« Yoga Chickie On Huffington Post! | Main | When You Want a South Beach Diet Wrap But... »
June 24, 2008
You Don't Look Like You're On A Calorie-Restricted Diet
It was the moment we've all been waiting for. We knew it would come, eventually.
The moment when someone remarked that I don't look skinny enough to be on CR.
For the record, this used to happen even when I carefully measured all my calories and weighed 102 pounds. I just don't look anorexic, and that's what people expect of a CR girl.
The particular person quoted above actually meant that in the nicest of all possible ways. "You're not scrawny at all," she went on to say, "You look like you're in great shape and like you workout all the time." And she was quite sincere, I think. I do in fact look a lot more like a Pilates junkie than like a CR practitioner.
I made a brief explanation of how this last year I had really let my CR go (unfortunately) while under a lot of job stress and on the road constantly, and I had simultaneously picked up Pilates and yoga, which had built quite a bit of muscle. After a moment of Pilates evangelism, we all continued about our conferencing, which in this case involved drinking free Starbucks iced coffee while waiting for a rousing rendition of "Fanfare for the Common Man" to call us back into the auditorium. The irony of being called back to the auditorium by "Fanfare for the Common Man" at a conference so posh that it could have been called "Fanfare for the Wealthy Canadian" did not escape the lone union organizer in the crowd. But Marxism aside, I did have a wonderful time, and at no point do I advocate the overthrow of the Aveda corporation, which offered free massages and put Rosemary Mint hand soap and lotion in the bathrooms. Washrooms, I mean. Sorry, Canada.
I had long before accepted that, not being the Skinny Mini that people associate with CR, that I would get this sort of comment, and I've always been careful to point out that I am not nearly as hardcore as MR, and that these days I'm not nearly as hardcore as even I want to be. Though I have been getting better!!! But there's still something rather jarring about it.
Then that night I had a somewhat more confusing encounter. Another participant (note my care to leave their identities quite obscure) who had met MR was introduced to me by a mutual friend at the evening party. "You're supposed to be on a calorie-restricted diet," she said. "Put down that wine!"
Uh, no, thought I. I made a brief explanation of the epidemiological evidence in favor of the health benefits of red wine, and urged my co-partiers to drink up.
This person said something about how I didn't look like I was practicing Calorie Restriction. I made my standard explanation. I didn't start out skinny, I've been doing yoga and Pilates, I had a bad year, calorie-wise. I do take a moment to experience existential vertigo that at 112 pounds in the year 2008 I am publicly (look I spelled it right!) apologizing for my weight, but decide to deal with that at a later date, in a blog entry, rather than ruin a perfectly good cocktail party.
This particular participant went on to explain to me that MR had told her that exercise was bad (he hadn't) and that if she started to "go all funny about food" her husband wouldn't care for it.
"I have no interest in converting anyone to CR," I said, sensing the upperclass equivalent of a cat fight brewing. "I really don't care what other people eat, as long as they are relatively pleasant to me."
Hmmm.
"My husband and I have a rule that he must weigh 20 pounds more than I do," said she.
"I know what you mean... I didn't want to meet MR in person until I weighed less than he did," I said, trying to re-establish the conversation on common ground, and failing.
"You weigh less than he does?" she asked, looking me up and down rather carefully.
"Well, he weighs 115."
"He told me he weighed 118."
"Right, he's been around 118 lately."
"You weigh less than 118?" she asked, again taking stock. "How much do you weigh?"
Again, existential vertigo sets in, but I can't think of a good way out of this situation that doesn't involve pouring a drink on self or others.
"112 last I checked, the day we left for the conference."
I said something about how frustrating it has been to open national magazines and find that I'm being called anorexic when I'm obviously not, and she agrees, after another good look at me, "You certainly don't look anorexic," she said in a derisive tone that I really can't replicate in writing.
There, we've established common ground. I don't look anorexic.
