April's CR Diary

« It's Amazing How Much You Can Do With Eggplant | Main | Onward »

November 10, 2009

Conference Angst

"Perfection eludes us, but this should not lead us to reduce our efforts."
-- B.K.S. Iyengar

Everybody knows that the conference is almost a week away, and sure enough, I am not nearly as thin as I wanted to be.

In spite of aggressively monitoring my calories *most* of the time, I've still gone out and eaten too much. And I continue to practice yoga so hard that I am putting on muscle at an alarming rate, but still, it makes me hungry and then I am tempted by one too many serving of cottage cheese and chick peas and there you have it: more April then there was last time any of these folks saw me.

I think I'm in the best shape of my life, and there's no way I'd trade the body I have now for the sorta gelationous, un-muscled 99 pound thing I used to carry around, but the fact is, I'd rather be somewhere in between. And I wanted to be further along in the journey by the time of the conference. If I had focused more on a lower calorie level and restricted my going out more, I'd probably be there. But as it stands, people are once again going to say, "You don't look skinny at all!"

To be fair, they never thought I was all that skinny... my body type is the kind that just won't look that thin, even in optimal CR'd state. But we know now that at that point, I was in optimal CR'd state. We didn't know it then... we thought I had farther to go... but judging from the effects on immune function, body temp, blood pressure, and mental state, I was in proper CR range back then. There is no way to be absolutely sure, but we are pretty sure.

Would I like to be back there? Sure. Am I back there yet? No.

Working towards it, but still taking too many bites off friends' plates, extra scoops of cottage cheese and chick peas, the occasional cheeseburger, that last glass of wine I really didn't need. The growing yoga muscles are hungry and my friends love food and wine. It's hard.

Out at lunch with two of my three best friends, my one best friend managed to synthesize my fears about the CR Conference, thinking he was being funny or ironic.

"So what if they're angry at you for giving up the cause? What if they say, 'What are you doing here, you fat pig?'" he was being ironic, making fun of anyone who could judge me as fat at my current, super in shape weight, or really care about such things.

Anyone who has a problem with my weight, we said, flexing our considerable arm muscles (I do yoga, he lifts) can take it up over *there* (and we point far, far away, while flexing our biceps... this is probably only funny if you're there, and maybe not even then.)

Writing a CR blog has given me plenty of opportunities to be criticized for my weight, whether too low or too high. I remember one who said that at 115, I was either 5 or 10 pounds above "ideal." I'd seriously like to meet this person in ten minute headstand, but anyhow... if I have advice to you, dear reader, it is, Never, ever, become a person known in the media for anything having to do with weight. Weight, sex, money: the hot buttons of our culture. I don't want to recount the horrors of the media, I don't want to remember it at all.

I've found a studio founded by a senior Iyengar teacher in Atlanta, two miles from the conference hotel. The owner of the studio is a friend of my dear friend and CR sister Lisa Walford, and I am looking forward to taking class.

So much of yoga is about acceptance: I am not reaching for my toes, I am using a stretching strap, but I am doing the pose. I try to apply the same to my CR: I am not CR-perfect super model skinny, and I know that I live with the icon of CR robotic perfection. I am in many ways a disappointment. But not to myself. I have learned to use this mortal body as a vehicle to states I can't even describe if you haven't been there. I trust that in time it will all come together: the yoga, the CR. And then I won't even care what people think of the way I look.

I apologize to anyone who is upset that I weigh more than 105 or 99. I could engage in a long dialogue about how most of that is muscle, but why bother? If you're looking for an icon of super model thinness, you were always in the wrong place.

When I look at the bravery of the woman at my gym, who has severe physical disabilities but comes to work out, with her walker, I am humbled with gratitude for what my body can do. When I met Sara last night, yoga teacher and Jonathan's girlfriend, a beautiful young girl (my heavens how they look so young to me now!!!) who was in a car accident in August and is now back in class, just freed from her crutches and walking around, and modifying every pose but right there, practicing with us... well, I can't complain about my few extra pounds. I can stand and fight my epic battle with trikonasana, I can experience those flashes of quiet of the mind that keep me coming back for more when Jonathan holds me up and twists me so far I feel like I'm going to fall over, but I don't.

Perhaps at this meeting, I will just be along as MR's girlfriend... the serious yogini with the great muscles and yoga... well... ya know. He could have done worse.

I wish I were different, better. But perhaps by admitting that, by writing a few words that are true, I will let all of you off the hook. None of us are the icons of perfection that we want to be, are we? Perfection eludes us... our journey lies in deciding what perfect is worth pursuing, and what is the projections of others.

Yoga has been amazing this week... so many breakthroughs. On Monday night I took two classes back to back, then came back (five hours of sleep later) for Jonathan's 7 a on Tuesday. Jonathan told me that a friend of his, hearing the story of the girl who took a tripleshot in fourteen hours, said, "That woman's just crazy." It's true... whatever I do, I do it all the way. I find the yoga so healing and so powerful that I want as much of it as I can get.

I am looking forward to the conference. MR assures me that I am slim and beautiful and that no one will be disappointed by my extra muscle and strategically placed extra fat. In fact, any boys who remain testosterone normal will probably appreciate it.

I wonder, often, what my journey would be like if I hadn't gotten mixed up in the media. So much of the emotional stress that led to a de-railing of my CR was spurred by all the horrible media. But it's absurd to wonder what if: if things were different, then everything would be different. I may never have found yoga, had I not been so stressed out and miserable.

So on we go. I'm going to Jonathan's class at 10 am tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to a play with a good friend, then the weekend is all about spending time with my angel and my kitty. I have a lot to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.

To quote Brian Delaney, CR Society president: onward.

Posted by april at November 10, 2009 1:21 PM

Comments

Posted by: Deborah at November 15, 2009 5:12 AM

Posted by: Andrea at January 2, 2010 9:31 PM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:
Remember Me? YesNo

Comments:

Preview

Post