April's CR Diary

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July 4, 2008

Yeah, But She Had *Cancer*

I am waiting for it to happen. Every time we do any sort of media (which I haven't done in a little while) my blog and the popular press are filled with comments about how selfish we CR folks are. How very selfish -- you eat less than other people! That's really horrible. My God, if you were to eat more, you could bring about peace in the Middle East! But no, you selfish people starve yourselves.

Here's one of my favorites:

Curious asks:

So, what do you plan to do with this supposedly extended lifespan of yours, other than enjoy sexual pleasure? Are you working to make the world better, or is this an exercise in selfish self-control that only the wealthy (and those with time on their hands) can afford? What do you do in your daily life that will make this purported "extra time", if you actually achieve it, worth it? Why, when justifying this choice, do you and your compatriots talk about "having fun" instead of using the time to work at effecting positive changes in the world? Is a 125-year life of pleasure better than a 75-year life of duty and selflessness? Why are no CR people using their time to work in Third World countries, fighting against poverty and disease? I'm genuinely curious of your thoughts on this.

I wrote something back, something pretty good in fact, about being a union organizer and spending most of my days and nights fighting to help working people get some fairness and a decent standard of living.

I'm waiting for a new round of selfish accusations because I've started to talk about taking yoga classes, during this once every five years time when work is slow and I actually getting to take some of my accumulated 52 days of vacation time.

I am just waiting for the comments that go, "Gee, you selfish thin people, eating less than others and indulging in yoga, that pass time of the rich. You should do something good for the world!"

Excuse me? I've spent thirteen years sweating blood in the trenches where real change is made. I think I've earned an 8:30 am Vinyasa.

Lately I've been thinking that the entire argument that you have to be avidly engaged in doing something "good for the world" in order to justify taking care of yourself is just bullshit. The idea deserves some de-construction: why do we feel, collectively, as a society, that doing something good for your health or your spiritual life (which are obviously inextricably intertwined over the medium term, but others have covered that topic more than adequately) is selfish, perhaps even elitist, while engaging in a lifestyle that we all know leads to disease and early death is normal?

Does anybody remember that horrible commenter on Amy's blog who, when Amy reported that she did yoga from like 4:45 am to 5:30 am, commented that she should stop being so selfish and doing yoga when she could spend that time cuddling her two children? I can't find the link, and I don't want to glorify it anyhow, but it was just an awful attack on one of the most hard working, loving parents out there. To accuse someone of being selfish because she took 45 minutes (or maybe it was a half an hour) for her physical and mental health is just absurd. Are women supposed to be machines that care for others twenty-four hours a day with no need for rest or self-care? The answer is obviously yes, and most of us chicks have played into that mentality. I know I have. For years, I made it clear to all in my life that I exist for my work, and that I was willing to sacrifice nearly everything else (health, sanity, time off, relationships outside of work) to make sure that the workers win... and indulging in less than healthy ways of unwinding when the stress was too much. When MR came along, he provided an important counterweight (oh, the pain of that pun!), pushing me to take care of myself. But it wasn't until I started taking yoga that I really started to think, "Maybe I don't need to apologize for spending this hour working on *me*." Not just hanging out with friends at the bar (which is also restorative, in moderation) but taking time, early in the day, to actively improve not just my body but my spiritual life. Not just the often way too brief period of time I spend in meditation (if I don't I am really not a pleasant person) but a whole yoga class.

Then yoga happened. I'd resisted taking yoga all these years, though my mom and many fellow CR bloggers raved about it, because I just wasn't yet in a place where I wanted to deal with the facing yourself that you do when you twist yourself into these funny positions that if done right actually do resemble the animal they're named after (or when done my way, resemble a dying bug.)

The big surprise I had was that instead of having some sort of horrific Luke Skywalker in the dark swampy place in Empire where he kills Darth Vader and it's his own face in the dark mask (oh no! What if someone out there has never seen Star Wars? Did I just ruin it for you? I'd better put a warning at the top of this post!), I discovered that I'm not nearly as horrible as that constant negative self-talk soundtrack that I think all women are born with, or learn by the time we're five, told me I was. And I'd had a rough year.

Doing yoga hasn't just improved my relationship with myself. It's improved my relationships with the people close to me. I'm less quick to get angry and blow up. It's easier for me to see others' points of view. For the record, I'm still mad about everything I was mad about before. But I am becoming much better at controlling my reactions, at assuming that there's some reasonable explanation for others' behavior (other than, "He's a jerk!") and at simply waiting before reacting.

I expect I will be better at my work. Lately I've managed to avoid it entirely by taking some of my vacation time, but I feel confident that I'll be ready to jump back in as a calmer, happier, saner person. All of this is more valuable to me than the development of the "yoga butt." But I'm not complaining about the physical benefits either!

I recognize that I've only just begun, and that you experienced yoginis are out there thinking, "Awwww, aren't they cute when they're little???" It's probably a lot like how I feel when I meet a real CR practitioner in her first year. I remember all those feelings, all the excitement, how changing your life can be as exhilarating as falling in love, without all the excessive phone bills.
You senior yoginis have figured out a lot of things that puzzle me. You probably know what to do with your hair that both avoids having your balance thrown off by a ponytail when you're on the floor, but also avoids hair flying in your face in tabletop or a high plank. You've figured out why it is that only yoga teachers look good in yoga pants. I am excited by being at the start of a journey, and knowing that there really is no end to how far one can go. With CR, there comes a point where you've figured out how to do it, and it's just the discipline to keep doing it that's in question. With yoga, I get the sense that there's ever more to learn, as there is an ever-increasing level of discipline required to use what you've learned.