She went to go greet someone important. I went to wander the party, and ran into a friend at the oyster bar.
"The problem with being the girlfriend of the world's pre-eminent CR practitioner is that people expect me to be Kate Moss skinny. You'd be amazed at how often I hear, "You're not as thin as we thought you'd be."
He took a step back, looked me up and down, and said, "You look fine."
A girl can always count on her married male friends. That's why I have so many of them. Married male friends can give one a little boost of self-confidence, then happily retire with their partner of record and get out of one's way. I have an astounding number of married male friends. I absolutely rely on them.
I had made it quite clear, going into this conference, that I was there as the girlfriend, on vacation, not representing CR, the USA, the USSR, or anything. Just being me, having a good time. But it's inevitable that people ask questions. And it's inevitable that people look from MR to me and wonder why he's so skinny and I'm not.
There are two reasons, and they are obvious:
a) he is naturally skinny, and looked like he did CR long before he did CR.
b) he keeps his calories proportionally lower than I do.
So
a) I will probably never look as skinny as he does, and he thinks this is a good thing
b) I certainly don't now, and didn't even when I was very underweight judging from the height/weight charts.
It's just really weird... I spend my entire adult life somewhere in the 120s and 130s, and nobody ever thought I was fat then. I lose down to 102 (and eventually 99) and nobody thinks I'm all that thin. Then I get involved with CR and do media (which I am not doing now, as all are aware) and find out that a) the national press thinks I have am anorexic b) most people think I'm not skinny enough.
As I said once long ago in a different context (apologies for the in-joke) "You can't have it both ways! You have to choose!"
Obviously I am not anorexic. I'm just a normal girl with a difficult, stressful job, trying to eat as well as I can and do the best I can to make it to anti-aging escape velocity without going nuts. I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, and I want to focus on what's important to me, not on living up to some external standard of what I Should Look Like or How I Should Be. Yoga is helping with that. You do enough balancing warrior and you feel ready to go to war. You do enough cobra and you feel like a snake. Or whatever. Anyhow, I don't really understand how it works but it's working. I feel more at home with myself these days. And my yoga studio is really cheap! I have unlimited classes for 3 months, and I am getting my money's worth. 7 classes in 8 days. No wonder I feel like a different person.
Anyhow, I apologize to all who are disappointed that I'm not the anorexic waif they were hoping for. I never will be, because CR doesn't make you look like a heroin addict, even at its hardest core. I doubt that I will ever acquire that sick bony look that the anorexics I've known have. Not with yoga and Pilates and excellent nutrition. I'm losing weight... ever so slowly... but I will never fit the stereotype that the naysayers want to pin on us.
Posted by april at June 24, 2008 1:28 AM
Comments
Well, for the record: I think you looked absolutely gorgeous!!! :-)
I think it's important to point out that there is no particular CR 'look'. There are many different ways of doing CR and many different types of people who are doing it, so it's inevitable that a wide range of body types will be represented. I believe this is a *good* thing.
And we don't look like anorexics because, *ahem*, we're NOT!
If there's any generalization to be made, perhaps it's this: CR people just look *healhty*. People rarely comment on my weight, but I often hear remarks about my 'glow of health'. Optimal nutrition will do that for you!
Glad to hear that the yoga is going well! Keep at it - it gets better and better!
Posted by: Kai at June 24, 2008 8:36 AM
Lordy, how on earth did you manage to keep your cool? I wouldn't have been nearly as nice I'm afraid :-)
Posted by: Lindsay at June 24, 2008 8:53 AM
The older I get, the more I realize how many people out there have low emotional intelligence. My 3-year-old is more considerate and tactful than some of the folks you've had to deal with.
Posted by: Robin at June 24, 2008 10:33 AM
My jaw was on the floor at that woman's incredible rudeness, invasiveness and lack of boundaries.
April--you want to know why, in my opinion, you're "not all that thin" at 102?
