of self-discipline. There is no law that says that I must eat off my friends' plates, or order another drink when they have another round. These days I've been quite a bit better. But I don't blame MR for occasionally despairing of me ever making it to escape velocity. At times I didn't seem to care.

I always cared though. About him, about the project, and more importantly, about my own health. I look in the mirror these days and feel like I am older than I need to be. 113 isn't exactly a crisis for most people, but it's not CR for me. Not even close.

I have not been perfect in this last week, most of which I spent in Scranton on the road with my co-workers. I have eaten bites off of other people's plates. I shared a flatbread pizza appetizer with co-workers. I had more wine than I'm supposed to.

But here's what I did well:

1. I worked out no matter what. Even though I had minutes between meetings, I made myself hit the treadmill every day for 30 minutes. I was tired, I was slow, but I got it done.

2. I've nearly perfected the art of fasting for much of the day. I'd decide not to eat and just not. Fasting for nearly 24 hours when you're sitting in a room with a gorgeous fruit and cheese plate and the man next to you is on his third serving is hard! But when I make a firm decision, I stick with it. It's all about being clear, specific. If I say, "I will not eat until we go for dinner after negotiations," I can do it. The trick for me has always been to be specific about *everything*, leave nothing to the compulsion at the last minute.

3. I didn't give into the "I'm on the road so whatever" mentality that got me to 115 post-twins.

Keeping up with my exercise has been a tremendous victory. I am extremely busy now, but I drag myself to the gym anyhow. I find that on days when I work out, good things happen. On days when I don't, bad things happen. Superstition? Perhaps. If it makes me drag myself to the gym, fine.

In a lot of ways I feel like I am starting CR all over again, but it's harder this time. The initial twenty pounds falling off that motivated me so well the first time weren't there this time. I'm already thin, and now I'm getting thinner, but that's not the issue: it really is about slowing the degenerative process of aging that I'm already feeling.

Yet I am tempted to focus on what I didn't do well. Why don't I just stop eating off other people's plates? I know it's the main downfall of my CR practice, yet I still do it. Why don't I exercise the same discipline at 9 pm that I can at 11 am? I can face down a cheese plate in a state of serious hunger at negotiations, but I feel compelled (hello, compulsion) to eat a mushroom ravioli off Danny California's plate. He even revealed in not so many words that he feels a bit of pressure to order unhealthy things so that I can sample them from his plate. That's not cool. I re-iterated that I don't want to pressure him to eat this or that or anything... whatever he wants to do is his business. I've taught him a few tricks (eggwhite omlette, flax oil) and he's been eating healthier (in addition to keeping quit on the smoking!) and he looks fabulous. Of course he looked fabulous before. But he certainly shouldn't order something unhealthy so that I can eat it.

Then yesterday was the day of parties. I'd been out late the night before, after a marathon in Scranton, with Fifi. Then I had to get up, drive to Baltimore for a good friend's baby shower, drive back, shower, change, and go to Susie's husband's 30th birthday party. I was in such a hurry that I didn't eat dinner.

Sure enough, I ate the food at the party. Heaven only knows how many calories. A lot. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and hungry. Ate a bunch. Felt awful. Drank a bunch too. Very not CR goddess. Very tired.

Slept in this morning then jumped right back on track. There's no point in wallowing in despair because I ate a crabcake at a party. Life is too short.

I am realizing more than ever though that if I am going to live as a CR girl in an ad lib world, I have to just give up on ever eating the way they do. It won't work to eat mini cheeseburgers at a party and then fast it off... there's no nutrition there, and it's crazy making to mainline saturated fat and carbs. I am becoming more and more convinced that MR is right: you just can't maintain hardcore CR unless you're willing to weigh and measure everything. That's a sacrifice. I'm glad that I know the calories in the sushi at my favorite sushi place, cause I can't give up my sushi. But other than that, and perhaps the once a month or two night out, I think the eating or random unmeasured food has got to go.

I don't even want to eat half the crap out there that I end up eating. For example: I'm at a day long meeting, I eat the catered lunch. It's awful. I would so prefer to eat my quotidian lunch salad. But yet I just give into the social pressure + compulsion and eat the crap served.

Well, perhaps no more. MR is packing my salad in this adoreable little container he got me for Christmas, and I am taking it to a day long meeting tomorrow. Hitting the gym at 5:30 am, Danny C and Lisa picking me up at 6:45 am, driving to a day long event in Bethlehem, drinking a whey shake on the way, followed by my very own salad for lunch. Why not? If my co-workers wonder how I can eat the crabcake on Saturday night and then insist on eating my own food on Monday at noon, I'll have to point out that it's really nobody's business to tell me what to eat. I can choose, at any given moment, to eat whatever I want. Or not.

I could be discouraged by all the ways in which I have not been perfect. The kitchen floor is mopped, but the living room is not yet vacuumed. The laundry is done, but a few of the bills remain to be paid. I attended both of the super-important social events this weekend, but I am exhausted. We have an extraordinarily busy week, and I have to not just hold it together but actively be energetic, engaging, lead my staff in interacting with unorganized nurses, set a good example. Get to the gym.

I am going to bed early tonight, content in the knowledge that I am feeling stronger every day. (yes, it's a Chicago reference.) MR is super supportive, packing my lunch and my breakfast and making his own dinner and putting up with me when I'm too tired to talk and not much fun at all.

When I fixate on perfection, I fail. I am tempted to use the smallest slip as an excuse to throw everything up in the air, eat everything in sight, drink more than I need to, and temporarily give up. If I look at it as progress, I can take the small slips in stride and get right back on track. That's what I need.

This is a long race, and it's not about being good. It's about making it. And for me, these days, it's largely about being the person I want to be: free, not paralyzed by others' expectations, tough enough to withstand the fear that the people I love may leave, but tough enough that they don't really want to leave.

Perfection is impossible, at least for me. But progress is right here, right now. And progress may eventually lead to perfection, but only through a series of entertaining twists and turns that I can only vaguely imagine right now.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Posted by april at February 10, 2008 7:25 PM

Comments

Posted by: Lotus at February 10, 2008 6:47 PM

Posted by: zeynep at February 10, 2008 7:29 PM

Posted by: Little MR at February 11, 2008 10:26 AM

Posted by: hilary grace at February 11, 2008 10:44 PM

Posted by: Judith at February 12, 2008 11:05 AM

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