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May 20, 2008
Commitment
"I'm not gonna write you a love song."
-- Sara Bareilles, "Love Song"
"As long as Niagra falls
As long as Gibraltar stands
Till hell freezes over..."
-- Chicago, "Niagra Falls"
So we are headed into a strike.
Well, it seems most likely that we are headed into a strike. Our second largest local, our best contract in the state, and the administration is a bit tired of employing the best paid nurses in the state. Some of the hardest working nurses in the state, to be sure, but because they have fought long and hard for thirty years to maintain and build on their excellent standards, they have some of the best wages and benefits in the state.
Administration has some concessions on the table. We, the collective we, which is the nurses and the staff they've hired to support them through thick and thin, will not take concessions. We've learned that there is a way to set the standard for nurses, to make nursing a profession that smart, dedicated people come to and stay in, to the benefit of the patient. The patient who, I remind you, could be you or me or our loved one. In the hospital bed, dependent on the nurse for live-saving care.
I am tired. I am existentially weary. The twins, the twins' contract campaigns, Scranton just now concluded, so much blood left on the field. Now I have to rally again to do it again and do it well. I made a ton of calls over the weekend... Susie was happy, it's been her primary project for a few months now... but I felt so tired, so much like I couldn't do it.
Years of chronic stress are starting to show. A few days ago I felt like I looked old and ugly and like a has-been. I was a pretty girl. I was a great organizer. Some days I feel like I'm some sort of shell of that. All the negative energy being absorbed, and all the disappointed expectations of people close to me. I have a few wrinkles that I didn't use to have. I'm just way too tired.
Then about two days ago I thought I was pretty again.
It was weird. I'm fairly sure it's the direct result of a) one decent night's sleep b) eating a lot of brewers yeast and flax oil. Shiny coat, etc.
Back in 2005 when I took a little break from my organizing work, I was frustrated because I was waiting for the nurses to be ready to organize. I thought, silly me, that because I was ready, they would be ready. What I've learned in the meantime is that it's not about me. I can't control the objective conditions on the ground, and I can't control anyone else. I can do the work the right way, every day, and know that we'll be ready when the time comes. Because the time will come. We're not going anywhere.
So everything I needed to know about love I learned from organizing. How to do the work. How to expect it to be difficult. How to take the blame. How to keep going no matter how much it hurts.
And by God it hurts. Today Edward was asking me about it, in another context, and I said, "Picking up the phone, night after night, for thirteen years, talking to workers, it's hard." I dare anyone to try it. The workers download their frustrations and fears and anger and disappointment onto you, and where do you download it? Onto your co-workers? Onto your boss? Maybe so. I've done all of the above.
The pain of those who work for a living and are so disrespected by their employer and the capitalist system is so real, so raw, that those of us who put ourselves in the line of fire absorb so much that it's hard to keep going from day to day. It's no wonder we lash out at each other from time to time. I call it "worker avoidance behavior." Susie can spot it a mile away. "Dude, that's worker avoidance behavior," she'll say.
Yet we keep going. I find strength in my co-workers, and in MR. In knowing that we've won in the past and we will again. In the victories along the way: the older of the twins, and the moment when Annie said, "It was like in one minute it went from them having us under their thumb to us having the power. And nothing is going to be the same again." When I called Anna at work to tell her we had won, and I talked to her best friend, Dana, and Dana put the word back into the PACU (that's nurse talk for recovery room) and I heard Anna screaming in the background, "We won!!! We won!!!" And eleven years of her life of fighting to win the union were finally ended in a victory. On Friday night she had her arm around me at the contract victory party, and I thought I could just stay here forever, here in the place where we won.
But I can't. I have to go on fighting. And so I am back home in Philly, where poor MR has to deal with my meltdowns, on the verge of a strike, exhausted to the core but committed. Too stretched, too stressed, but too dedicated to quit.
Cause you see, like CR, I've tried it the other way. I've tried to do something else, or to do this thing with less intensity, and I've found that nothing makes me feel more alive than being in the firm embrace of the work I love, that I've dedicated my life to. I never feel more real than when I am up against a deadline, be it a strike or an election, and I never feel more whole than when I am moving in perfect synergy with Edward and Susie and my co-workers making the magic happen that we have come to call empowerment.
Yeah, it's hard. It requires a lot of self-discipline. And it constantly reminds me of all the ways i which I have failed. More calls I could have made... better decisions I could have made... it's like CR that way, I'm constantly comparing myself to someone who is better. And I am constantly coming up short. My staff is very good at pointing out ways in which I could be better, believe me. Even the fact that I need to write about it is considered a weakness. I should be able to just deal with everything myself, without mobilizing my community of virtual friends for support.
I don't have an answer today. I guess I'm making progress on healthy stress reduction. I know I'm losing weight, increasing lean body mass, etc. But I am real, a real girl, not a recording on the phone, not the ideal CR girl you might imagine who lives in a cage and never confronts the real world. I am as Billy Joel would say undeniably real, and I sometimes have the extra body fat to prove it.
This life is hard, but it's worth living. For as long as I can. That's why I don't give up.
Posted by april at May 20, 2008 6:03 PM
Comments
Shouldn't that be "upload"? Anyway, so how many pounds have you dropped since deciding to go more extreme with your CR? Noticed any psychological differences?
Posted by: Brian K at May 21, 2008 8:45 PM
Psychological differences: much better. Near eradication of anxiety. Energy levels? Hard to tell, due to current state of work-induced exhaustion.
Weight lost: 5 pounds, maybe a little more. Will probably lose 5 to 7 more before it's over.
Upload: I think you're right. It depends on whether or not you think I'm a computer.
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Posted by: april at May 22, 2008 7:44 AM
April
I just want you to know how much I RESPECT you gal! You have a heart of gold! Your job is no easy street but you are in the "trenches" because you care and I admire you for that. Practicing CR and the addition of added stress is no "cake walk" and you are handling it great (in my opinion). And as you mention in your blog - your healthy stress coping mechanisms are getting stronger -- that's what life is all about! We are all "works in progress" and I must say - you are one lovely work that is developing just beautifully. Hang in there!
Posted by: Irit at May 22, 2008 10:22 AM