Because in this culture, which prizes thinness for all the wrong reasons, I bet people are jealous of you.
I would bet money that that mean, mean woman was *dying* of jealousy inside, so she went out of her way to try to make you feel 'not all that thin.'
And this 'rule' that her husband has to weigh at least 20 pounds more than she does? God, I hope that was just part of her 'make April feel bad by suggesting that I'm more pounds lighter than my partner than she is' plan. Because if she was serious--let's just say that that doesn't sound like any relationship I'd ever want to be a part of.
This entire thing was extremely Not Okay, I am totally angry on your behalf, and I just want to support you and reiterate my belief that this woman was just jealous and trying to make you feel bad.
I hope that her own better nature will guide her to a better use of her time. Soon.
Posted by: yvonne at June 24, 2008 3:04 PM
Yvonne, while those people's comments are lacking in good taste, in actual fact, April honestly does not appear "all that thin" at 102 lbs. She has curves in all the "girly" places and I suspect wouldn't appear really skinny even at 95 lbs. She is a tiny person, under 5'2" tall and has correspondingly tiny feet & hands. MR, OTOH, being tall and a true ectomorph, looked skinny even at 145. And Lindsay -- April keeps her cool 'cause the girl has class (and isn't old enough yet to be a cranky old broad, like me!) MoMR ;-)
Posted by: Judith at June 24, 2008 4:31 PM
April,
I wonder how much of the problem you're experiencing has to do with the fact that almost no one can tell what anyone actually weighs but almost everyone has pre-existing notions of what certain weights must look like. For example, when people hear "200 pounds," they expect to see some absolutely huge person, when really, depending on that person's height/muscle mass, that person may not appear to weigh that much. So when you say you weigh 112 pounds, people have an idea in their heads of how much they think that should look like, and if you don't match it, it's easier for them to assume that you're lying rather than changing their mindset of what 112 pounds can look like.
We're so used to seeing very, very thin women and girls everywhere we look, that we think that looks "normal," when it obviously is in no way "average." I feel like I'm not making my point very well...
Regardless, to be honest, I don't think that anyone should be questioned about their weight in the way that you were.
Posted by: Lady Vengeance at June 24, 2008 7:59 PM
Amen, Yvonne. You said it.
Posted by: Sama at June 24, 2008 9:57 PM
Speaking as someone who stands just under 5 feet and weighs about 110, and has, believe me, plenty of curves and rounded parts, I have no trouble whatsoever believing that April does not appear particularly thin or skinny. While I do agree that the woman in question sounds rather rude and annoying, I don't really see the need to ascribe jealous motives to her, as Yvonne might. Even if this woman is rude, couldn't it at the same time be factually true that she herself did not perceive April as looking particularly thin? Can't we be supportive of April and her great CR practice, without at the same time ascribing negative motives to people we've never even met, who might just possibly be telling the truth (albeit in a tactless way)? To me, April's post was not really about this one rude woman; it was more about the phenomenon that different people will look different on CR, and that CR is not really about whether you look skinny or not skinny; it's about decreasing your calories to a level that is reduced FOR YOU, for YOUR BODY. What your body does with that reduced level of calories depends upon your own metabolism, gender, where you accumulate fat, etc. On that reduced level of calories, some people will appear thin and some will not, even though they might all be practicing CR. And some people, like the woman in April's anecdote, don't realize that. End of story! So, maybe April truly does not appear thin -- that doesn't make this woman any less rude; it just means that she was saying something that is factually true, in a rude and (one would hope) socially unacceptable way. Was she jealous? Who knows, and I don't really care much, even though I support April.