I am so lucky that I can afford a summer membership at my yoga studio, and that I have both paid vacation and some flexibility in my hours such that I can take classes. And that I don't have kids that I have to watch 24 hours a day. And that I can walk to my studio instead of paying high gas prices to drive there. And that I am healthy enough that the stuff is hard but not impossible. And that I am sufficiently comfortable in my body (thanks to CR and Pilates) that I don't feel horrified at the thought of putting on yoga pants (other than the horror at how the black ones are covered in white cat fur.)

Wow, I am so fortunate. How dare I exercise such privilege when there are single mothers out there who don't even have time to cook?

I mean, it's not like I had cancer or something. Nothing really bad happened to me.
Now our Yoga Chickie, she has what sounds like an idyllic life now: have you seen the pictures of where she practices? She's a stay at home mom of two sons who sound pretty good, she gave up her lawyer job in NYC and now lives by a duck pond. Somehow, the bills are being paid. She blogs about yoga, even has a column on the Huffington Post. I really like it.

When I first read that she is a breast cancer survivor (which I read on her website a few weeks ago, so it wasn't new information when I read the article linked above, From Cancer To Yoga: 10 Year Nap My ASS!.) And I'll admit that when I first found that out, I thought something along the lines of, "Well, she's entitled to have an intensive yoga practice because she had cancer."

People are always remarking on how a life-threatening illness can really re-order your priorities, making you focus on what is really important, and leave the rest aside. Lauren writes about this in her most recent article. Her inspiration in this case was the book, The Ten Year Nap, (and I'm quoting Lauren here, "a novel about a bunch of housewives who all had super-promising careers before they gave it up for the daydream of pushing around a baby carriage, lunching with toddlers and iced-coffee clatching with the other moms on the park-bench in the playground. Ten years later, they're 40. And they realize that maybe they could have, should have had it all. Hence, the 'Ten-Year Nap.'"

Lauren describes her journey from corporate lawyer to stay at home mom and yoga teacher. It's not a nap. It's a more meaningful, more mindful life. Go read her article, she describes it (obviously) better than I would.

Lauren went from law office to yoga mat when she had cancer. What's my excuse?

I have a better question. What was my excuse for *not* doing something to calm the mind and quiet or annihilate the inner demons and prevent me from freaking out on my partner or my best friend? I'm spending a lot of time now taking yoga and taking care of myself... and what damage did I do before? Not just to my health (thank heaven CR is protective against most bad things that get us, health-wise) but to my sanity, my relationships, and no doubt to my health as well.

No, I'm not quitting my job, or anything like it. My work is extremely satisfying, and I believe it leaves the world a better place. If anything, I'd like to see my yoga practice improve my work. We have some challenges coming up that would stress out even the most enlightened of yoginis. Well, maybe not *the* most... she'd totally rise above... but you get the idea.

But I'm committed to not letting my job kill me, or drive me crazy, or drive away the people who are important in my life (ironically enough, most of whom are involved in my work.) A few weeks ago, at the beginning of this slow/vacation time, MR commented that it really is the chronic stress that makes me so crazy and at times unhappy. (Nice call, genius boy!) The trick is to maintain the yoga awareness I have now (and to deepen it with more practice) when I'm in decidedly western conflict in the heat of the upcoming campaigns. And to silence the voices in my head (or on my cell phone) that say I should be working at every possible moment, when I know, I know, that I need to do yoga, or rest, or spend some time with MR or my cats or whomever. And not work myself to the point where all I can stand to do is drink wine and stare at the thing we call in our house "the internet machine."

What have I done to deserve this? What do I do that's so important that I've earned the right to take care of myself?

We shouldn't have to wait until we have a life-threatening illness to find some kind of balance in life. Whether that means raising children, keeping a home for your family, and practicing/teaching yoga or raising hell as an organizer while maintaining a CR practice, AND a yoga practice, we all deserve health, happiness, and peace. Yoga Chickie's life might not suit us all, (yikes! Where did these children come from? Help! There's a frog staring at me!) but her example of someone who has made active, mindful choices to live the life that is most meaningful to her is an example I'd like to follow.

You go, girl! That's no nap!

Besides, I do have a life-threatening illness. We all do. It's a degenerative disease. It's called aging, and while it may be "natural," it's no more benign than ebola. It's just slower, and socially acceptable (nothing ruins a good party faster than a case of ebola!) and something most people are resigned to.

The recent rash of revelations throughout the scientific community that we may be closer to reversing some elements of the aging process than we thought we were inspires me to do whatever I have to do to make sure I am young and healthy enough to make it. It's not as immediate as a cancer diagnosis, to be sure. But to me, it's a wake up call.

I am grateful to Lauren, Kai, Arturo, all my teachers, and all those who set an example with their practice and their presence. I am one of those people who learns very well by following someone else's example. No wonder I start meowing all the time after spending a few days at home with the cats.

To live more mindfully, more peacefully, in the here and now, and to use CR and every other means available to make it to a time when we actually can reverse the aging process, all while organizing workers and making innovative coleslaws: it's an ambitious goal, but it beats resignation to chronic stress and the eventually debilitating effects of aging.

It's also possible that eventually I will look good in yoga pants.

Posted by april at July 4, 2008 12:30 PM

Comments

Posted by: yvonne at July 4, 2008 9:27 AM

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