Posted by: Rachel S. at June 25, 2008 11:06 AM
Way to go April for handling the situation with such grace! I had the honor of seeing you at the last CR convention and also believe you look STUNNING - and are so inside and out. I am SICK and TIRED of living in a society that judges everything on our outer shell ! I know plenty of thin and "normal weight" people who are in great health and the opposite - those who are thin or "look" healthy on the outside but aren't healthy internally. (Heck a nice tan LOOKS healthy but we all know it is unhealthy for the skin and many other potential health issues such as getting skin cancer!). Lately some of the unkind remarks that Paul and Meredith have gotten on the CR posts about how Paul looks sickens me -- CR is not about LOOKS - it's about HEALTH and biomarkers of evidence for those! And I do look like one of those "CR boney ones" and I even think I look disgusting to be quite honest - and even though I am in good health (although we won't talk about my bone health - that is not so grand) --- I certainly don't see health when I look in the mirror. so you are a role model to us all gal!
Posted by: Irit Gat at June 25, 2008 11:23 AM
Rachel S.--I understand what you mean, but certain aspects of what April wrote really suggest that this was more than just 'factual observation' that was 'tactless.'
The way April describes it, she was just standing there drinking her wine, and this woman marched up and (a) told her to stop drinking it, then (b) that she didn't look like she did CR anyway. Both remarks were, according to April, totally unprovoked in any way. Notice that they were both judging, parental remarks--"Put down that wine!" "You don't look like..."
Then the business about how this woman "look[ed April] up and down rather carefully," expressed disbelief that she weighed less than A MAN (I don't care how skinny that man is), and then demanded to know how much, in fact, April did weigh.
All of that read to me as openly hostile behavior designed to make April feel small. At the very least, it seems like the behavior of someone who has no sense whatsoever of the boundaries of other people. It does not in any way suggest someone who was honestly seeking, or even honestly criticizing/disagreeing.
Not in a face-to-face interaction, anyhow. In inherently clumsy, indirect forums like blog comments, a lot of nuance gets lost, and it's often worth giving people the benefit of the doubt. But face-to-face, if you've got someone "looking you up and down rather carefully," "again taking stock," and "demanding" to know personal things about you...no.
So I definitely interpret the whole thing as a bad-faith interaction.
Posted by: yvonne at June 26, 2008 7:22 AM
Yvonne,
Maybe the woman was jealous. Maybe she was just clueless. Some people really *don't* have any sense of appropriate behavior or personal boundaries. We'll never know. And really, I doubt she's worth thinking about all that much.
What I do think is interesting is the way April responded to this rude, inconsiderate person. A part of me thinks it's great she was so cool, calm and collected about it. Another part of me wishes she had told the biddy to mind her own business.
April, you don't owe anyone - especially that obnoxious woman - any sort of explanation or apology or...well, anything. It's perfectly ok to say,"I can eat and drink whatever I choose, and I'd rather not discuss my weight, thank you." You have a right to establish boundaries and push back if necessary. I know you already know this. I just think it bears repeating.
Posted by: Robin at June 26, 2008 7:01 PM
From Mom of April--I love all the comments and get lots of strength from reading the blog and your comments. At 63, I'm working hard to take care of my health and put off knee surgery by taking off weight and uping my exercise. I'm happy to remember when April was little, and I was doing Weight Watchers. I'm proud to say that she grew up knowling that health was the key and not weight. And to think that she got MR too. What a pair!! Love, love, Marti
Posted by: Marti at June 27, 2008 4:22 PM
I have been hearing a lot about this "women checking others out and annoying the hell out of them with their comments" situation lately. It seems to happen a lot between heterosexual women, all that jealously. I don't understand it. Are men really so much worth fighting for? All my heterosexual female friends are anxious to look their best whenever they go out, just in case they might run into a potential mate. They all don their war paints, re:make-up. ı totally don't get it...That woman at the conference had the same problem I think. I think women should stop competing and start uniting. Because that what they're so feistly competing for is really not worth the trouble. But I guess you have to be lesbian to feel that way...so then, heterosexual women of this world, unite for god's sake! You are not eachother's enemy!
Posted by: zeynep at July 2, 2008 5:47 PM